Split from father - visits

[babymumbles]

Hi all,

Hoping for a bit of advice. I’ve recently found out I am pregnant and unfortunately the father has decided he wants to get back with his ex girlfriend however wants to be involved with the baby. A few times he has mentioned to me that from 6 months old he wants our baby to stay with him 2/3 times a week or the whole weekend for example. He has his own house currently but being honest the thought of this is really stressing me out at the moment. He lives about a 1 hour 50 drive away from me and I am planning on breast feeding. He’s basically told me if I don’t give him what he wants in terms of the access he will take me to court. Do I have any rights or will a court allow that? So far I’ve said to him for the first year I’ll be off on maternity I’m happy to do the travel down as and when to fit round his work so he can spend time with the baby but the overnight stay appears to be a big thing for him. Just to be clear I want him to be involved as much as possible with the baby but I don’t know how I’ll cope with that at such an early age. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you, Cass.

People far more knowledgeable than me will be along, but from what I’ve gathered (mainly from mn) no judge will allow an exclusively bf baby to be away from their mum for that long at that age.

I’d also be wary about being too helpful travelling to enable access as it may set a precedent that will be difficult to break later.

bumping for you in the hope of more traffic

Let him go to court.

As a newborn, little and often is best for visits - how often is he planning on doing the 1.5h trip to spend an hour with the baby (and you)?

Don't put him on the birth certificate, offer him short frequent visits with you there, and let him push through the courts for overnight.

So hes left you to go back to his ex. Hes the one walking away from having a fully time relationship and access to his child. I'm all for fathers being granted fair and reasonable access rights but he seems like he wants it all on his terms.
Personally I dont think you should agree to being apart from your baby for any length of time for the first year. He should come to you.

You need some legal advice. Please don’t bend over backwards to accommodate this man’s demands. You do not want to set a precedent that you cannot then change down the line, for example when your mat leave ends or the situation changes in some other way. My daughter was extremely, severely car sick from the age of 4 months and would not have tolerated a 1hr 50min car journey, let alone several times a week. Maybe this is unlikely to happen to you, but it’s an example of the way that things can turn out unexpectedly. I never imagined I’d be unable to travel more than 5 mins by car but that was my reality. You don’t want to find that you’re stuck in a very stressful, very unhealthy and inflexible routine, and you absolutely cannot count on this man being reasonable or compassionate. He clearly is neither.

I cannot imagine that any judge is going to order overnight visits for a breastfed infant.

To be honest if it were me (and again - you NEED legal advice before you act on anything that’s said on MN) I would probably offer short visits every other weekend at your home (e.g. a few hours on Saturday and Sunday afternoons) with no overnights. He cannot be taking a breastfed baby away from its mother for significant periods of time. Alternatively, I would consider accommodating short visits at a contact centre. If he was unhappy with those arrangements I would let him take me to court.

Also, I 100% would NOT put him on the birth certificate.

Hi All, Thanks for your replies. I will look into getting legal advice.

@WhatsInAName19 I think you're right. He seems to think he would have no problem getting the access he is asking for if we had to go to court. I thought it would be at about a year before the overnight visits but he said no way or if an overnight visit I would come down to stay. I don't want it to turn nasty and when we speak about the subject it's like I am being really unreasonable and playing a power card. I don't want to have to think about any over night visits with a new born, especially nearly 2 hours away.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitzBernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I think the plan is he wants to spend time with our baby but without me around, I guess in his own family setting, as I imagine he would have moved in with his partner by then.

It's all a bit crazy for me to be honest, 2 days after I found out I was pregnant, he told me he was getting back with his ex so a lot to process. I know a lot of people do it on their own so will be ok.

I had planned on putting him on the birth certificate and our child having his surname, I know it will be down to me but is that a bad idea?

Generally whilst breastfeeding contact is 1-2 hours max, once that ends if he can demonstrate a suitable living environment then he will be granted contact but it will be increased gradually through the toddler stage, unless there's a reason why he is not suitable, the courts could award 50/50

@OP why do you want his name as the baby’s surname? Why not double barrel at least? Why not your name? Don’t just do something just because of an out dated tradition.

The tradition has always been for a kid to have its mothers surname, it just happened that in recent centuries women took their husbands name. Op of corse it’s a terrible idea to make your kid have his surname, look up how much hassle it is to deal with bureaucracy when you and your kid have different names. Look into parental responsibility and what it legally entails. The man has to attend the registrar with you, unmarried couples both have to attend in order for both names to be on the legal document.

Do not put him on bc or you will forever have to ask his permission to make decisions for your dc. Why would you not want to share a name with your i dc?
Even which school you choose he will have to approve.
Ime he walked. He needs to accept he can't possibly screw up your lives even more.
Let a judge decide how he sees his dc.

Re the surname - my main thought was because hopefully in the future I'll marry so would end up having a different surname so doesn't it make sense to have the dads surname? A double barrel surname may be a better alternative I will definitely think about that.

I don't see how 50/50 would work with a 2 hour distance.

@lifeisgoodagain This is making me feel a bit better,thank you. He will have to meet me more half way and if he wants to spend time with his child I will have to accept when he/she is very young I will need to be around some of the time. I guess it's just the next step of trying to get the advice and doing this the right way.

If you marry you can change dc's surname from yours to new dh if you wished. . Ifdc had df's you can't change it without his permission...
And passport wise - you would need permission to travel with different names.
All sorts of issues giving his name. And he is a twat - why saddle your dc with his name?

Always keep your baby's surname the same as yours. Why put their dad's surname in at all?