Constantly tantruming toddler

[SuperDuperBoysMama]

I am at my lowest point and really looking for some good advice that really works! Please!

I am a mom of an almost 3 year old toddler. He is a wonderful boy, polite, kind, smart, plays really well with other kids, behaves very well in front of other adults. But when he is at home with me and my husband, he is turning into an absolutely crazy, mental, insane monster.

I have seen just a few kids like that in my life. And always thought "what a bad mom that allows her child act like that and can't control him". And now I am that mom (luckily when we are at home most of the time, but there were a few situations in public and the looks I got from strangers... I would never wish to any mother).

The past 2 years have been unbearable for me! I am emotionally drained! To a point where I don't feel physically well, like I might get some bad decease if it carries on like that.

A bit of a background: He just started nursery a week ago. We don't have any relatives to help. My husband works a lot. All our friends have kids of their own so also can't help. We can't afford a nanny to help. So, please, I need some really working solution with my son, not just "take time off and ask for help".

So about my crazy kid. He started having his tantrums at 1 year 3 months. It was like this: falling on the floor, screaming his lungs out, going absolutely insane for 30-50 min straight non stop. And it happened minimum 4 times a day. Could be up to 7-8 times a day. EVERY SINGLE DAY for about a year! Not exaggerating! It could be about anything, even sometimes I couldn't understand reasons. I was crying every day in the shower because that's how frustrated and stressedI was. And I was trying everything. EVERYTHING! Trying to grab his attention to something fun, hugs, kisses, talks, just standing next to him and letting him cry, not paying attention, being strict. Everything. I read so much about it and tried every trick moms advised. Then I realized that it's just a period that needs to go past. His brain is not fully developed, he couldn't control his feelings and emotions yet, he couldn't communicate properly, so it's just a period that he needs to grow out of.
Then I had about 3 months break. And it began again. But only now he understands everything, can talk, knows what is bad and good, knows there are consequences, etc. and he does exactly the same as he did a few months ago. He goes absolutely insane. But now because he doesn't get what he wants. Let's say he wants cartoons all day long. I try to negotiate that he can watch a little bit. But it's not what he wants. And so here it comes. Mental tantrum for 1 hour straight. And I try to distract him, find a different activity, try to talk and explain, give him hugs, kisses, tell him that I love him but watching cartoons for so long is bad for his eyes, then I try to negotiate if he stops screaming, he will get something. Sometimes nothing works so I put him into his room and ask to calm down and then he can come back. I try a loving mama, I try a strict mama, I try to ignore him, I try everything.

But this happens at least 3 times a day and lasts for about 30-40 mins. EVERY DAY!

Also every day (EVERY DAY!!!) when he wakes up in the morning and from his day nap, he is super grumpy, annoying, screams again, he doesn't even know why he screams and what he wants, he just shouts and he doesn't like EVERYTHING. Immediately as soon as he opens his eyes.

When he doesn't go crazy, he is very loving, gentle boy, we hug all the time, he calls me "mommy" always, he loves kissing, he is the sweetest. So I feel like there are two completely different personalities in him, like there is some switch happening in his brain, he turns into a complete monster that ruins my life. I sound horrible and I am crying now writing this.

I can't deal with him any more. I love him so much, I can't find words, but sometimes I just have horrible thoughts about how much I hate him at those moments of craziness, that I wish I didn't have kids at all. It sounds horrible. And never in my life I would think that I could have such thoughts about my own child. I love being a mom, my son was planned and we were so happy to have him and I have so many magical moments with him, but sometimes I just really have dark moments and it scares me! And I feel so ashamed! But I don't know what to do! I am giving up! I am at my lowest point. Please, if anyone experienced the same with their child, tell me what to do!

Many thanks for reading this long post and I appreciate every comment!

That sounds tough, but trying to reason with him at that age is a waste of time.

Keep it simple in some ways. If he behaves well outside the house then that’s great. He needs to get up and get dressed, eat and sleep. The rest of the time if he wants to tantrum I would just ignore it. Offer X, if he kicks off, just sit there and say, I am here for a hug. You might be taking these too personally so he knows that so he’s doing it more and more.
Don’t cajole, don’t negotiate, keep the rules simple. (We have no hitting which includes all forms of physical violence, no throwing and no screaming). That’s it. We have 3 main rules. He’s allowed to be upset and disappointed and cry. He’s not allowed to scream in my face and throw things and hit me.
At this age a routine is also really really helpful. He’s probably well behaved in nursery because there is a routine. When my younger son (who is the same age as yours- he’s 3 in Jan) is bored he can either play creatively or behave horrendously.

In your cartoon example you are negotiating way way way too much. ‘No you can’t watch it sorry. But we can do X.’ is all you need. And then stay in the vicinity but do your chores and ignore the drama. When he’s calmer offer a hug and say, ‘when I say no it’s a no and you never ever ever get anything by shouting.’ He will soon realise it’s boring to tantrum without an audience. And if he’s trying to get you to notice him, just ignore it but say ‘would you like to calm down and have a hug’ every so often. So he knows you will reward the food not the bad.

Kids are grumpy when they wake up from naps. I avoid mine for a good 30 mins. I leave snacks and a book out, make a cup of tea and wait for the grumpiness to pass. As I said, you might be taking this stuff way too personally.

Does he hurt himself or you while he’s having a tantrum?
I ask because if he’s not hurting himself I’d completely ignore it.
I’m sure you’ve tried that - what happens?

You have my sympathy op. Mine has a phase of this and ignoring it brought it to an end within a few months. I was lucky I think.

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They can be a great resource for stuff like this.

I ignore him most of the time. And what he does is follows me everywhere, hangs on my legs, and continues screaming. Then I take him, put him in his room. And then he comes out of it and follows me again. He makes sure I see and hear him. And after 4 hours a day of this after a few weeks it really gets me, I shake, barely control myself. My stress and anger lever is 1000! To a point where I just want to lock him in his room and leave the house. Or leave the kids and my husband and run away and never come back. Though I would never ever do that.

My son doesn't hurt me or himself while tantrum. Though he can start throwing toys, not at somebody, just in the air. Then I put him in his room.

So I’ll say it- he may have other issues going on. Possibly. Who knows. It is very very hard bordering on impossible to tell at this age.
If he’s hanging off your leg and screaming then just sit down, take a book and read. It sounds like he hasn’t learned a coping mechanism when he’s angry and disappointed. When he’s not angry you can teach him some options. And repeat them periodically when the tantrum happens but ultimately he has to make those choices for himself. As long as he never ever ever gets his way with a tantrum he will eventually grow out of it (assuming no further underlying issues). You just have to be kind but strict.

OP you poor thing, I completely feel you. It is SUCH hard work.

We've had a similar stint with DD1 who turns 3 next month and it has been such hard work.
I have posted so many similar threads on here.

It's hard to know what actually works and what is just because they have now moved on to a new stage but my DD1 has now seemingly got through the worst of it.

I now do time out with her, if she is acting badly I will give her 3 chances to stop her behaviour (she almost never does) ill then tel her she needs to go in time out until she's calmed down. I put her in her room with the gate closed. She'll stand at the gate screaming and I'll go back every few minutes and ask her why she's there. She'll normally keep screaming or say she wants a cuddle and I'll just say she can have a cuddle when she tells me why she's in time out. Eventually now she'll tell me and I'll ask her why she shouldn't do xyz then she'll give me a cuddle. This is now working although took me a while to get there.

Her tantrums were horrific, we once had 7 hours of screaming. We've had biting, scratching, hitting the works.

Another thing I think has helped was going to see my gp, because I was at a point a few months ago where I just felt like i wasn't coping with DD1 and DD2 and felt like I was letting them both down. That made a huge difference.

It is bloody tough, you sound like you're doing an amazing job, hope things get better soon and quickly xxx

I do what @redrobin123 does, ds gets 3 chances, no other talking or negotiating just a firm 1,2,3 then a timeout until he calms down, I'll ask him every 3 minutes if he's ready for a cuddle and he'll either say no or eventually yes, then I explain why he had a timeout.
Some advice I got was to pick my battles and relaxing more about the little things made things easier.
My ds is almost 4 and if he can't get his own way he's started being violent now which when we're out I'm struggling with as it's hard to control him without anywhere safe to put him in a timeout, would love some mn advice for this.

@dinosawus have you tried putting a baby gate on his bedroom door? This is what we've done, you can still see them but they can't get out? Xxx

Maybe have a read of The Explosive Child or 1,2,3 Magic, they both helped me work out how to manage with my DD to ensure he didn't tantrum or throw or hit. He once had a 45 minute tantrum on the floor in front of his grandparents which was mortifying but it motivated me to find a way to work with him to solve the difficulties he was having with communication and handling certain things like transitions and frustration. He is a billion times happier now, although the odd relapse does happen and then I re-read the books to ground myself again and remember that consistency and calmness work. Good luck.

@redrobin123 tbh I think he'd be able to climb over a baby gate and it's okay at home I just hold the bedroom door closed until he's calmed down. It's just when we're out and about it's hard to control a hitting, kicking, screaming almost 4yo with limited places to take him to calm down.