Why does my toddler hate bedtime?

[AriadneO]

Our 20-month old has never been a good sleeper (or an easy baby), and the latest manifestation is that bedtime is just miserable.

The routine is to have a bath (with bath toys), brush teeth, change into PJs, a breastfeed, then into cot in own room. We used to read too, but she now cries and throws the book so we've given up.

We used to be able to do the routine, and only have some crying towards the end. Now she fights every stage, and it's a real struggle physically getting her into her PJs as she contorts her body and screams.

Does anyone else have this experience? What can we change to make this less awful? It's making bedtime so miserable for everyone, and is probably bad for her sleep as she goes to sleep in a rage. Thank you

Does she still have a nap in the day? If so, what time and how long?

She does. She wakes around 6am, and naps at around 12.30/1pm. She naps for two hours on a good day, 40 mins on a bad day.

Pull bedtime earlier. She sounds tired.

It’s around this age they realise they have will- everything with my 28 month old is a battle- keep calm! Fortunately at this age they also follow us round so sometimes I leave the room when she refuses to put on her vest and soon enough she runs after me and I can put it on. What time is bed time?

My 19 month old has just started to do similar. He says 'no' when we say it's bath time, he's then not too bad up until the point that he has milk and story but will then start to get teary and cry for the parent that's not doing bedtime. He does cry a bit when we put him into his cot but I've found the last couple of nights if I start talking about what were doing tomorrow he will stop and listen and calm down. It's just a phase that will pass (or so I keep telling myself) and we are just being consistent and doing what we have always done, whilst staying calm (trying) and reassuring him. It's coincided with a huge leap in his language and some separation anxiety.

Bedtime routine starts 6.30, aiming to be done fighting and in bed and asleep by 7. Sometimes she will breastfeed for over 20 mins though before I can remove myself, and then have a cry before she finally sleeps, so can be as late as 7.30 when she's finally asleep.

She wakes in the morning around 6am.

Try and earlier bedtime. She could be over tired.

Also, try mixing up the routine to throw her off the scent. Maybe take her into your bedroom after the bath to put her pjs on. Have a story before the bath. My son had a phase of refusing to put his pjs on and he used to run around his room to get away from us. It helped a lot once the weather got cold and he started asking to get dressed.

I think this is normal unfortunately! My only advice would be to keep as calm and playful as possible - make it a game where you can. For a long time the only way to get DD up the stairs for bedtime was to chase her saying that Mummy/ Daddy Monster is coming - she loved to run and 'hide' in her room.

I'm reassured to hear others have similar experiences and it's 'normal'. My friends' children seem to fall into the 'one more story/song/cuddle' camp, which sounds delightful compared to the screaming mess we have. DD won't tolerate having a book read to her, and hasn't done so for over 6 months now - it makes me rather sad.

start bedtime routine earlier. that way she has longer to wind down, you can take your time without getting stressy. i take DS up an hour before i want rid of him. he used to be very difficult but now (2.5) he's very compliant.

also he's only been able to sit down and read a book with me since summer and he loves it now (and is very much one more story/read this book at any moment i am busy ) keep trying she'll get there.

My DSis is a psychologist and she told me something about toddlers that makes so much sense of the wierd behaviour. She said: their one job in life is to ensure you don't desert them, because they are too young to thrive alone biologically. So any routine that implies separation (getting dressed for nursery/ bathtime before being out in a dark room away from you etc) can cause meltdowns because their survival instinct of Don't Leave Me kicks in. Doesn't help much but does explain it.

FYI the book thing really saddens me too- have read to my LO from when she was born, now she screams
Nooo and wants to “read” it herself. I try every night still and pick up books in the day and read even if she’s not listening- maybe pointless but I don’t want her to hate books- however I think she sits nicely at nursery to story time

Thank you @milliefiori I've read that too and it's really helpful. I just need to be patient and wait for DD's language to get to the point where she can really understand our reassurances.

@MerryDeath I've read that the bedtime routine shouldn't be too long. Do you find that a longer routine helps your little one?

@AriadneO it works with mine! i haven't read any books tbh 🙈 it's just sort of evolved to be that way, i prefer it as i'm not rushing and therefore at risk of getting stressy and he likes it as he gets quite a long time in the bath where he plays in a much more relaxed way than he does when he's got space to leap about, so that's probably max 25/30 min bath and teeth and then 15/20 min reading books, then lights go out and we sing some songs before i say night night. he's just so good these days! it's the total opposite of how it used to be but it is just works for us.

@MerryDeath thank you, it's maybe worth a shot then. I'll try anything!