Failing miserably at discipline

[User1053051066]

My lovely 14 year old ds does not go to bed at a decent time despite being told to. If he is up too late on his phone etc and grumpy the next day he is told to leave his phone downstairs at 10pm the following night. He still doesn't really go to bed at a decent time but it's a consequence for over usage of phone!

Last night he decided on a shower at 11.45, I went to bed. He's not too grumpy but didn't do any chores tonight (I was out until 7.20) so I told him bring phone down at 10, and to get to bed at a better time. I've been upstairs anyway so asked for his phone, he started a debate about it won't make a difference anyway, and no he won't give me it. I haven't the energy to get in to a standing row and I also don't think that's the best thing to do, we just both get cross and I get upset. So, I think, OK, I'll let him suffer the consequence of not being told what to do. But I don't know what that should be.

Help me please.

Please?

Turn the Wi-Fi off at 8pm

I have done but he'll use data, plus I need wifi as I work from home in the evenings

Phones upstairs was the hill I fell at, at about that age too. Out the other side now- they’re in their 20s and I know (via last active on messenger ) they are still on their phones far too much. However they’re at Russell Group universities/ tip top graduate jobs, sociable and fit so they seem to cope. One thing to keep an eye on is what they’re doing. One would be up supporting sad friends at all hours, another set up a Grindr account aged 15, another spent time on a pro Ana site. However they told me about them, we talked about boundaries and self care and how everyone isn’t who they seem on line... Keep the lines of communication open.

If you pay for his phone which is very likely he doesn't get to choose when he hands his phone over.
Put your foot down and try not to get upset. Take his phone away for longer if he refuses to give it to you.
Maybe he can get it back when he has done his chores.

No phones upstairs.

I don’t take mine upstairs so I practice what I preach. If the teen is upstairs the phone is on the charging bank. If the teen wishes to be on their phone they are downstairs and part of the family unit where I can see if they are tired and send them to bed.

I really appreciate your honest help, in a lovely manner. I was worried I wouldn't get responses like this. I am on the verge of tears, trying to keep it together, I guess I'm also having a tough month and so I know I cannot deal with this alone. Dh is in Europe working, plus he has a different view- he thinks I should waltz in to his room demanding his phone. If it wouldn't end in tears I probably would do that but I haven't the energy.

Anyway, thanks. Etinox I think I know also that I shouldn't have allowed them upstairs but not until I was too late. We have great communication, tbh, he's a great kid and causes me no worries, except the amount of sleep, and the effects of this on his siblings when he is tired as he really has little time for them. So, I understand where you come from. However I fear that by not enforcing him give me it tonight, I am letting him have the upper hand? This worries me.

Anybody?

Who pays the bill?

Your the parent so of course you can go in and demand the phone! You need to start making consequences for his actions. No one needs to take a shower at 11.45 at night. Take his computer away too if he gets worse. He knows he can walk all over you and your letting it!

My DSS used to be like this so your not alone , he used to have the upper hand until we joined forces and took control

So the rules changed to-
He came home from school. Had a shower. Did his homework and chores whilst tea cooking, got his stuff ready for school the next day then he could go out or have the Xbox until 9 ( if he went out he was at a friends over the road usually unless it was summer)
At 9 o'clock I had the phone. iPad. Controller , laptop and tv on timer with him having out something on and his remote all on my living room side. I took everything but the feel lol
A single min past 9 he lost the lot the next day.
Sounds cruel but he got to this stage. He would stay up all night. Doin awful in school. Bad attitude we wanted to kill him some days, even came to me sitting in his classes some days to stop him having this bad attitude
This happened until he was 16 but it worked and he finished school with GCSEs, now has his own house and a little girl an he does thank us for it now (didn't at the time lol)
But your their to be a parent and guide them not be their best mate (as much as you don't want to punish them)

I'd ask for the phone etc. If he says no just take it and take out his SIM card until further notice. Then he still has the phone but at a certain time you turn the WiFi off. You'll have get yourself a little dongle or plug your computer into the internet box itself but hey. Cruel to be kind!! X

Cancel his phone contract or remove his sim while he’s not looking. You need to put your foot down now before he starts his GCSEs. Buy him a book so he has something to read in bed.
Set an alarm clock early outside his door and wake him up at 7am. He’ll hate you for a few weeks but he’ll get over it.