PILs staying for two nights - 2 week old baby - too much?

[LexCake]

First time mum and new to MN.

DD currently 11 days old. Love her to bits but she is not a great sleeper. In the day she has long naps in our arms but cries when put down. At night, fusses and fusses, on and off breast, still can’t be put down.

I’ve got comfortable with the idea that this is all normal (fourth trimester and all that) and intend to experiment with different ideas for getting her to sleep. We’ve got time before we need to worry about routines and things.

HOWEVER my other half has arranged (though I agreed) for his parents to come and stay for two nights this weekend. As it approaches I’m dreading it. Today, my parents came to visit for a few hours which was perfect. PILs live too far away to do that. My two big worries:

1. My partner is currently sleeping in the spare room so that at least one of us gets some rest. DD feeds off and on for hours overnight and I’m lucky if she nods off to sleep at any point (so basically reluctant co-sleeping). If PILs come he’ll be back in here.

1. MIL is judgemental. Before baby it was about cleaning/housework/weeding (always directed at me and not my other half). I’m sure that DS’ lack of sleep orderliness will just provide her with a rich seam of material. To complicate things, she’s in the early stages of dementia and so does say inappropriate things sometimes. I’d have the patience to handle that if I wasn’t sleep deprived and hormonal.

How have others handled these things? Would IBU to shorten the visit to one night or suggest they find a Travelodge?

Are they visiting anyone else whilst down? if not I would make plans for your dh to take them out to give you a break from them for a few hours each day. I felt suffocated with visitors staying longer than a few hours. If they can stay at a hotel I would recommend that if not make sure you take baby and you off into the bedroom when it becomes overwhelming

Can’t they look after the baby while you nap? Or take the baby out for a few hours? Or clean your house and stock your freezer? Don’t work yourself up over nothing, it’s two days and they may be helpful, you really don’t know.

I think you’ll just need to try and manage it and prep your DH to take them out etc. and have a line prepared that you repeat over and over like “thanks but we’re happy with what we’re doing, Margaret.”

A hotel would be my thoughts to be honest. Tell your DH to rein his mum in if she starts any crap

Absolutely suggest a Travelodge - your postpartum time is precious and if having overnight guests stresses you out then don't do it.

Second choice for me would be to shorten the visit to one night and make sure your husband is making the bed for them, cooking, cleaning up, maybe take them out for a coffee/drink to give you some time to relax at home.

As a pp suggested, having a little script to rattle off if MIL criticises the way you are doing things is a good idea. It can be hard to deal with, but I'm sure you'll get lots of unwanted advice now you have a baby so it will be good practice!

A helpful line to have in your armoury is that your doctor/health visitor told you to do it this way. Then you can direct any snottiness to them with an eye roll.

OP two nights isn't unreasonable.
Get as many photos with Granny as you can. Time is precious for her too. Grandad probably needs a bit of support too. Don't suggest a hotel that could be really offensive and very stressful for them.

You have one full day with them get out pram pushing or do something Christmasy.

If the baby sleeps well in the day when held they could hold the baby while you take a nap. This is what my mil did. She'd hold the baby and the. Wake me for a feed, it was good to get a rest. It's just two days so think it's doable.

It's doable. Only two nights. I'd let them come. A hotel suggestion might be hurtful. It's a special time and as long as your OH has your back and manages them you should be ok

Unless they are going to help you don't have them stay at your house. My mum came to stay when my dc was born and she was an angel. We didn't lift a finger whilst she was here, she did all my housework and cooked all my meals and sent me up for naps. However I was comfortable feeding around her and could tell her when I wasn't up for socialising. Unless you are certain your Dh is going to protect you from any judgemental comments from mil or if you feel like you might have to do any running around after them when here, tell them it's too much with a new baby and ask them to book a hotel, you need the privacy of your own home to adjust to a new baby especially when you are establishing feeding. You aren't being mean I think they were a bit silly to want to stay when there is a newborn!

I agree with Aria, if they can be pressed into service, holding the baby while you nap upstairs then great. I know how unbelievably annoying the comments are on baby’s sleep arrangements, but if you can trot out a few breezy phrases “yes, it’s baffling isn’t it! But she’s not two weeks yet so it’ll sort itself out!” you can get through it.

If you know they won’t help, and you can’t take it, rearrange the visit another way either delay it, ask DH to sleep on the sofa or blow up bed so you can still rest, or offer to book them a hotel.

I still resent the imposition of ILS (admittedly much sooner) when we were in the early days of DC1, so I understand!

I think that you should tell your husband that you are apprehensive and that he will need to back you up but beyond that you can make the weekend work. It's not very long and I don't think it is unreasonable for them to come and stay. It will be a distraction. Get out and about as much as possible if you feel claustrophobic at home and let them help.

Gosh two nights is nothing! Try living with them for 5 years like i have !

Travelodge or similar. Make out it’s for their benefit so that they can get some sleep. If that won’t work, invent some problem in the spare room that means they can’t use it.

I wouldnt have wanted ILs staying so early on. Most surely would suggest staying in a hotel anyway at such a time?

Mixed responses on this it seems. At 11 days old I couldn't think of anything worse than having overnight guests, especially those who may impose their parenting opinions upon you. My DD is 3 and a half weeks old and I still don't like guests for more than a few hours. She's EBF and still jaundice so I'm feeding her every 3 hours which can be a chore if people outstay their welcome (I don't feed in front of anyone but DH, personal preference). You're still establishing your new life with baby, having people in your home whilst you're doing this sounds ever so stressful to me.
I hope you find the right solution! Congrats on baby.

As someone who's mil saw her dgc 3 times before dumping us I would say grit your teeth and smile. Tell dh he needs to show the how your kettle /iron and hoover work. Take yourself +baby to your bedroom whenever suits you.
Tell dh he supports you or he will be leaving when they do...

If it’s two nights and no getting out of it I would grin and bear it. Get your DH to take them out to give you some space. My MIL invited herself down two weeks after I had given birth and I really hated it. I was still getting to grips with my newborn who had horrendous reflux and I was expected to cook and clean whilst she was here! She was constantly telling me I was spoiling my baby and was annoyed that she couldn’t hold the baby very much (I was EBF and cluster feeding!). I wished I had told her to fuck off. She is coming down for Christmas and I certainly won’t be holding my tongue if she pisses me off so don’t be afraid to put yourself and baby first if needed, your recovery in the early days are so important and I think people forget that as they are so desperate to see the baby.

Your best bet is don't complain about the sleep thing. Say everything's going ok, smile and nod at any helpful advice, just ignore it.

I think often relatives say advice comes from a place of love and I'm sure occasionally it does, but often seeing you do it differently plays on their insecurities about how they did it and some people are just arses

Thanks everyone. I’ve given myself a talking to about the fact that it is only two nights and it’s important that the ILs get to spend time with baby, especially the MIL, given her advancing dementia. Thanks for the strategy ideas in terms of giving them tasks, making sure I get time away and preparing some one liners (it’s true that most of what we do is based on MW advice).

All of that said, I think they are a bit daft in thinking it’s a good idea to stay so soon. Do they not realise that they’ll get NO sleep?!?

As long as everyone is clear that YOU will NOT be ‘hosting’ and running around cooking, making endless cups of tea etc. and as long as you are clear with yourself that it’s absolutely fine to take yourself off to your bedroom and close the door as often and for as long as you need to keep calm and feed your baby, then it’ll most likely be absolutely fine.

My parents stayed after DD was born and did most of the cooking/clearing up and I had no qualms about taking myself off with DD to feed her.

So as long as you don’t make yourself feel that you have to be sociable for all waking hours it should be ok.

I wouldn’t be happy with this either, I’d be pushing for a travel lodge.

Having a new baby is difficult enough without being judged at every turn.

Or feign norovirus. Don’t want them catching that just before Xmas!

Well for the first point it's your DH that will lose out on sleep so I wouldn't worry about that. Second point- at least it is the weekend and your DH will be there. I'd try not to be alone with your MIL and use DH to deflect any comments, as she has early dementia the lack of filter is horrible to listen to but not something she can control.

It might seem daft to stay so soon. But dementia patients can become really fixated with 'important' things. Your baby will be very important to her. She's probably asking a dozen times a day about the baby.

My DGM asked constantly when was my wedding, and later when was the baby due. She'd ask you 2 or 3 times in the same 2 hour visit.

I guess the dementia could be on their minds too in terms of visiting early. Deff task them up, and let them have lots of cuddle time when dp is about so you can take a bath, rest etc and dp can bring baby to you if a feed is needed.

I couldn't have managed that. I was really struggling with my son and the pressure of the inlaws staying would have been the tipping point. Yes I'm sure it will mean a lot to them but now is the time to put yourself and your baby first.

My in-laws came to visit (3 hour drive) and stayed in a hotel. Their idea and i was relieved. If I were you I'd suggest it - even book and pay for it yourself if you can afford to - and explain that you were worried about them getting no sleep so figured they'd be more comfortable there. If you act like you were doing it for them they might appreciate it?