2 children but wanting a third ... Advice please

[queenqueenqueen]

I'm pretty sure there are lots of posts similar to this already but just wondered if anyone could offer me a little bit of advice or maybe some of their personal experiences...

I have two children a boy and a girl who are 5 and (just) 4

I've always wanted a big family and had hoped to have had another child by now but for some reason it was just not happening for us. I had a miscarriage about 18 months ago and I've had quite a few tests since then and it's only recently been discovered that I have an underactive thyroid which is probably what has been causing all the problems 😔

But I'm sort of at the point now where I'm wondering if having any more children it's even a good idea the age gap is going to be huge and I just think that our life is really quite simple at the moment and having any more children despite wanting them will just complicate things. I think basically what I'm wondering is do you think it's best just to try and shake this feeling of wanting more and be happy with what I've got?

Feel like it's all I can think about at the moment. Sorry if it comes across selfish I already have two children and know people struggle to conceive just one x

In my case once I had entertained the thought of having a third I couldn’t let it go, were about to celebrate my third DCs first Christmas and I am absolutely certain I made the right choice and I feel they are all here now. Go for it OP!

I have 3, but all within 2 and half years. (twins for the second pregnancy)

I struggle to be honest. We are as the saying goes out numbered! Its harder to give one on one time, you cant just take a child each.

We had to get a bigger car, to accommodate the child seats most dont fit 3 in a row.

Most holidays are very expensive as they are based on a family of 4. For example a family friend who is a travel agent called excited about a Disney Land Paris Deal. 5 days in resort, all tickets, hotel &flights £800...Bargain! Except when she added one more child on it shot up to £1500! Mist places you need 2 rooms...the ones for 5 are like hens teeth!

Babysitting for 3 is also seen as more of a chore etc etc

On the upside, we get smothered with love, the house is lively and full of energy.

I had fertility treatment, ivf and multiple miscarriages so it was a hard journey and the children are very wanted, but I feel we would have had a better quality of life with just 2.

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful, truely I am not, but from a very practical point of view 3 is a challenge x

I'd like a third in theory. But in practice...

Who would babysit three children for me so I can go out in the evening ever?

How would we be able to do things as a family like swimming? How do we keep three children safe and how do we all get dried and dressed after?

How would we get three children to three places in the morning and again at the evening? (Nursery / school etc)

It's already hard when one kid wakes the other one up in the night. This must be harder with three, and how do you get them to sleep again?

I could go on. My heart says yes. But my brain says no!

I love my third to bits. He’s made our family complete in a way it wasn’t before and I cannot now imagine our family without him in it.

But if I had known 3.5 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

I have a son and a step son of the same age, both 17 now but we have all lived together as a family since they were 2 and we all consider ourselves one family and both sons are ours.

Then when the boys were 4 our 3rd son arrived, unplanned for but very much welcomed. The difficulties in having 3 were immediately apparent, especially with a 4 yr age gap. Some were very trivial things like the kind of car we could have that would accommodate a baby car seat and 2 booster seats across the back, but also things like not being able to have all your kids in your room on holidays and having to have adjoining rooms instead at much more expense.

The main thing is the age gap though. Things like not being able to go to the cinema as a family as the older boys were that much more mature and into different things than younger son. My husband would often go to the cinema, theme parks, fishing, go karting etc with the older boys leaving me with the youngest to do age appropriate activities with him alone. I know that loads of families of 2 kids have 4 years gap but it's kind of worse when 2 kids are of similar age and then one much younger as somehow they are not as tolerant if there's 2 of them, they kind of gang up!

If I were to do my life again -but this is not saying in any way that I would change my actual circumstances now- I would have only had one child as it is so so so much easier the less children you have and certainly wouldn't have chosen to have 3 from the outset. I think your love and attention definitely gets diluted the more you have and especially if you have one child that demands more of your attention for whatever reason like one of my older boys does- I would say he gets 70% of my attention and the other 2 share the remaining 30%, not through choice I hasten to add.

Obviously your decision to have a 3rd child or not is very personal and no one can say yes or no to you, but these are my thoughts. I would say don't.

Thanks everyone! It started off pretty positive but then reality hit towards the end!! Ahh I'm so not sure what to do, I can imagine it gets very hard to give each child 1-1 time the more you have - it's pretty hard already as it is! 😕

We try really hard to give all of ours 1-2-1.

Mine are 8, 5 and 3 now. It’s definitely getting easier!

Sorry, pressed post without elaborating! Meant to say we are more creative at individual time; so sitting the 8 year old in the front seat of the car so it’s easier to chat, stuff like that.

Funnily enough, things like the cinema is stuff that I’m excited to do as a family. At the minute, either me or DH stop at home with the little one and it’s rare we go (the last time we went was last Christmas)

The age gap is hardly huge the age difference between my DP and sis in law are nearly 16 years and they have a great relationship (along with the other siblings, 9 and 4 years difference). Go for it, OP

I love my third to bits. He’s made our family complete in a way it wasn’t before and I cannot now imagine our family without him in it.

But if I had known 3.5 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

I feel exactly as above. Decent gap here too.

The main issue is the splitting time between them. There just isnt enough and I spend a lot of time feeling bad or rushing about. Also when big ones do clubs and you dont have help you have to drag small one everywhere... so depends on your help levels OP.

Genuinely would have stopped at 2 having lived a few years of 3. As per poster above it is lovely to have 3 but I do believe the lives of the other 2 have been impacted more negatively than positively.

I'd stick at two, personally. But I can't say what I'd do if I were you because I'm not you. If suggest drawing up a list of pros and cons with your partner and seeing what you come up with.

Ahh thanks @mamadane after having the MC it's felt like every single month the age gap is getting bigger and bigger... It's silly the things you fixate on 😟

I considered it seriously, despite potential health issues, but decided against.

Now they're older I'm glad we stopped at two. We have time with both of them seperately and together. They both want to do Masters and PhDs and we can afford to help them. There's just not enough hours in the day or money in the bank to do that with three. With their partners there's a whole lot of people and extension and life and vibrancy and interest. It's pretty damn good.

I do believe the lives of the other 2 have been impacted more negatively than positively.

😟 ohh that's sad. But something to seriously consider

@queenqueenqueen understandable. I have twin boys (nearly 4 months) and we are planning on a 3rd in the future but not for at least another 3 years (our range is 3-8, any later and we'll be too old). Because three kids in nappies, who cannot wipe their own bums, who cannot communicate as well as older children, who don't understand what it means it be a big brother etc etc it's just not appealing to us. No I think you may be surprised of the benefits of having older siblings. A lot of the posters here disagree, but I know plenty who thought the 3rd completed their family and how it was a joy that their kids were so independent (compared to toddlers)

3 is bloody hard. Yet somehow I wish w could have 4. We won't as the last pregnancy was really rough.

I love that we are our own gang. We are our little pack of together. But there is near constant fights. But there is laughter and silliness. My children delight in each others achievements.

Would things have been easier with 2 ? Totally. But in the midst of the madness I'm really glad we had 3.

I love having 3
my middle would have really missed out if he hadn’t got to be a big brother,
they are lovely to each other
our third has enriched all of our lives; added more love to our family 🥰

Ahh thanks @gibbons & @icjump , you sound really happy x

What age gap do you have?

3 yrs then 4 yrs 🙂

I would be terrified to have more children under the new government, what is they had additional needs or you lost your job? The UK in 2019 is just not the place for large families anymore. My sister has just decided against a 3rd for this reason.

Sorry Op

GCSEs x 3
A levels x 3
UCAS x 3
Supporting through university x 3

It's a no from me.

I think these threads are always the same. Loads of people glad they stopped at two. Many happy with three but “if I’d have known what I know now I’d have stopped at two”. If you want three then go for it. More likely to regret not having a third than having one.

Actually, as a final point can I just say that, for all of that, I love my 3rd so very very much and I would not be without him for all the cinema trips / smaller cars / easier holidays / lower childcare bills in the world...