I'm so scared I'm going to regret being a mum

[erised]

I'm currently only 8+3 weeks pregnant and I'm terrified about what's to come. I really wanted this baby, I was so obsessed with having one and was so sad when I saw mums and babies out and about and when abortion was mentioned I broke down. My feelings have now almost completely changed. I'm just scared and can't stop thinking 'what have I done?'. Me and my husband don't really do much anyway, we're not party goers or we don't do holidays etc so that won't change but I'm just so scared I'm going to hate my life and regret having a baby. Has anyone else felt this way?

Congratulations!
Have you considered it could be hormones making you feel like this?

It’s so very unlikely you will regret it, especially as it’s a much wanted baby.

Of course there will be times when you are so tired, tear you hair out with frustration etc.. but the good times massively outweigh the bad!

Back to the hormones, I’m having #3, we tried for 3 months. But when feeling hormonal I do sometimes think ‘what have I done!! My older 2 are independent to a point, can walk to school etc... so I’m starting again.”

I think it’s quite normal to have thoughts like that

sometimes i regret being a mum! i've got a toddler and another one on the way. it's passing and totally normal to wonder about the other paths you could have taken, and have regrets when the grass looks greener.

what is important is it doesn't change how i feel about my children, or the care i take of them. but sometimes i think "fuck, this is a thankless life! should have stayed single, kept my independence". it's just a thought, it changes nothing.

I have thought that it's probably my hormones but it's hard to think through it.

This is totally normal! Don't worry! Everyone has a panic when they see the line and realise it's actually started and isn't (really) reversible, even when it's something you've planned and hoped for.

It is a big thing so it's absolutely normal to feel anxious or unsure. It doesn't mean you don't want the baby or that you will regret parenthood.

Congratulations :)

I felt exactly like this too, almost like a month long panic attack when I found out I was pregnant. We were due to start trying a few months later so I too was surprised by my feelings. It soon went away (mine was replaced with Hyperemesis for a few months which was fab!) and then you just get more and more excited. Life will be so different but you will love them soooo much.

I think "oh God what have I done?" is a pretty normal thing to think. There are very few life decisions you can make that have as big an impact as whether/when/who with to have children, if that makes sense.

At this point, the question is no longer "Should I get pregnant?" but "Would I rather keep the baby/have an abortion/put baby up for adoption?" which is a bit different. If you're leaning towards option 2 or 3 then it may be worth asking your GP to refer you for counseling re: pregnancy choices.

On the other hand, if you think the issue is more anxiety about the future - What were the reasons you wanted a baby? You don't have to list them here, but it might be helpful to think back over them. Have any of those things actually changed?

A perinatal psychologist told me that 70% of new mothers report feelings of ambivalence towards their baby in the early days. It is normal, and not a sign of impending disaster.

What is it about your life as a mother that you might hate? It might be helpful to give some examples - and then think about the likelihood of it happening, how long it would happen for (children change all the time), how you could manage it if it did happen, etc.

Part of what makes pregnancy hard is that there are so many social rules about what mothers-to-be are meant to think and feel. We're supposed to be on a pink fluffy cloud and thrilled by everything and want to be totally absorbed in baby stuff but it's OK to not feel like that. During pregnancy a woman's body and lifestyle and world view and identity change faster than at any other point in your life, all at the same time, in ways that are really hard to predict.

What Nobody Tells You by Alexandra Sacks is a book that goes through some of the mental side of pregnancy, including practical advice on how to deal with issues that lots of people find difficult. It's worth a look.

Most people have heard of Postnatal Depression. Antenatal anxiety is also a thing, affecting around 20-25% of women. Left untreated it can make your pregnancy b thoroughly miserable and make PND much more likely. Talk to your midwife (when you meet her) about how you're feeling. If you feel fobbed off, or if you're not going to meet her for a while, go and see your GP. There is help available. (There's also good info online, MIND and Tommy's are good places to start)

Thank you. I'm also worried as I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and the symptoms include bad joint pain and extreme fatigue. I'm already so tired just from doing everyday things, I can't imagine how tired I'm going to be with a child. It's very scary to me.