Advice for separated parents from different countries

[Batinati559]

Hi, needing a bit of advice or people to share their personal experience.

I live in England and have 2 children with someone from New Zealand. Long story short we were together here in the uk and split up when I was pregnant with my second child due to him putting me through some horrible times. Anyway since we split he has come to my house to visit them and has never offered to take them to his house or shower much other interest with out my printing, I basically let him do as he pleases for an easy life, he used to complain when I’d ask him to watch them so now I just don’t ask. Anyway he out of blue has decided in the new year he want to take the children ( both nursery age) across to New Zealand for atleast 5 weeks.

I honestly don’t know what to say, I know my children wouldn’t want to go, I understand it’s there family but he can’t expect to drag them across the world and dump them with people that are strangers to them and I know he’ll be leaving them to go see old friends and things. I don’t know how to go about this, am I being unreasonable in my thinking? They’ve never even been with him overnight

Sorry for the lengthy story, hope someone has advice

Well the answer is most obvious to me.
No is indeed a complete sentence op...

You are their primary carer, so definitely not in the children's best interests to tear them away from their mother for 5 weeks and take then halfway across the world. What are the official custody arrangements with your ex?

Thanks for your replies

There are no formal custody arrangements, all I wanted was the children to have some sort of good relationship with him so I just let him visit whenever he feels like it, it’s usually for about an hour an evening or 2 during the week and a few hours at the weekend. My life revolves around not upsetting him as he can be very spiteful and manipulative so I’ve tried to avoid any confrontation with him. There has also never been a financial arrangement so he has never contributed in that way but I have also not pushed this.

I want to keep discussions civil and diplomatic but not sure how to go about it. I’m wondering if I should be going down the route of legal/formal custody but I worry that would go against me and I know it’s not in their best interest to be 50/50 custody, when he visits he spends most of his time playing on his phone and giving them little attention. I worry I only see it from my perspective and I just want what’s best for them.

I may be doom mongering here but I’d be very concerned he would be taking them away with no intention of bringing them back. I have no idea what you can do if a parent takes their child out the country and doesn’t return them?

If you think this is not the case, tell him he needs to start by having them overnight at his house, building up gradually to weekends and then a week away in the UK. No way can he go from never having them overnight to taking them away for 5 weeks. Beyond ridiculous. How old are they?

How do you know he's going to bring them back?

Yabu to revolve your life around your ex...

I’m confident he would bring them back, thankfully I know his family would not allow that to happen and I briefly lived out there too and I know where everyone lives so on the very unlikely event such a thing would happen I could fly out but I really can’t see that being an issue.

They are 3 and 4 years old, the youngest tells me every morning how much she missed me when she’s been sleeping and the oldest obviously doesn’t fully understand but has told me she doesn’t want to go to his house or spend extra time with him. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand that I know their little personalities much better than him and can make the judgement on their behalf. He just says well that’s their family so they’ll just have to get used to it, it’s like talking to a brick wall! He thinks I’m being difficult when all I really care about is not emotionally traumatising my children. When they are older at least they make their own informed decision.

Any chance you could go too, as they're so young?