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Parenting

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Original poster

I am a horrible mum.

12 replies

LittleMango · 05/12/2019 06:08

During the night I hate my newborn (2 months old). He's not even particularly bad but I don't sleep at all. I can't sleep... Knowing the I have to get up again or he will start fussing. I just can't switch off. So I get so angry when he cries. I think about leaving and just disappearing but at the same time I would hate to never see my baby again. My ex partner won't have baby in the spare room for a night because the bed is so low down and he said it's too inconvenient with having to sit up and get baby out of the cot.
My ex-boyfriend and I are not in a good way now so during the day it can be so tense so I don't even get to switch off during the day. If I didn't have a baby with him I would have just completely cut him off (he can be so horrible) but I don't have that option.
From the beginning I never felt like I had a baby just that I've now got one (emergency C-section under GA at 31 weeks due to pre-eclampsia). I'm constantly worried about being a bad mum because of my mum. Now I'm being a horrible mum because I'm so selfish.
I'm not sleeping, I don't care about food at all. I'm running on nothing most of the time.
I love my baby but I'm not a good mother and I can't be a good mother. Every night I'm like I won't get angry when he cried/fusses again, I need to stop because he's just a baby but the next night I get angry when he cries again.
It's overwhelming... Things got better about 2 weeks - month in but then the situation with my ex got 3000 times worse and I feel like it's made me like this. Before that I could sleep when baby sleeps and I wasn't angry when baby cried.
I just don't know what to do. I'm just so fucking horrible and not cut out to be a mum.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 05/12/2019 06:12

You are cut out to be a mum. You are just having a stressful time. Is there anyone supportive at all that could possibly have your baby for a few hours? Just so you can sleep? That might help initially as you sound exhausted. Secondly is it possible you.might have PND? You have been through a lot. If you do have it then the doctors can help. Also talk to your health visitor as that's what they are there for. Sorry you are going through this bit you will get better and feel better.

Finally is there anyway ex partner can leave as having him there isn't helping you anyway it's just upsetting you.

1066vegan · 05/12/2019 06:22

You poor thing. You are not a bad mother. You're just exhausted and overwhelmed. There's a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. On top of the lack of sleep, you had a less than ideal birth and you've split from your baby's dad. No wonder things are hard for you.

You love your baby. Now you need to love yourself. And take care of yourself. Try to snatch bits of sleep whenever you can and force yourself to eat even if you don't feel hungry.

You really need some emotional and practical support in real life. Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Anybody who can come round and give you a break or get some jobs done for you? If you haven't talked to your health visitor then that's a good first step. She'll have met many mums in just this situation. She won't be shocked or judge you.

Good luck 💐

Original poster

LittleMango · 05/12/2019 06:25

@Mumdiva99 thank you for your reply. I don't feel like I am at all. The only person who would is my cousin, she lives 2 hours away but is coming down at the weekend. My dad doesn't understand just says this is what I signed up for.
I don't know. I just feel so stressed, guilty and exhausted. Just feel like a horrible inadequate mum. I am going to try and talk to my health visitor, I'm just embarrassed for people to know I'm not coping.
I wish that he would leave but unfortunately can't because of the tenancy agreement. When I'm getting my new place he is trying to follow me there for a month to save for a deposit which I'm not happy about it but to have the argument is just exhausting.

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Ohnoherewego62 · 05/12/2019 06:27

You're sleep deprived and lack of appetite can be completely normal after giving birth. Took about 6 months to come back (wish my figure reflected the 6 months of eating little 😂)

It's so important that you rest!! As in baby down for a nap then so are you. Try even to lie down just to rest if you are finding it hard to get over.

Do you have much support in real life? Someone to watch little one so you can nap?

Things dont sound great with your ex but try not and focus on that atm keep your reserves for you and little one.

Absolutely second speaking to your health visitor!!! Be so kind to yourself. If you ever feeling yourself to the point of snapping, absolutely put baby down safely and take a couple of minutes to yourself. 💐

2beautifulbabs · 05/12/2019 06:27

Hi Op do you have any good friends or family that can help you? The first few months are so hard and sleep deprivation is the worse bless you clearly you need a chance to get some sleep and have a proper meal the first step is trying to take care of yourself as well as your baby I know easier said than done but if you can get anyone to help out just so you can sleep have something decent to eat you'll feel a bit better.

I would also suggest speaking to your GP or health visitor for some advice and help.

Sadly it doesn't help you have a useless ex unwilling to step up and do his fair share of looking after your DC

Hang in there op it does eventually get a little easier

flippinehh · 05/12/2019 06:32

I can relate to this and think you should talk to your HV. I hated night feeding with both of mine and felt stressed, angry and overwhelmed at night. It was a sign of PND for me. Get support ASAP, it's so common and there's nothing to be ashamed about.

ChachyFace · 05/12/2019 06:39

You are not a horrible mum. You love your child. You are a mum in an intolerable situation.
You need to get your boyfriend out of your home and out of your daily life. Accept he will be no help. Can you beg his family to help him with a deposit- or let him stay with them or his friends for a month while he gets his deposit together. This would be a huge step in removing stress from your life.
You will then be caring for your baby alone, and need any support that is available. Do not think you will be judged , or are a failure, or a horrible mum if you have to ask your health visitor for support. It is the best decision you can make.
Ask anyone else for help-even one hour's respite from your dad every now and then, even if he isn't sympathetic. And take full advantage of your cousin's presence. Baths and naps as much as you can. And yes- you will have to force yourself to eat. Without adequate energy you will spiral further downwards. Make yourself eat something small every hour- a biscuit, a piece of toast. It's not ideal but anything is better than not eating.
This is such a difficult situation and it will get better as your baby sleeps better but I'm sorry to say you've still got some difficult times ahead- please ask for help.

Istical · 05/12/2019 06:40

You have so much on your plate, you are not a bad mum, you are doing much better than many others would under the circumstances. You need to see your GP or HV about how you are feeling.
DO NOT allow your ex to stay at your new home.

missfliss · 05/12/2019 06:48

You are not a horrible mum. You are recovering from major surgery, exhausted, overwhelmed and living with an ex. That is really really really tough.

You definitely must have support. Please speak to the HV and midwife. There are volunteer organisations I believe that can help.

Sipperskipper · 05/12/2019 06:58

You are not a horrible mum - you care and that is why you have posted on her looking for advice.

There is no shame or embarrassment in finding this hard. Having a newborn was the hardest thing I have ever done - and I am lucky enough to have a supportive partner. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety - fine now but needed medication and support to feel better.

Please, please talk to your HV and explain everything. You are in a horrendous situation and need real life support.

Neome · 05/12/2019 07:04

My first reaction to your thread title was to come on and say me too, I'm a horrible mum which I do feel at the moment although I'm actually not BUT like you I am very sleep deprived.

You're in a really tough situation but it will change and you can try to help some of that change along in the direction you want it to go.

For me the toughest thing is admitting I need help and asking people who are able and willing. I can easily find people who can't/won't help or who make things worse. They are the wrong ones, they won't magically become the right ones. You and I need to find the nice helpful, resourceful people who want to see us and our children well and happy. Let's swallow our pride, think positive and go on an angel hunt.

OMG just reread your OP and saw you had C section at 31 weeks, same here pm me if you want. Those first few months were really hard

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 05/12/2019 07:14

One thing I have read is that if you can't sleep at night even when the baby is not disturbing you, that can be a sign of PND, along with some of the other things you say about feeling a bit down this could be the case . You have had a difficult and traumatic time with an unsupportable partner so I really think you need to get some medical help to improve your mental health. Don't worry about asking for help, this is a common worry but the HV and GP are trained to help new mums in this way and their concern will be to help you feel better.

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