Very isolated teen - your wisdom please.

[neomneomneom]

At a loss as to how to help my son as he literally doesn't have one person he can call a friend. He is very isolated and his mental health is starting to be affected as a result of feeling invisible and unlikeable.

To give you an example, In the summer 6 week holiday he saw no other children. He sent a couple of texts out to children in his year but these weren't even answered. Two of the children that he had been hanging out with for a while told him to 'do one' as he wasn't cool and made everyone feel awkward. He was broken as he thought that his peers accepted him for who he was.

In spite of playing in several sports clubs and trying to make friends this term, he hasn't managed to make any meaningful friendships. I have set up cinema trips and days out for small groups in the hope things may gel but nothing is ever reciprocated.

Son has mild ASD and does struggle in reading social cues at times. As a result he tends to be a bit shy and quiet in groups. However when you get to know him, he is funny, kind hearted and willing to try and make an effort. Surely there must be some kids who would be prepared to give him a try.

I've looked for local clubs for teens but there aren't any that are non-church related. Forces Cadets have been a no go as he won't go anywhere where the organisation doesn't welcome people with ASD - understandably. He likes gaming but isn't interested in computers so that isn't a very good route.

I feel I am failing him as a mum. How do I help him develop his social skills and develop a network? Thank you for your thoughts.

do you have a woodcraft folk group near you? (you can check on the link attached). My ds went to a few sessions at our local one (unfortunately he couldn't commit to going weekly because of other commitments) and enjoyed it. There were quite a few other children there, i think 2 with ASD. Its all about being outdoors and havign fun together, and they run camps away from home which would allow him to bond with others.

Sorry should have stated in title - son is 14. That might have been helpful !

Will look at woodcraft folk and see what he thinks. Thanks

Your poor son. How old is he? Do his peers know about the ASD?

I wonder if the school could help by identifying some kids who might be willing to befriend him? My dd and her friends have made a point of including a girl with ASD in their friendship group, even though they find her a bit irritating at times, because they understand that she finds it harder to read social situations than they do. Rightly or wrongly, I suspect that they would be less tolerant if they didn't know about the ASD and just thought that the girl in question was rude or abrupt or thoughtless or whatever.

Is there a sympathetic form teacher or head of year who could be enlisted to help somehow?

Oops x post. My dd is 14 too.

Find your local Warhammer shop, and they will have gaming sessions there. It is perfect for boys with ASD as it is precise and rule driven, and your socialising is based on the game really. Our local shop has introductory sessions every Saturday in January.

Although it’s hard try to keep him involved with real life pursuits. My son disappeared into the internet & is now caught up with some very complicated issues. He’s now an adult so there’s nothing we can do but I wish I’d had the fights I should have done over computer use when he was younger.

Are ds' sports club school or non-school? If they're at school might there be anything out of school (though your post indicates possibly not)? Developing out of school friendships can be a lifeline (as you've probably been told, hence trying to find a club).

Have you thought of speaking to school - head of pastoral care - if it is a big school he may just not have bumped into his soul-mates yet, and school might be able to help, suggesting some activities that might introduce him to them? Often 'helping out' rather than an activity can be good - behind the scenes drama for instance? Or could they recommend a way of helping him develop social skills - maybe a school counsellor he could see?

It can be so difficult for those who don't click with anyone, but it may be that your ds just needs to meet some gamer friends at school - school might be able to help with this.

I think someone on mn has recommended some youtube links about social skills - I'll try to see if I can find them.

I'm sorry, I can imagine how hard it is for you to watch him feel this way. What about a group specifically FOR people with ASD? Perhaps then he wouldn't feel so different/isolated? I have no idea if there is anything like that near to you, but it might be worth investigating?

Right, found it - a mner recommended the Everyday Speech social skills for teenagers videos on youtube (and I think there may be an app as well?)

It might be worth having a look - maybe watch one or two with ds and see if they ring a bell with him - or maybe he'd prefer to watch on his own? Does your ds agree that he has a problem with reading social cues? it can take a while for dteens to accept this sometimes, so they won't watch videos about it because they know they don't need it! But worth a go.

If it's got to the stage of affecting ds' mental health, might he consider changing schools? Again not a magic bullet, but sometimes a way of moving out of a very miserable environment?

Thank you- and I really mean that - for your ideas.

DS is actually happy in school in the structured time as he takes his academic progress quite seriously ! (This is one huge bonus with a rule driven child like mine - I never have to moan about homework!!)

It's the out of school / break times when he really feels alone.

Lizziestwin** - absolutely take your point about the computer. This is what I fear and so I'm trying so hard to limit this whilst acknowledging this is his only social outlet.

Alexa - good on your DD. Your post gives me hope.

I have been to see the pastoral lead this week and she was actually really good. She is going to very sensitively suggest him getting involved with some non-sport related clubs. She has offered him mentoring too which he has welcomed.

Hairquestion - I think he might watch the videos if I sell it to him the right way. Thank you so much for the steer.

Scattermama - no groups in our area for teens. However I've got to the point where I'm even considering trying to start something up.

Lots for me to work on.

Good luck OP. He's very lucky to have you on his side.