Feeling left out and so sad :( what should I do

[Tima62]

Hi everyone
I wanted to share this with you as my heart aches so bad and i m so sad :(
My duather is in year one she is lovely but quiet and struggling socially she has struggled with playdates, birthdays and even the playground and soft plays she doesn’t talk that much and if she talk she whisper but she s never been rude or impolite
I feel left out by all Mums
We never get invited to birthday parties and the one we were invited her photo was cut out when they share it on WhatsApp group my daughter was cut out from all the groups photos and then when we recived thank you card even on that one she was cut out I know she was standing in the corner but still she was there
And then again
The Christmas card we recived from one of her friend was totally diffrent from everyone
She accidentally got her friends card in her bag and her friends had sticker inside and love but ours was only from ... to ...
A rubbish cheap card and rest of them was disney Princess card
I don’t understand it
I know my daughter struggle but I feel like a bas person and I’m just questioning myself that what is wrong with me and my daughter
I couldn’t sleep last night and kept crying
I woke up with a bad migraine and feel terrible
I always say hello to everyone have a chat with them and try to be nice I don’t want them to be friend la with me or my daughter
But excluding her like this I think it’s not right
I don’t know what to do I feel so lonely and left out
:(

Oh dear, that's heart breaking. But if your daughter doesn't talk and only whispers, I would think having no friends is less deliberate exclusion and more that no one really knows her.

It sounds like she doesn't have much confidence. Is this just in group or friend situations? What's she like at home? Does she role play social scenes with dolls/small-world toys eg playmobil? Can you start inviting one child at a time over for tea to build familiarity, or does she struggle with play dates too?

If the whispering is symptomatic of a bigger problem, it might be time to see your GP and possibly get a referral to a speech therapist?

Poor little thing.
I think it would help if you could maybe assess yourself how she is in all different situations.
So at home when is she excited, loud etc? Does she get louder when you are doing something she doesn't like?

Did she go to baby groups/ nursery when she was younger, how was she then.

As you say she sounds naturally quiet- the suggestion of medical checks is a good idea just in case there was a problem with her hearing for example and the others are just too loud.

Maybe a group outside of school might help such as swimming or brownies younger version, is it rainbows?!

I was very quiet at her age and often sat alone watching the others play and in the end I think I just started to join in but that was probably year 2.

She is such a happy loud girl inside home and with family and other friends that she knows
On play date we see two friend and she is good with them talk and play
but in class and around other people she struggle. She has changed so much since last year but still needs improvement
This mum that send a different rubbish card totally knows me and my daughter sometime we chat on the play ground we talk
Our daughter used to play toghether last year but not anymore
But it breaks my heart so bad that what have I done to them
I m writing this and crying in my room alone and feels like a bad person I feel like no one likes me or my daughter
I wish I never had kids,And now my daughter suffer because of me :(I struggled a lot with my daughter social anexiety I was under pressure for her being shy not talking that much being quiet
I cried a lot in my bed we were getting help and doing everything to help my daughter
But no one understand that as a mum how it’s already difficult for me

That is really hard. My DS has been very obviously excluded from parties before and it is just awful. Have you spoken to her teacher about whether she is forming any bonds with a child in particular, or if there is a child that might be a good fit for her quiet personality? If so you can then focus on forming one or two reliable friendships for her and that might hopefully pave the way for more inclusion at time goes on. Sending big hugs to you and your daughter.

We were going to playgroup church
Since she was 4 months
She went to nursery at 2.1/2 All these years she gradually started changing and become a litte but more confident but as I said still needs support
She does well at school in math writing and reading and teacher has no concern
But talking loud and interacting with other kids it’s an issue
Teacher says she is very nice and polite at school
But I’m wondering what she has done
She is only a 5 years old she doesn’t deserve to be cut out from a photo or being send a different card
Should I talk to her teacher?

Thank you. So much for you. Support and kind words as I feel awful now
She is got two friends that has the same personality and we had out first play date yesterday
In summer time I asked her mum for play date but she ignored me and all of a sudden she invited us yesterday
Sometimes I feel because I’m from diffrent culture and I’ve got accent that s an issue For them
:(
I feel So lonely
I don’t want everyone to be ours friend
But excluding a little girl from card and photo
It breaks my heart :(

I would definitely talk to her teacher.

I am wondering if she has English as an additional language? Sorry but your post reads as though English isn't your first language.
I only ask as EAL children are sometimes less confident as they are often translating in their heads all the time?
I would be horrified as a teacher ( I am) to find out that a child in my class was being discriminated against purely on the grounds of their language skills or that they are shy, so definitely speak to the teacher.

And I think you are amazing as is your little girl to be able to speak at least 2 languages. ( just seen your update).

That's really tough. I don't have children so sorry if this is a stupid suggestion, but are there and performing arts type groups around? It might help her with confidence and speaking up?

Thank you so much
She talkes English and other language fluently
She sing dance she goes to rainbow (girlguide)swimming, believe me I do everything to help her and build her confidence 😔
I was thinking to talk to her teacher and see if she is good with other kids and if there is anything that I don’t know
Sometimes I think to myself that maybe other mums think I m trying to separate her from her classmate and I don’t want her to go and play with them
In last birthday party I felt so embarrassed when she sat than in the corner and watching everyone I felt they all gonna think I told her not to join rest of the kids 😔😣

It sounds like you're doing loads to try and help her. Speaking to the teacher sounds like a good idea.

She's five though. Just five. At five I was a school refuser, clung on to my mum screaming, none of the other kids played with me. I sat in the corner on my own.

But it got better. And honestly by year six I was an absolute queen bee.

She's five. Try not to worry. Just keep doing stuff to build her confidence and try not to pass your anxieties on to her.

Op, I'm guessing English isn't your first language, so don't know if this is the way you ohrase things, but you need to stop associating you making friends with your child making friends. You do not come as a pair, she can make friends independently of you and you her. You need to understand helping her is not about helping uou make friends.

As said though I'm not sure if this is a language barrier and the way you're phrasing it, or if you really do think it's about you.

As I said I’m not trying to be friend to any of them
But excluding a 5 years old and send in her totally different card is not nice
But how do you feel if your child Get a plain card no note inside just from ...to ...
And everyone had a princess theme with stickers inside and a nice note
When she saw it said mum why she didn’t give me different card not princess
When she saw the birthday thank you note
She said mum I was there standing next to ...but why I’m not in the photo
I tried to explain it to her and not making a fuss
This is not about making friends to mum
What I’m saying is I don’t understand it
Am I thinking too much about it?

How sad for her at this time. It's good though she's happy at home and out of school. The card thing is pretty thoughtless but sometimes happens when someone not in the centre of things.

Have you had a chat to the school about concerns about friendships and so on as often they will have conversations with the class about what a good friend is and how can you help make people feel included etc and keep an eye out for her.

My daughter knew no one when she joined her first school and felt v left out until about year 1 and then things looked up. Rise above the card thing, if you can.

Sounds to me like you've done/ are doing a great job with your daughter so well done.

I'd be inclined to say (after talking to the teacher who I'd hope would buddy her up with someone) sit back and take the pressure off both of you.

Maybe invite 1 friend at a time for tea after school or both parent and child for a drink for an hour (less pressure all round if it's an hour) so 1 on 1 your daughter and them can make friends and in your daughters own environment she may feel more confident.
You could just be honest with other parents and say she's shy but you want to help her make friends.
Some mums can be vile and 2 faced but others may be lovely. Sometimes different cultures are a bit scary as it's the unknown for a lot of British people and sometimes people can't accept/ filter an issue about culture but that's where school should step in to help the kids understand it.

Good luck.

she doesn’t talk that much and if she talk she whisper but she s never been rude or impolite

What are doing to specifically address this?
The things you have listed are just to increase confidence in a general sense, they are not specific to this.

One of mine was similar and had speech assessment for another reason and the speech pathologist gave some strategies to assist this issue. If you don’t have any strategies, go get professional assistance for your child.

Are you a different race / social status to the other mums / kids? This is very similar to the experience one of my friends had in a local village catholic school (she and her dd were the only Indians in the village; and my friend having grown up poor is a bit tight and so does not flaunt her weath). Things only improved for them when the girl’s eight figure earning, high flying, flashy git of a dad returned from the states - then the invitations from the social climbing vipers couldn’t appear fast enough.

I do think you are overthinking the card.
If the child who sent them was sending a lot of cards, then it is pretty normal to be all keen writing the first but that wears off very quickly when a 5 yr old is writing maybe 29 other cards - very normal to be down to a bare minimum of words after the first 3 or 4. Same with the type of cards - you would never get a box with the right number of cards in for the number you want to send that year, so you have 6 left from a pack from last year, then a new box of maybe 12 then 12 of a different sort, and so forth. I think you saying it was a "horrible card" isn't very nice. No-one expects the cards they send to be 'rated'

The photo I don't know about - if you have a whole classful of dc at a party, it isn't the easiest thing to check everyone is there and visible when you try and do a group photo - even with adults at weddings or birthdays or anniversaries - people look at photos afterwards and realise Aunt Berth is missing or Jane or Stan can't be seen on the photo. It really is just what it is - a photo taken that unfortunately you can't see her on. They've not asked her to move out of the shot or photoshopped her out.

As others have said, concentrate on building the friendships she has got, in small groups or just one at a time, and work on building her confidence that way.