What do I do about this abuse and bullying situation?

[Wonderwomann]

My DD is 9 and started a new primary school a couple of months ago as we’d just moved into a new area. DD is very quiet and shy so she finds it hard to make friends, but had managed to become good friends with a neighbours daughter who is also in DD class at the same school. For some reason this girl gave me a bad vibe (comes across as the bossy girl in any friendship group and seems to order people around) so I had been keeping an eye on my DD around her.

Anyways a few days ago my DD came home and quietly asked me and DH if she was ugly.

We were completely shocked! After obviously telling her no whilst hugging/holding her we gave her some time and I asked her why she would ask us such a thing. She went quiet and then eventually said that her friend (neighbours daughter) has started bullying her, calling her names and told the other kids in her class not to talk to or be friends with her anymore because she’s ugly. And then burst out crying and said that everyone ignored her all day in class.

Obviously we were pissed and I had a plan to march down to that school the very next day raging giving that girl, her parents and the staff a piece of my mind, blatant disgusting bullying! Right? However DD begged me all night not to saying she’d be embarrassed and that I’d make things worse.

This is where things get a bit strange. I came to pick her up the next day from school still wondering what to do about the bullying situation and I saw DD walking with the neighbours daughter (her bully) through the gates. On the way home I asked her why they looked like they were friends again and DD wouldn’t tell me, and said in a kinda nonchalant mood that it doesn’t matter and that everyone is being nice and talking to her again so she’s happy. I pressed the issue but decided to leave it for the time being and instead spoke to my husband when he got home from work.

He brought up the same situation to DD privately at bedtime and she told DH that her bully had confided in her at lunchtime that she had only started bullying DD because she was angry that her father has been beating her and her mother more often recently (I’m guessing it was a normal occurrence for them) and had beat her mother with a shoe the night before the incident when DD came home crying, because her mother wouldn’t give him any money. DD said she apologised to her for telling everyone not to speak to her and asked if they could be friends again. When DH asked DD why she didn’t tell me this earlier DD said it was because she was worried that I’d say something to her friend or stop her hanging out with her.

Anyways I’m not upset that she didn’t tell me, I’m more confused about what to do about this situation now. I don’t feel comfortable with DD forgiving and still being friends with this girl even though I know she wants to. AIBU if I tell her to stop being friends? Should I say something to the school about what the girl told my DD? I’m now wondering where to go with with the abuse situation and feel awful/very confused and know that it could be a very sensitive subject... My husband and I want to go to the school about the bullying especially as I feel it could happen again, but don’t want to betray DD trust. We are concerned about the abuse situation but we don’t want to get involved in what isn’t our business in case we do end up making things worse. Advice?

Not to come across harsh here @wonderwoman, but your daughter just disclosed to you that her 9yo friend and her mother are being beaten by a man in their own home. My immediate concern would not be over one isolated incident of bullying, with quite extenuating circumstances involved.

It most certainly is your business that you now know a child is being beaten and subjected to domestic violence. You need to report this to social services and protect your friends daughter. The mother can make her own decisions.

As for the incident with your daughter, it can wait. It was a one off incident so far and should it happen again, then I’d be taking it to the school. Priorities and all that!!!

Or NSPCC anonymously. Either way, please do not do nothing. That situation is very dangerous for that poor child!

The bullying you describe would not at all be a main concern for me. Also, was it bullying or two friends falling out for the day? I was bullied at school and none of my bullies would have would have apologised nor so quickly. They would not have recognising they'd behaved badly on their own. This poor little girl sounds like she is really hurting and as if she's also taken your shy daughter under her wing at the new school. I suspect the strange vibe you get from the friend is related to the abuse she is experiencing, not her being an inherently bad child or a risk to your DD. An inherently bad child would not have recognised they were at fault, apologised or explained themselves. She made a mistake, because she was distressed and hurting. This child deserves empathy. I understand it must have been horrible to see your DD upset, but can you even imagine what her friend is living? It's resolved. -- If there are issues in the future worry about them then, if they happen.

Right now, you have learned a little girl and her mother are being beaten. That's massive, and should be your top priority. It is very much your business now you know. You have a duty to report this, and if you don't I think you bare moral responsibility for any continuing abuse. Knowing and doing nothing would be abhorrent, you would be partly complicit. You need to report this as soon as possible to try to protect this vulnerable little girl. Imagine if it were your daughter in her place, seeing something like that and being hit. What do you think it would do to her?

You must report this to the school, social services and/or NSPCC.

With being concerned about how it 'might' end up 'making it worse', if you say nothing the abuse is certain to continue. If you speak up this child 'might' be saved and have a chance at safety. Even if she is not removed/protected this time then if another report is received it will help. You are giving her a chance. It must feel a huge thing to report, but she deserves that chance. It can't really get much worse than it currently is for the child and if there was blow back on her it's likely to be short lived, anyway.

You owe it to her to try, and I think you owe it to your DD, too.

Your DD sounds like an amazing girl and obviously her well being is going to be your primary concern. The fact that she was still prepared to listen to this girl who has clearly got an abusive home life after what she said to her says that she has a degree of maturity and emotional intelligence beyond her years. The girls seem to have a bond and I think your daughter can see the distress her classmate is in. Talk to the safeguarding person at school about what your daughter has disclosed and your concerns.

I have been thinking about it all night this story really makes me so worried. I’ve been having bad nightmares for days now. I am going to report it anonymously. Do I need to make a statement to the NSPCC or the school, will I have to gather any evidence? I am going to report it to the school but I don’t want DD (or anyone for that matter) to find out.

@wonderwomann you can just relay what you know to the safeguarding lead at school or call the nspcc hotline. Don’t put it on yourself to gather any evidence etc.. just say what you know, it’s plenty and definitely the right thing to do.

You’re daughters really brave for telling you this and good for you for taking action on it for that little girl!