I feel as though I could have been a fairly good mum, if only I’d had my child a little older and with the right person. As I fell pregnant shortly after completing my degree (at nearly 21) and due to my family being old, I’ve had little experience with kids. Despite this, I’ve tried my best to ensure that I kept the best balance between research and intuition when caring for my baby, (e.g. extended rear facing, breastmilk benefits, 6 month weaning, vaccinations- not saying I’ve followed all of these, just giving examples of taking measured judgements, as all mothers do.)
Anyway, I feel I’ve been a complete failure. Me and my partner argue constantly and are never on the same page- even when I try to ‘discuss’ and not argue. I’ve rahcsd the point where I loose my rag and scream like a banshee at him just like my mum used to scream at me! This must be having a negative impact on the baby. He’s 12 months old. He’s a lovely, active and fiery little one (has ‘baby’ tantrums already). Nevertheless, my partner has no patience with him (he’s 25) and has shouted and sworn at him before. I’ve never let this go, I’ve become irate and then shouted at my parter myself- which I think is worse for the baby. He does not come from the type of family that would tolerate this and I’m very close to them. Most of our arguments centre around the fact that my parter does nothing to help in the house and does very little but play with the baby (I’m a SAHM, looking for work soon). Tonight he has agreed to never shout at the baby again but I don’t believe him. It tends to happen whenever I actually ask him to attend the baby’s needs and the baby rejects in some way, e.g. nappy change, feeding (rare). As a result, I don’t ask I him to do anything because I don’t want him getting frustrated with the baby. I have threatened to leave him over this as I don’t believe that a 12 month old should be shouted and sworn at for having a tantrum over wanting the spoon and then throwing spaghetti (especially when I’ve gritted my teeth all day over things like this and then he shouts after one minute- it feels like all my hard efforts to keep cool are washed away immediately). When I’ve raised this, my partner doesn’t address the issue but merely argues back that we have issues because I’m cold with him and don’t love him. After hearing such nonsense, I’m so, so, so, angry. I cry. I don’t understand why he can’t just help more. It’s almost like the emotion is too much for me.
Our son sees this but doesn’t take much notice. But at 12 months he’s soaking it up, unconsciously. I feel so awful. I’ve never loved anything like my child, and never will. It’s rough at the monent. I look at my child and I see the perfect child...I look at our life and wish so badly that I could be 30+ with a mature, loving man and established family, for him. I just wish I could have known how much I’d have loved a baby before having one. Failing your child is one of the most painful things. I don’t know what more to say. I hope someone has the answer for me?