Friends first time parents, how do I help?

[Krumb]

Hi,
My best friends will be having their first baby quite soon and I was hoping that you guys would have some advice on what I can do to help her when the baby is here. I am not a parent of the human kind, only the fluffy type! So I have no idea on what my friend will need. She is someone who is very prepared in terms of baby items such as clothes, nappies, wipes etc. I had an idea to do some sort of voucher system where he and her bf can come over for tea, we can take the baby for the evening, bring over frozen meals so she doesn't have to fret about cooking. Is there anything else you could advise and is there such a thing as not having enough nappies or wipes?
Thanks

Yes to the food - a lovely stick it the oven meal goes down a storm

If she’s breastfeeding anything calorie laden

And baby socks... for some reason baby socks seem overpriced and you never have enough of them...

When you visit offer to make the tea and wash the dishes or something, help put a little order back in the house - mine was a bomb site.

A friend of ours bought our baby a little music box with a mirror and spinning figures that go around on magnets. The music from it always calmed our baby down. It was like magic.

Teething toys as you never know when you’ll need them!

Go over and offer to do stuff, wash up, fold laundry, etc. Cook meals that they can freeze and reheat. Bring them a basic shop, bread, milk, eggs and plenty of snacks. Offer babysitting services but dont be offended if they dont take you up on it right away. Simple little toys for the baby, nothing loud or flashy. My ds's favourite gifts from when he was a newborn were a jellycat bunny, and a little cuddly monkey rattle. Always check cuddly toys are suitable for newborns too, Mark's and spencer have some lovely baby cuddlies. If you're buying clothes dont bother with newborn size, get 0-3 or 3-6 months but try and be aware of what the season will be when the baby is big enough to wear them, no point buying shorts and tshirts for a baby who will grow into them in November for example. Also bring news from the outside world. I've been in a bit of a baby bubble for the last few weeks, I love it when people bring me gossip hahaha!

Yes to the food / cooking idea.

Yes to the baby-sitting idea but I wouldn't offer for the first few months.

When visiting offer to do the odd thing e.g wash up, quick hoover. Offer to make yourself tea & don't expect to be looked after.

Is there such a thing as too many nappies and wipes! Definitely! Don't buy them any! We had loads before the arrival of our son only to find that we didn't get on with the particular brand. Best not to have too many nappies until you know what works imo.

Ooh and don't text advice - I had childless friends send me random messages like 'sleep when the baby sleeps' and it was so bloody annoying as that was the one thing I really struggled to physically do because the baby napped on me all the time!

Enjoy seeing the new baby op, you sound like a caring friend.

As a new mum, I'd have kissed the person who sent over/brought round some food @Krumb. I personally would've been mortified if someone came over and started tidying up but that's just me.

@gothefcktosleep please can you share what the baby music box looks like? Where it's from? Sounds like the perfect present!!!

@titnomatani it’s www.amazon.co.uk/Trousselier-Duck-Musical-Wooden-Box/dp/B001AXTV4W/ref=asc_df_B001AXTV4W/?hvlocphy=1007198&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=309757378209&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-587515617994&hvrand=6474079644032820372 still works on her now as a toddler!

All new parents and babies are different. I'd ask them what they need and do it - it could be hold the baby while they eat/bathe/tidy up or they might want you to cook/clean/tidy.
Be prepared for your plans to change, if they have a baby whose sleep is unpredictable or the baby had colic and screams a lot!

I just wanted people to offer to make the tea as poor dh was very tired too but he was constantly looking after visitors when they came round. It really annoyed me thst everyone expected him to look after them so they could cuddle his baby. Don't visit until invited. Just say to let you know when they are ready for company. We kept friends at a distance as we had a lot of medical appointments in between family and I was exhausted for the first 2 weeks. Food would have been very welcome!

Dropping off meals or gifting vouchers for delivery is very helpful, but please, PLEASE don't show up unannounced, ever. Always call or text first to ask if it's a convenient time. Offer your help but don't feel offended if they don't take you up on it. Your friends need time to find their feet and adjust to becoming parents.

Ask them when the baby is here. With my first I was very ill and would have wanted someone to come and do some housework and bring me food. Don’t just say what do you want but offer options, do you want me to hold baby while you do something, clean your bathroom, sit and chat with your or bring your dinner.

Newborns are at their most difficult on an evening so they probably won’t be wanted to go over to anyone for dinner but they may so ask them.

Turning up with a meal, biscuits/cake or giving a voucher for a takeaway place would be very appreciated I'm sure.

Personally I wouldn't have wanted people to come round and do my washing up/hoovering but that's just me!

Your friend might welcome the chance to get out the house with the baby after a few months. It can sometimes feel like groundhog day when you're in the house with a newborn, so maybe suggest going somewhere nearby for a walk or coffee.

Yes definitely take food over to them, be helpful when you're at their house rather than just sitting on the sofa cuddling. Babysitting offers will be received differently depend on their experience (e.g. bottle or bf, babies/parents temperament). For me I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving the baby with anyone other than close family or possibly close friends with children until she was toddler age and not bf (when she wouldn't be happy staying with people she doesn't know really well anyway...!). It's a lovely thought I just wouldn't want you to worry if it was politely declined or ignore - it'd be nothing personal.

When I had my first born, the best thing my bf could do was take him while I showered lol. Little things i took for granted became impossible. She washed bottles for me too. But mainly she played with baby so I could become human again! Lol.

Tbh- and I know you’re just trying to be helpful- but I’d just leave them to it. Other than bringing a gift and making her a cuppa while you’re there they really won’t need, or probably want, any extra interference help. Just let them have their own space to get to grips with parenting their baby. She has her partner there to do cooking and cleaning and let her rest. Unless the baby is born with health issues or she has a horrendous birth then really they don’t need help. Tell them to call if they need anything but other than that just leave it.

When my best friend had her first her husband was working a long distance away (very specialised job in the middle of the recession.? I used to go down to her house and hang out her laundry, put it away, make lunch and give the baby a bottle and let her get some sleep on my day off. As she told me years later it was just having company in the house was her lifesaver as she found it very lonely.

Let her know that you're there to help, I suppose. Things I loved: people that came around and took DS for a walk in the sling so that I could have a nap, people that were willing to let me camp out on their sofa for most of the day so that I could have adult company, people who would hold the baby so that I could shower/pee.

Things I hated: people doing anything with the dishwasher, my laundry or my kitchen.

They can get stuff themselves (my favourite gift was an Amazon voucher which allowed me to panic buy baby sleep aids on prime), but the offer of your time is invaluable.

The gift of shower time would have been the best thing someone could have given me! Someone got us some amazing ready meals from Cook which we were grateful for. I don't have family nearby and my hudband didn't get any paternity leave so the best gifts were the ones money couldn't buy - a but if help and someone to hold the baby while I popped to the loo, or let me sleep! One friend did turn up unannounced though and I was mortified - I was in a dressing gown and the house was a tip. Please never do that! You sound like really good friend and your friend is lucky to have you!

Hi @IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory I doubt that my friend would see me offering to help as "interference". Yes she has a partner who will help but he would only have his pat leave and then would be back at work. I'm not saying I'm going to be over at her house the moment she is back from the hospital. Obviously her and her partner will need time to adjust to being new parents. I am asking for advice in both the short and long term.

Guys, your advice has been absolutely wonderful. My bf has asked me to be godmother (surprised she trusts me with that title..I hope this means I get a crown). The food idea seems to be the big one for you lot. I do get what some of you mean about it being strange doing her chores around the house, I like stuff done my way haha. She has a bit of an interfering family so I don't want her to be forgotten about in the excitement of the baby arriving. She and her partner need looking after too so that they can look after the baby.
Thank you everyone your messages have been so sweet and helpful I don't feel as lost now. I'll be cracking on with making some vouchers for her now!! Xx

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory I have to disagree with your comment that they won't need any help. Maybe that's the case for some mums, and maybe that was your own personal experience, but I had a perfectly healthy baby and an okay birth, and I definitely needed help! I found adjusting to motherhood a real struggled and would have given anything for someone to come round and watch the baby briefly while I showered or got dressed etc. If the mother's partner works full time, and especially if they have a long commute, it can feel very much like you're doing it alone and it can be lonely and tough to get even thr simplest things done. I think the mother to be is very lucky to have such a thoughtful friend as the OP.

She has a bit of an interfering family

In which case she may have plenty of help!

I know you want to be involved but don’t push your “help” on them. It’s not about you.

I really don't think that's what's happening here... 🤨

I couldn't think of anything harder than becoming a new mum. All I want to do is help in whichever way I can.
Of course this is all about me, why would I ask for peoples advice on how to help my friend. I do wonder how I will get my head through the door.
Thanks to all of you who have given advice and your own stories of parenthood. Its given me a food for thought.
Thanks again loves!!