Please help, I’m at breaking point 😭

[Omashu]

Just looking for advice or a handhold/encouragement.

My 18 month old used to eat and sleep well but since October both have gotten progressively worse!! She used to self sooth to sleep and would wake once for a feed but she’d be back in bed after 20 mins. Now she needs to be fed/rocked/held until she’s fast asleep and then after another 10 mins you can put her down. Usually takes 30mins -1hour to get her to sleep and 2.5 hours to get her back to sleep in the middle of the night (usually wakes at 3-3:30am). I’m willing to try anything but I’m not sure what approach to take!

We did baby led weaning with her and she used to eat everything we gave her except potato/anything mashed. As she’s gotten fussier I’ve given her what I know she will eat because I’m tired and just want her to eat, however now she seems bored of her usual favourites and won’t eat anything she’s not used to so she’s barely eating her meals. She will eat snacks and fruit but I don’t want to just give in let her eat crisps, fruit etc all the time.

I’ve been breastfeeding her but she is just silly with it now and swops from one side to the other and always wants to be twiddling the nipple she’s not feeding from and it’s driving me crazy! Plus when she wakes at night and wants to feed for 2 hours it irritates me so much and I get breastfeeding aversion. Any advice on how to wean her? I’m absolutely done with it now.

None of this is helped by the fact that I’m just generally down. I have put on 4 stone since I got pregnant with her and can’t shift the weight. I’ve been this weight for a while now so I’m not continually gaining but I’ve never needed to diet before now so I’m really struggling. I’m so embarrassed and I hate seeing old friends. I feel like they must be thinking or saying “God she’s put weight on hasn’t she!”. I’ve tried telling a few people about it but they just say “oh no you look fine” but they are just trying to be nice. My OH doesn’t help.. I always tell him I’m not getting any dessert as I need to lose weight and then he ends up offering his to me . My will power is shite.

Not sure what I’m after other than any possible advice or as I say, just some encouragement.

Bleh, sorry that was so long! Thank you to anyone who bothers to read!

God, you poor thing. That sounds exhausting.

I'd start by just dropping the breastfeeding, first at night and then in general. If she wakes in the night she can have a drink of water but that's it. You might also want to think about sleep training. All easier said than done, I know, but better for her and you in the long run.

I wouldn't worry too much about her diet. As long as you are offering her lots of healthy foods it's not the end of the world if her range is very limited - good that she is getting fruit. You may find her appetite increases once she stops having breast milk. (And yours will probably decrease!)

Your partner needs to support you and stop criticising.

Does your DC understand 'All gone'?

That's how I weaned DS2 when he was 2.5. When he asked for it I just said 'there's none left, it's all gone'!

In the short term it didn't make bedtime any easier or reduce night waking, but I did feel a bit more sane.

@whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe thank you for your reply. I think you’re write in that she might be less hungry with all the breastfeeding! And I do want to sleep train her but not sure how to go about it. Do you have any methods to suggest? I appreciate not all methods will work for us but I’m not sure where to start.

@Bogoffrain I think you’ve maybe misread somewhere as I’ve not said that my partner criticises me and he’s pretty helpful and supportive.

@OhTheTastyNuts yes she does understand all gone thankfully my mum suggested this to me this afternoon actually and I thought it was a good idea. It worked for a little bit this evening although she wasn’t pleased with me for it. I did give her a night feed though.

I’ve asked my partner to put her to bed tomorrow night so that will be without milk. And I’ll try and reduce the amount of feeds tomorrow too. Fingers crossed I can make some progress soon! Thanks for the advice x

If you use Instagram follow takingcarababies - she also has a website and blog. I have started using her sleep training program at the recommendation of a friend. Cara is a paediatric nurse, married to a paediatrician, with four children of her own. Sleep training package is a paid product, but if you don’t want to go for that her blog and Insta stories have a ton of tips and advice. So sorry you’re struggling. I’m also feeling a bit down and frustrated with my 10 week old’s evening screaming. Good luck with everything!

I am not an expert but I understand a common sleep training method is to do as follows:

Have your DD in her own room
If she wakes up in the night, leave her a few minutes and see if she self-settles
If she's upset, ie properly crying, go in and comfort her but put her back down as soon as she stops crying. Then leave the room (even if she cries as soon as you do).
Leave it 2 minutes before you go back in (time it).
Then go in, settle her again, leave the room. This time leave it 4 minutes before you go back in.
Repeat but this time 6 minutes, then 8, then 10. Then stick to 10 minute intervals.
Don't offer milk at any point.

From what I hear it takes up to 5 nights of doing this for them to start sleeping through but can actually be much quicker. The key thing will be to get her used to going back to sleep without being breastfed. She needs to break that association with sleep and BFing.

Once you are all getting a good night's sleep I am sure you will feel more up for tackling the food thing - her diet and yours - it's impossible to do that when you are so stressed and sleep deprived, I know from experience!

I’m a new mum myself so I don’t have much advice to give on that front but you need to stop being so harsh on yourself. You are who are you are and if the weight takes a little longer to shift then so be it don’t put yourself under any additional pressure! You sound so down and I really hope you’re okay xx

Thanks for the responses!

I just came on to say that I’ve been trying the method suggested by @whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe and she was hysterical when I opened mumsnet but since I started typing she’s calmed down! She’s teething, I can see a canine about to break through! So I was going to just feed her to sleep tonight, which I did but she then woke when I put her down so I decided to try the method instead and it seems to be working so far!

@Casca87 congratulations on your new baby I hope the evening screaming stops soon! It’s all just a phase hey...

@Heartburn888 I am pretty down but I don’t think I’m depressed so that’s something.. I think I’m just struggling to recognise myself both in the mirror and personality wise. Kinda lost myself a bit with this whole mum thing. I used to go to gymnastics and circus skill classes before I had my daughter and I’d love to get back into that but I’ve moved to a different city and it’s not as easy to get to the classes here, especially when my partner works random hours each week. Once DD is in full time nursery I’ll certainly look into it. I just have to learn to be more patient with myself and my daughter I guess.

Thanks again for the kind and helpful replies. It really means a lot!

Oh, and she’s asleep

How was last night @Omashu ?

I can totally relate to the losing yourself thing. I don't fit any of my pre baby clothes and until Saturday I hadn't had my hair cut for a year ... I just try to be kind to myself like I would be to a friend. It's a tough experience, that's for sure!

@whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe she stayed asleep from 7:20pm till 6:40am!! Not sure if it was a coincidence that she didn’t wake after I tried the method you suggested but I’ll certain give it another go tonight that’s the first time she’s not woken up between 3-5am in months so I was really pleased

And yes I know what you mean about being kind to yourself as you would a friend. I try to think of what I would say to a friend if they felt the way I do, but it’s still hard! It comes in waves though, I don’t always feel really down but some days it really hits me.

That is great!! I hope she keeps it up for you tonight!

You sound like such a lovely person and a great mum!

Parenting is hard work and you are doing a brilliant job.

I am not an expert in any way, but some of your post resonated with me. My two are older now but my daughter was also very keen on breastfeeding at that age, would scream if I tried to distract her or stop her. She was very fussy with food and a very poor sleeper and clingy.

I also gained a lot of weight....

I did wean her and just stayed relaxed about food as much as possible. I did co-sleep as couldn’t cope with leaving her to cry but that’s a personal choice and No doubt sleep training would have worked! So I remained knackered and did end up with depression.

I am fine now and DD, now 7, continues to be a funny combination of anxious and clingy and fiercely brave, confident and funny in so many situations where she feels safe and comfortable. She is not fussy about food now, is a naturally healthy eater and a vegetarian by choice (only one in the family!) but she is not very interested in food.

However, she is a joy, and I get ample sleep.

The point to this ramble is to say that you’re doing a great job and hang on in there; it gets better!

BTW, I am still fat!

@lots33 hey, thank you for your lovely response I did actually try co sleeping as I didn’t like the idea of letting her cry but she didn’t want to do that anymore either (we co slept from 6-12 months) So my last option was feed/rock to sleep for 2+ hours or try something new. Last night she was only crying for 2 mins before she fell asleep which was great!

Your dd sounds like mine in that she’s anxious and clingy yet fiercely brave in many situations.

I think I need to relax about the eating as she loves broccoli, pasta, tomatoes and fruit so there is at least that. Just need to get some protein in her really. Hopefully it’ll improve as she gets older and we can communicate more. We’ve done baby led weaning since 6 months and she used to eat absolutely anything we gave her so it’s just a bit frustrating now!

I’ve decided to just partially wean her for now so that she’s just having 3-4 feeds a day. And I’ve not been letting her feed for as long because it gets to a point where I’m just a dummy to her! (She’s never had an actual dummy)