Why oh why does my dd still have accidents at 4.4 when she is play with her friends

[cedar12]

I have posted on her a few time my dd has been a pain to toilet train. she goes through phases of being fine then not again. Almost every time she has played with friends this holidays she has had an accident. She is fine at home and when she out with me. i have tried sticker chart and reward they work for a while then stop. Although she dosent wet her self at home her pants are always damp and smelly at the end of the day. Spoke to hv today she cant do a visit for 3 weeks due to holidays etc but has promised she is going to phone some specialist in the mean time to get some advise as it has gone on for so long. Just need to know we are not the only ones starting to dread going to friends etc she has done it every day this week! I am sure she just cant be bothered she starts school in september I dont want her to be the one who wets her self in the play ground. She has been ok with it at play school for about a year. Help please let me know she not the only one

Because she's too involved in playing to go to the loo.

Our friends dd is like this. Same age. They've tried all sorts.
Sympathys.

Thanks Princessmel what have they tried?

Reward charts with stickers and/or prizes at the end, ignoring it, homeopathy, getting tough i.e banning tv if she has accidents, visits to eurolagist (sp)
She doesn't just do it at friends but is worse there.
She'll be ok for weeks or months then go back to square one.
homeopathy seemed to work the best. so far anyway. mt friends just learnt to deal with it. Its tough on her though.

Hi Cedar, she will not be the only one who has accidents at school. My DS will also be in that group. My HV say "ohhhh don't worry they all start weeing them selves when they start school" (not much help at all when I'm crying down the phone to her )

There is not a single day in the past year that we have not had wet clothes coming home from nursery or at home . Even last month he was regularly having 3+ wets a day. Like your dd he just get so tied up with stuff and he doesn't mind being wet, so he has no incentive.

But we have made some progress recently, is your dd constipated at all? DS he was and I think he was confusing the feelings of No.1s & No.2s and having lost of wetting accidents. He is now taking lactulose form the docs which is helping

Sticker chars, bribes etc haven't helped but when we were on holiday we went to a couple of outings and after 1 accident we said we would leave if he had another. We did leave after the next accident and i think that has made him take note a bit more.

Sorry I don't have a magic wand but don't I'm feeling a bit more positive at the moment and i'm sure your dd will get there. Are you going to mention anything to the school??

because she is too busy with what she is doing?
dn used to wet herself because she simply didnt want to leave what she was doing to go to the loo!

i would imagine that a few accident at school will almost certainly focus her mind. she wont want to feel bad, or be seen to be a baby, or yukky...so will make more effort?

i actually dont think its such a terrible thing that she gets so engrossed in playing she has accidents... and not so rare as you imagine either. im pretty sure i remember both my younger db and dsis making the same mistakes as young ones (obv, if i did same, i have conveniently forgotten!)

i would say; just stay positive and try not to aach too much anxiety to the whole issue (amazing what they can pick up on ime), as anxiety is sure to make it harder for her to come outof this stage. give her lots of love and lots of praise. and dont make her feel a bad person for 'failing' to make you happy by 'failing' to get to the toilet in time. no that i think you would...

Thanks everyone, dd does get constipated every month or so which does make it worse. Dont know why she constipated she has really good diet etc. I will mention it to the school they do a home visit before she starts. I dont think it will be a major problem at school except maybe play time when she out side.

If it's any comfort, my 6 year old who is about to go into year 2 at school, still has the occasional accident at school. She is quite blase about it and knows where to get the spare knickers and a plastic bag from! It's very common, the teachers will be very used to handling it without making a big issue out of it. We also have a 4 year old (birthday today!) who still wets occasionally. With the 6 yr old I also think it's a case of can't be bothered. She responds well to praise and star charts and will also relapse when you stop giving her attention for it. Very frustrating, but I think she just needs to grow up a bit, my dd is a bit immature for her age - sounds unfair to say that of a six year old but she does act more like she's 4 or 5 at times. Anyway it's normal, don't worry too much, make sure SHE is the one inconvenienced by having an accident. I will clear up a puddle on the floor but dd has to clean herself, put the wet knickers in the nappy bucket and go get herself some dry things. This has reduced accidents as she's twigged that this takes far longer than just getting to the toilet on time in the first place!

Thanks Christine my dd also responds well to star chart etc but as soon as we phase it to she starts again!!

When I was about 4, I was at a playschool pantomine thing. At half time, the teacher asked who needed the loo. Some kids got up and went but they continued to do magic tricks "on stage" afraid I would miss something I stayed and ended up wetting myself.

I remember in clearly. all because I didn't want to miss something/ was enjoying myself too much. Maybe your DD is the same

PS. I grew out of such things... honest!