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Parenting

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Wife Struggling / What's Normal?

8 replies

DoingDadding · 11/12/2019 23:00

Evening all, not sure if this is the best place but here goes, I think I'm just after some opinions and maybe advice I don't know really. Perhaps even just an outlet and some confirmation that things are normal.

My wife and I have a beautiful 8 month old baby boy. He's a really good baby, and in a lot of ways we really couldn't be much luckier. He sleeps well overnight and has done from about 3 months old, however he's been teething for a few months already and can be quite hard to keep happy due to this.

I don't feel that he's any more difficult than a baby should be really, however my wife is struggling with the crying and unhappiness and has started talking about how she feels that he's going to be a handful and will grow up to be strong minded and difficult, and generally getting herself stressed about things. To my mind he's just a baby teething and is quite needy at the moment, I don't feel that he's showing any difficult traits or in fact anything out of the ordinary for what I would expect.

Some relevant background here is that my wife has had some mental health issues in the past and was previously on anti-depressants, however came off these before we started trying for a baby and has been fine since. I think I'm concerned that this current stress could cause a relapse, but I'm also mindful that having a new baby is about as stressful as it gets, so it's perfectly normal and rational to be stressed out, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a warning sign.

Most recently she's been talking about struggling with his crying and the stress making her shout at him at times, which she doesn't want to do but acknowledges she has. We have a good relationship and I feel we communicate well with each other so I'm happy that she's talking to me about this rather than trying to manage it herself, but I think what I'm having a hard time working out (as it's my first time as a parent also) is whether what she's going through is normal and reasonable, or whether I need to be suggesting other options like going back to see a GP.

I really don't underestimate just how hard it is to look after a newborn baby, and we're doing the majority of ourselves without much family support. Whilst she did the first 4 months of maternity leave, we discussed the situation and I was able to reduce my hours at work and take some shared paternity leave, so she has been able to go back to work part-time, which I was hoping would give her another focus and some breathing space away from just having to look after our son while I work. As it stands we're splitting time with him pretty much 50/50, and whilst this made a difference or seemed to initially, her stress levels seem to be mounting again.

Apologies for the lengthy post, if anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be grateful. I think I've covered the important information but feel free to ask any questions if you feel I've missed anything.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 11/12/2019 23:13

I'm having a think here. Do you do your 50:50 time with your baby separately, because of work? Do you ever get to do parenting together?

Parenting an older baby can be lonely and boring for a lot of people. And the drop offs / pick ups between work and home chores used to fry my brain.

I wasn't bugged by the sound of teething distress and the crying but I know plenty of parents are. Maybe it's triggering something in her.

Is your wife getting enough sleep? Does she get back to sleep easily once woken?

Sorry that's a lot of questions.

DoingDadding · 11/12/2019 23:23

Thanks for your reply :)

Primarily our time is spent alone as we're both working and we're not really in a position to afford childcare. However we get at least 1 day a week where we're together, and we're very lucky to have time together on an evening as our son pretty much goes to bed at 7pm and sleeps till 7am.

The caveat there is that he will wake during the night, sometimes once or twice, sometimes 4 or 5 times and will need his dummy to settle him again, I'm assuming due to teething pains.

You're right to ask about the sleep, it's hard to tell. Pre-baby she would happily sleep for 9 hours+, however she adapted when he was born and was doing fairly well on less. I find it much easier to get up when he wakes and sort him, then get back to sleep, however she struggles to get back to sleep, so what I've started doing on days when she's working is sleeping in his room, it's easy for me to then settle him when he stirs and get back to sleep without disturbing her.

That said, that isn't all the time, so generally her sleep is still disturbed and she does struggle to get back to sleep.

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KellyHall · 11/12/2019 23:26

It is easy to lose your temper and shout but it's apparently detrimental to the development of babies' brains so she needs to find some other coping mechanisms. I'd suggest she talk to the Health Visitor or GP.

I also disagree that a small baby is the hardest it can get, although it might be the hardest first time parents have experienced up to that point in time! If she can't cope with a crying 8 month old, what on earth will she do with a 2 year old screaming in her face, hitting her and throwing things around??

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DoingDadding · 11/12/2019 23:35

I get where you're coming from, but I think it's a period of adjustment and adaption isn't it.

I appreciate a screaming 2 year old isn't going to be easy, however when you've been through the baby part already at least it starts to prepare you for what's to come. But you also make a valid point, which is sort of what I'm trying to work out. Do we have a problem, or is this normal stuff.

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Mwnci123 · 11/12/2019 23:38

I had times where I felt that my baby was unhappy because she cried and fussed so much (probably a fairly normal amount), and times when I found crying/ fussing hard to cope with and very frustrating. I've shouted at my baby, too, which I find hard to comprehend now she's older and so much easier. I didn't consider myself to be depressed or massively struggling, just not great at some aspects of caring for a baby/ infant. I suppose it's about context- whether it's all negative, or whether she enjoys some of it, and is engaging with your baby and caring well for her overall..

Harrysmummy246 · 12/12/2019 09:15

I think perhaps your wife needs to go to the GP and talk about whether ADs would be helpful again. I say this from a position of going back on them when DS was 6 weeks old.

But, I'm going to say that you sound a little judgemental towards your wife at the moment. Asking if it's a problem for her. Does she know that you've posted here?

Please look into the 8-10 mo sleep regression as well- not everything is teething! It is an intense period of development and has a knock on effect.

As for screaming hitting toddler vs 8 mo old, I'm far happier with my 2 yo than the baby days. He can occupy himself and communicate what he wants/ what is wrong. And 'thank you mummy' or 'wow mummy' go a long way to ease it. Plus being able to leave for longer periods without him being reliant on my (BF).

Teachermaths · 12/12/2019 09:28

OP you sound like a supportive husband who is trying to help as best you can.

Is the baby waking for the dummy? Have you tried putting lots of dummies in the cot and leaving them to it? Might be worse in the short term but long term they will be able to sort themselves out in the night.

I agree with the PP about finding it hard having a baby sometimes. I didn't need anti depressants, I was coping OK, I just didn't love every single minute. It can feel relentless and never ending spending a day with a small baby. Does she go out to playgroups?

I think an open honest chat with her might help. Perhaps she would prefer to work full time?

DoingDadding · 18/12/2019 18:31

I've taken a few days before replying to this, just to sort of a have a think and also see how the situation developed.

Harrysmummy246, thanks for your reply. It's good to see that you found it easier with a 2 year old, a little hope! Also we've now got a tooth through at the front, so that helps a little to confirm that!

I thought about your comment about seeming judgemental. I think and hope this is more down to poor phrasing on my part than anything else. When I've stated a problem for her, I mean to refer to a struggle with depression. I also may sound like I'm trying to decide for her, however this isn't the case. We've had some difficult periods in the past where my wife hasn't realised how bad things have become until I've pushed her to look for some help or talk about things. I think that's very easy with depression, it sneaks up on you and after a few bad days it feels like the norm and it's hard to recognise there's been a change.

What I can say is that all I'm trying to do is support her as best I can. I understand it's a stressful time, it is for me also. I don't want to push her in any one direction either, it's not for me to decide what's best, however I'd like to be able to offer some options if she starts to struggle, or at least recognise when things aren't right.

As it happens, we had a discussion yesterday as she's continuing to find it hard, and she's said she feels like there are more bad days than good currently. She's spoken to our GP and decided to restart AD's for the time being.

Hopefully this will help a little in the short term.

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