Appropriate discipline and general parenting woes

[haventgotabloodyclue]

Short version:
What is appropriate discipline for a headstrong nearly 5 year old DD?

Long version:
DD1 is nearly 5. Love her dearly etc but she tests every boundary, pushes every button etc. What is acceptable discipline for this age group? DH grew up in v strict household with smacking etc but I am not in favour of shutting her in her room etc. I prefer a gentler approach. DH would say I am permissive, I would say he is dictatorial.

Is a time out appropriate for this age group? We tried them a couple of years ago and frankly she couldn't have cared less and ended up doing naughty things then taking herself to the step. Maybe time to revisit them? Star charts fine for a day or two then have no effect. Consequences are very hard to enforce as she doesn't watch TV or have many treats in the week so 'you can't watch cbeebies on saturday morning' isn't much of a threat on a Monday evening! Likewise, it's hard to do extra nice things in the week also - don't want to go down the route of bribery with chocolate etc and things like stickers don't motivate her.

DH and I are inconsistent which I am sure is a large part of the problem. The other day DD1 refused to put her coat on. I told DH to take it with them as she would put it on when she realised she was cold (my priority is always getting out the door, whatever it takes). He refused and called her 'stupid, stupid, stupid' which I then shouted at him about (not proud)... And on it goes... I honestly find it easier when DH is away and I am solo parenting + doing my own full time job which says something as it is an absolute nightmare doing nursery drop off, getting to office, being a semi-functioning professional adult, collecting them, doing dinner, bedtime etc.

We have no family support, both in full time jobs, have to leave the house by 8am every day. DH needs to catch a bus with the DDs at a set time - every day it is a stress to get them out the door on time, even though we do everything we possibly can the night before e.g. making packed lunches. I do everything I can to spend as much quality time with the DDs as I possibly can but there are only so many hours in the day. DD1 also not a great sleeper but never has been tbh. After much complaining and usually tears she will pass out around 8pm and then is up by 06.30am the next day... maybe she's not getting enough sleep?

I was thinking about getting some professional parenting advice? Has anyone tried this? Is it worth it?

Definitely needs a lot more sleep. What is happening in the mornings?

The other day DD1 refused to put her coat on. I told DH to take it with them as she would put it on when she realised she was cold (my priority is always getting out the door, whatever it takes). He refused and called her 'stupid, stupid, stupid' which I then shouted at him about (not proud)

This sounds like something my DH would do. He thinks of himself as "strict" but actually I think he's just prone to expressing his frustration. Which shows a lack of disipline on his part, if anything.

My DD is the same age and also very headstrong.
She's exhausting because often it isn't really about the coat or the sweeties or the LOL Doll (or whatever it is). Its about testing if she make us stop what we're doing and do something for her instead. And she will test and test and test until she has her answer.

My advice is:

1. Pick your battles wisely and
2. Once you've drawn a boundary defend it to the end.

I would have let the coat go because, as you say, its more important to be out of the door.
Also if she's anything like my DD: you'll have to die on another hill later on anyway. You can't die on every hill and its better to be properly firm on a few important points than start out strong and end up backing down on a greater number of things.

I feel that nearly 5 is OK for timeout if used sparingly.
DD gets time out for really persistent tantrums or deliberately mean behaviour towards others.

Thanks both. Glad to hear I'm not alone unlimiteddilutedjuice !

@Selfsettling3 sometimes she will sleep a bit later but invariably her little sister (next door, thin walls) wakes her up before 0630 or she will hear me/DH in the shower - she has always been a light sleeper and early riser. We try to put DD2 down by 1845 for bed and then DD1 gets some time with us on her own and she can choose what we play. We start bedtime around 1915 for teeth brushing etc. I'm struggling to see how we could bring it forward much as we often don't get home until 6pm and need to do dinner etc first. In the mornings she refuses to dress herself (we need to do it for her, even though she used to do it herself when she was much younger), even if we have chosen clothes the night before she will want to change them, she is good at eating breakfast in fairness but generally she wants to pick a fight about everything - putting shoes on, putting coat on, going to nursery full stop (even though she actually loves it there). She doesn't like being rushed either on the rare occasions she has slept in. We try to be as efficient as we can be but it always seems to be a struggle to get out the door! I think we are fundamentally nice normal people but I do feel we are really doing a very bad job with this parenting malarkey. :-(