Pushy grandparents am I been unreasonable

[Hyds]

So another question about pushy grandparents and rant.
So since I have had DS the in-laws mainly FIL have become a little too involved. But am I been unreasonable and silly of how I feel.
When I first had DS my DH dad went out and bought presents with my DS face on for people from my DS including For my DH. I was not happy as I believe this took away something I would have liked to have done plus he did not ask if it was ok.
My DH told them that this was not acceptable.
I BF and was struggling at first however when the in-laws came round I had to ask for my DS back to feed numerous times as FIL would not give him back when crying.
Also when They visited I let them have DS in their own so they could have their own time with him. But when I returned and he was hungry FIL started making a bottle and didn’t understand when I said I was back so I could BF. DS was a few months at this point.
They did try telling us what to do at first but they did stop after a while.
They have also told us that they are going to take him on holiday when DH told them we are taking him and we would invite them along they replied if we are lucky they will invite us. And they were been serious.
DH dad also says stuff to get a rise out of me. Which I now ignore and change the subject. I feel rude doing this but I do not have the energy.
FIL also try’s and embarrass my DH which I ignore.
FIL thought it was acceptable to brag he had seen my DS walk before I did
FIL is now putting my DS name on Xmas presents from him without asking.
I do not allow my DS to have sweets or junk food. He is a really good eater and I do not want to damage that as he is only 18 months old. But I am worried that FIL will give him things as I am always having to say no he does not have sugary things. FIL also try’s and tells DS what to do when I am there trying to teach him how to behave. For example at meal times I believe I am quite relaxed as I let DS take his time if he wants to play a little with his food as in he tries to feed me puts it in one section to another he can but we do tell him food does not go in the floor but he eats his food so I am happy. But FIL starts telling him what to do when I am sat right next to him. It’s like he thinks he is the parent.
There are many other occasions where he has overstepped the boundaries and it’s really starting to get to me as I am the one who has to deal with then when they visit most of the time as my DH works away.
My DH says he has had a word with them but I know he does not listen to them when they say what they are going to do.
We also asked them not to go overboard with presents as he has enough toys and clothes however every time they visit they buy him things. We were also moving so we did not need the extra stuff. We asked them to wait for Xmas as it was only a few weeks away and we were moving closer to them. But they did not listen which just added more stress to the move as we had extra stuff. We only used our cars to move as we wanted to keep the cost down.
MIL is not so bad she understands how we want to raise DS.
Also is it strange that my MIL bought me perfume she wears even though she knows what I like.

FIL sounds awful and is massively overstepping. He wont change and clearly thinks he's the king of the castle. Start reducing how much you see them. They wont listen or respect you so stop them visiting when your DH is away. This is his responsibility not yours. I also find it a bit creepy that FIL is trying to assume such a parental and make parenting decisions. Dont let them have unsupervised time or holidays as it will just play into it and they wont respect your wishes.its hard but start saying no. PIL wanted to visit several times a week when I had DD but only to talk at me about themselves and take photos to put all over Facebook (they would bring a camera and tripod!) So I just stopped . We haven't seen them for nearly 3 weeks now and its bliss. Funny that now I dont run around after them they are actually much less bothered about seeing DD.

Time to remember that baby is YOURS and you can establish boundaries too. It is not only DH’s job. Tell FIL to back off. Because you are not his kid, you might actually get some respect.

Time to start leaving bigger gaps between visits- at yours or at theirs. Get ‘booked up’ with activities, and be a bit unpredictable ‘oh yes, we usually have music group, but we went to the library instead’.

Just don’t be home. And next time they bring unwanted stuff, put it by the front door immediately for the next charity shop run. Believe me, they’ll stop. Or say ‘oooo lovely, as we’ve said, we’ve got too many baby grows already but my friend Susie will love this for her baby!

Set clear boundaries, then police them. Be calm and clear. If they step over, leave or cut things short (again, with no drama). Slow down the visits until they get the picture.

When they say things about holidays away with your kid- just laugh like a drain, as if they’ve made the funniest joke ever. If they insist they’re serious, flap your hand and say ‘oh people don’t do things like that any more’ and ‘no one does that these days’ like a broken record. Change the subject until they get that picture too.

Blackcat86 we had to have a sit down conversation about putting pictures on social media and that they were not allowed so far they haven’t. It’s sad that they are not bothering now you haven’t chased after them. I do not know what is worse been too involved or not at all. I am really close to my family but they know their boundaries and respect them even if they don’t fully understand.
Justlou1. Me and my DH have an agreement that we deal with our own families. But I have told him that I am going to have to have a conversation with him.
I have had conversations about other issues with the in-laws. I think I haven’t tackled this as I can see that they love their grandchild and I do not want to Cause problems between them and my DH. (I have also suffered from overthinking minor things and thought that I was been irrational about how I felt)
I think I knew before we had DS that they were overbearing. I do not think they realised that their children had grown into men. Am not sure if this is a common thing but his mum was still buying underwear for them even though they were in their 20’s.
I think I just needed to hear that I am not been dramatic about how I feel.

Skittlesbear. I have already considered not been available for visits. I don’t want to be that person but I am getting to that point.. Especially now that I have moved back. (We moved away due to work for a few months) we had to put boundaries before that they could not just turn up unannounced as we had plans. They turned up after saying they were not coming with another family member and this was not long after birth. I will take the advice of saying people do not do that nowadays about the holiday

I think that while it does seem they are overstepping, it is lots of minor things.

Is this your first child by the way ? I ask, not just because it does sound (just a little) like PFB to me, but also because everyone will be finding their way with what is / isn’t acceptable (you and them). Is this their first grandchild ? They may just be very overexcited. I’ve seen people get strangely territorial over baby’s on threads on here when people are just overexcited, not meaning any harm ( probably) and will calm down. Many older folk also don’t get times and advice has/have changed so to the. It might look like you are going against what they were told was right when they had kids and are trying to help. I think their motives determine how I’d handle this. Why do you think they behave like this ?

You need to speak up for yourself and your child here. Remember you are the parent. For example:
(A) Please give the baby to me to feed now - he is hungry and getting upset.
(B) No, at this time you cannot take the baby on holiday as he is too young to be away from me for extended periods of time. We can discuss again when he’s older if you like, but the answer if no for now.
(C) Do not feed the baby that - it is unhealthy, bad for teeth development and we are limiting his intake. (Although I do think this is a question of degree as an occasional bit of stuff Is ok if you are top of teeth hygiene - daily / several times a day is too much).

Some things I couldn’t get too excited about. The present thing I don’t really get but if you really wanted how about:
(C) I know you were trying to do a nice thing but we were excited about getting the first gifts with our DS face on for people. Please try to think and check with us before you do things like this.

In terms of the walking, I know it’s upsetting not to be present for one of your baby’s firsts but sometimes it happens. We’re they just very excited that they “got” one ? He could have been with your parents or DH and you could have been out of the room when it happened. It is tactless / not nice for them to go on about it but some parents would want to know a milestone happened so they could find out if something triggered it (funny actions for a laugh for example) that they could do to keep trying to get it to happen again. They could have just been really excited about being there for it and not engaging their brain. Again, you could just say:
(D) we were upset to have missed that so while I get you are excited, please can we talk about something else now.

It sounds great your DH is sticking up for you but these are not really earth shattering problems to me and nothing that you shouldn’t / couldn’t deal with yourself at the time it happens with a few firm statements. Your DH can them back you up later if needed. I don’t see this needs to be turned into a major fall out though.

By not asserting yourself it could be they don’t realise your upset. Or do you really think that are they are truly nasty people doing their best to upset you ?

I’d also try to reduce contact a bit (depending on how often you see them - every day perhaps too much, once a month is t too bad to manage them iyswim). Just have lots of groups to go to (or tell them you do and ask they call before dropping in) so you don’t miss them). Keep a coat near the door if needed and just tell them you were headed out if needed. Try:
(E) I’m sorry you’ve come all this way but we’re just headed out to X that can’t be missed. Such a shame - next time be sure to call first so we don’t miss you.

Or
(F) Sorry now is not a good time. We’re just tied up - next time be sure to call first so we have plenty of time to visit.

I guess I’m saying my overall advice is to speak up for yourself / your child when necessary. Good luck.

Stephminx. He know it’s a lot of minor things and that’s why I thought I was been a bit dramatic. However it’s other parts of our lives that they have tried to interfere with I know if I lived close enough they would be round everyday

Regarding the first steps. It’s not that he took them before I had seen them. As he was he Nursery full time and I know deep down he would have probably done them there. However I stressed to them that the nursery would not tell us if he took any they would wait until we said something and play along that we had seen them first. My parents also said they would never tell us if they saw a milestone first.
He told my DH first and my DH told him not to tell me as it would upset me however he told me anyway. That’s what upset me. He is always trying to one up people including his own children.

Stephminx. I have spoken to them about many things however they do not take things on board

We bought a house and as it’s our first house we owned we wanted to make it our own however they start buying us things for the house even though we had told them not to and told them we had everything we needed. And not my Taste. I know it’s nice however I feel like they are wasting their money and I feel obliged to use it.
For our wedding that we paid for ourselves. They went and bought things I stated that I did not want. Or that I had already bought. It was not fancy wedding however it was us.
It puts me on edge as I am always worried what they are going to do or say.

I know you say it isn’t

This does sound like a whole host of trivial things OP. He tried to make a bottle when baby was hungry. Why is that a problem? Presumably you had all the bottle making stuff there?
You do know that the vast majority of babies will walk at some point? It's not like it's a huge achievement?
Do you expect your FIL to say and do nothing with his grandson? If you're so anxious why did you move nearer to him? It does sound like the bit about the holiday is a wind up, he probably just has a different sense of humour than you.
Try to be less anxious and don't think it's a threat, just keep on smiling and let him be.

Soontobesixty I believe your comment was to get a rise out of me or you are not a parent.

To tired for a long reply but FIL sounds totally out of order.

Wow! They sound VERY much like they are pushing themselves into your lives in far too many (intimate) areas. FGS, there is something very unattractive about a man whose mummy is still buying his undies! Blah!!! I think DH needs to tell his parents to stop infantilising him, let him be an adult and stop marking their fucking territory at his house and with his family. If not, it’s time you tell him that it is what you expect of HIM, because it is what he is allowing them to do.

FIL is overstepping the mark a lot, even if none of these things are major on their own. It all adds up.

Reduce contact. Why are you moving closer to them? I'd be heading in the other direction.

FIL sounds like a nightmare, however this is a bit precious and controlling:

However I stressed to them that the nursery would not tell us if he took any they would wait until we said something and play along that we had seen them first. My parents also said they would never tell us if they saw a milestone first.

I think you need to unclench a bit.

With the bottle/feeding/crying stuff; yes, FIL was being a dick. Presumably this is a past issue now? If it happens in the future, just take your baby back, you don't ask, you tell. And with overstepping in-laws, don't leave them alone with your children!

Don't really understand the presents with a face on stuff?

I think 50% of these issues could be solved with you setting and maintaining boundaries. And, ironically, 50% could be solved by being less controlling and boundary-setting: making people keep your child's abilities a secret from you is bonkers.

I'm glad they've respected you on the pictures front. Unfortunately PIL feel that the title of granddaughter is more the most important part of DDs identity. I'm fairly relaxed about social media but had an argument with FIL when they tried to take bath pics (nothing dodgy from their point of view but I explained that was a boundary for me because you never know where those photos end up). Equally DH posted a lovely photo DD with DSS - MIL simply comment 'my grandchildren'. Sounds petty but I thought yeah that says it all really. Not lovely photo or dont they look happy or whatever, simply a label centralising her. I think you'll find you'll get some initial kick back from boundary setting and then theyll rapidly lose interest because it's more about power and asserting himself than DS.

Yer they are minor things but it is constant. We move around for work so bought where I am from as I knew they would be too involved if we bought in his home town. when I returned to work after maternity we moved away but kept the house. I have now left work to become a SAHM for a while therefore moved back to our house. Its still a good 40 mins away so it’s not like they are on our doorstep.
His mum has backed off but his dad just doesn’t listen. I feel like a nagging wife as I am constantly saying no and you need to have a word.
When I was at work we would only get an hour two at tops with DS and his dad would be trying to FaceTime every evening. I put a stop to this. And To be fair to DH he did start refusing to allow this.
I don’t want to ruin a relationship with them and DS as I had an amazing relationship with my grandparents. I think I am quite relaxed with them as they take him on day trips such as to see animals or play centres or shopping.
They are visiting on Friday and I told DH to have a sit down conversation with them if he does not or they do not listen I have warned him I will be as it is now having an effect on us as I am just getting frustrated at my DH. I have told him I can be a difficult DIL especially as he is not around but I don’t want to. He is not happy either but because he has not really seen them face to face I am giving him this chance.

Equally DH posted a lovely photo DD with DSS - MIL simply comment 'my grandchildren'. Sounds petty but I thought yeah that says it all really.

It says nothing at all, apart from that she loves them and is proud of them.

OP you need to practice saying "my child, my decision" and reminding him of your rules. Practice assertiveness.

@burritofan makes some good points.

And Who cares if you sound nagging ? Set your sensible boundaries and maintain them. Otherwise, your DH can handle visits.

I completely understand why you don’t want pics on especially ones in the bath. You don’t know who is viewing them and what they are used for. i have Just come from a job role that deals with things like this. That’s why i am so against it. I get what your saying about the comment. Making it about them.

You’re not being dramatic - infact I think you’ve been very calm in your approach so far! FIL is being unreasonable. Nice to want to be involved but he can’t act like the dad. You sound to have a lot more patience than me anyway. Hope they back off, enjoy their grandchild without being overbearing and allow you to raise your child how you see fit