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Original poster

am i overreacting to niece/boyfriend age difference???

31 replies

juancarlos · 04/12/2019 17:54

hi all, im just after the general thoughts on family dispute that im in the middle of regarding my niece and her boyfriend. its bit of a long story so here goes.....

my sisters daughter has been dating a guy since she just turned 14 (18 months or so ago)according to the date she changed her relationship status on facebook, so she may have been 13 really and he would have been 18. shes now 15. according to his facebook page he turns 20 this month, although my sister reckons he's 19 this month(he's since changed his security settings to hide his age). my sister not only seems fine with this age difference, but she actually drives my niece the hour or so to his house so she can spend the night there. not only is it my sister ok with the situation, every other single member of my side of the family seems fine with it. he' gets invited to family meals, the lot.

the actual dispute kicked off about a month a go. I have a 9 year old daughter who I've tried to keep away from any event that he was going to be at, as shes at an impressionable age and I don't want her growing up thinking that's ok to date 18 year old guys whens shes 14. for my daughters birthday, she wanted to go out for a family meal, so we asked everyone in my family . my sisters response was " is it ok if gert brings bert?" (not their real names). my sister being quite volatile, I tried to be diplomatic, and just said, "maybe next time, mary doesn't really know him and she just wants to keep it family" . she still spat her dummy out and said we were pathetic and gert was so upset that none of her lot were coming to the meal out of protest.

anyway, we got to the restaurant on the night and only my mum and dad showed up from my side of the family. I was determined not to get draw into the conversation and ruin the night but the pratically the first words out of my mums mouth were " how come bert wasn't allowed to come?" my wife quickly told it wasn't the time or the place and the rest of the meal went off with nothing more that an uncomfortable atmosphere.

I phoned my mum when we got home to explain in so uncertain terms why I didn't want him around my kids, and that I thought he was a perv and that if is was a sexual relationship (as the stories going around her school were reporting) its statutory rape. and the jist of her response was that she "wasnt going to take sides, and that I cant tell my sister that as she would " be upset" " and she didn't think they are sexually active anyway. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she thought I was overreacting. a few weeks pasted and I justkept away from them all til I calmed down. but e saw my mum and dad the other day, and my mum said that its " probably best " if I don't go to the family get-together we usually have down their house on boxing day!!(presumably because bert will be there) and that we should go down the following evening instead.

just to give a few other brief examples of what I've had to deal with the past...

-my sister had a go at my wife being overprotective of my daughter for not letting her play out in the street on her own when she was 3.
-when my niece was 12, my sister fell out with me because I told my niece to stop using the 'F' work in front of my6 year old daughter
-also when she was 12my niece announced she was in a relationship with a 16 year old that she met online that lived at the opposite end of the country. my sister actually let her make the 300 odd mile journey with my uncle and auntie to go and meet him!!( massive fallout from this was the reason why I kept quiet for so long about her current "romance"

didn't mean this to be such an epic post. but just needed to get it off my chest.

am I overreacting to the whole? I feel like the black sheep of the family for not wanting to invite a paedo out for tea

if anyones managed to read the whole of that post any honest opinions on the matter would be appreciated

OP posts:
riotlady · 04/12/2019 18:00

Yanbu to be concerned, as I agree that it is not a healthy age gap and the boy is probably taking advantage. However I don’t think that stomping around calling him a paedo and refusing to invite him to things is going to help matters. Your overreaction in that sense gives them ammunition to dismiss your legitimate concerns.

Original poster
juancarlos · 04/12/2019 18:28

I wouldnt say i stomped around shouting paedo i was paraphrasing a little, i explained that she was too young to cpnsent to and sexual activity therefore any sexusl contact was sexual abuse. And the reason for not invited him was that i dont want my children to think its ok

OP posts:
Original poster
juancarlos · 05/12/2019 16:05

Wow. Thought this would have prompted a few more responses. Maybe i have been overreacting .... or people can't be bothered reading my ramnlings lol

OP posts:

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hodgepodge21 · 05/12/2019 16:26

Just to let you know this is in "parenting" not "aibu"! Might be why you haven't had more responses! Wonder if you can ask MNHQ to get it moved? Smile

Trying93 · 05/12/2019 16:27

I certainly dont think you are overreacting. What planet do the rest of your family live on that this is okay. I think you are doing the right thing keeping your daughter away from this man

TryingToBeBold · 05/12/2019 23:29

Maybe get this moved to AIBU for more advice

MsFuckedOff · 06/12/2019 00:02

I think you're spot on, and I cannot believe anyone would think this was ok! It actually makes me feel sick. What part of keeping your child safe is your sister not understanding? What does she fail to understand about statutory rape? How can she (and all the others) enable this?

If my 14 yo DD said she was even talking online to a guy that age, I can't even think what I'd do, but I know that it would not be continuing.

NotYourHun · 06/12/2019 00:07

This is child sexual exploitation and probably also neglect (on your sister’s part). If I came across this professionally, I would be making a social services referral.

BackforGood · 06/12/2019 00:15

No, you aren't overreacting. I agree with what everyone else has said. I can't understand what her parents are thinking.

Original poster
juancarlos · 06/12/2019 06:38

ah sorry if I've posted this in the wrong forum. new on here and I don't even know what 'aibu' is and as its quite a niche problem I was struggling for another category to put it under lol. i'll try and get it moved if I can figure out how

thanks for all the responses though . I was starting to think the world had gone mad .

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 06/12/2019 06:43

I would be very concerned for my niece too in your shoes.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/12/2019 06:46

You're not wrong (although statutory rape doesn't exist in the UK) but it sounds like your SIL is slack with her boundaries and there isn't much you can do about that. You aren't going to be able to protect your niece sadly.

HollysBush · 06/12/2019 06:54

I agree with you that this relationship needs closely watching and slowing down. No way would I let my 14 year old ds sleep over with his 14 yo girlfriend, let alone with that age difference!
They may actually stay together a long time and be happy (as a friend of mine had a similar gap when he started dating his now wife, they’ve been together for 20 years). But your niece is very vulnerable. Try to keep everything amicable as much as you can within the family, she may need a proper adult she can come to at some point.

Hepsibar · 06/12/2019 07:02

Well done for not giving in to pressure. Your family cannot and will not understand because they have supported/invested in the situation.

Being there for your children and teens doesnt always mean caving into social pressures and what's portrayed in the entertainment world. Being young is over so quickly and if you can protect and support her thru GCSE's and onto College and the world of uni/work and delay serious relationships until she is old enough and certainly legal, so much the better for her.

Also what was an 18 year old doing going out with a 14 or 13 year old. Seems very odd and creepy. Most 18 year olds would not be wanting to hang out or date school children unless they had some sort of mental issue ... ...

Original poster
juancarlos · 06/12/2019 07:02

I guess I've been watching too many American tv shows lol . pretty sure theres a criminal offence in there somewhere though

I kinda had to accept a long time ago that I wasn't going to be able to protect my niece. all I'm trying do is protect my kids and not have them growing up to think thatthis is ok. and im finding it upsetting & infuriating that I'm being painted as the bad guy

OP posts:
juliettebrava · 06/12/2019 07:18

A quick google indicates that this is a statutory rape type offence for which there are local laws in the UK. It also states there is no leeway in the uk for ‘close in age’ relationships e.g where both are 15 etc it would still be statutory rape ( or equivalent) with both parties potentially being prosecuted. It seems to me that UK law would take this situation seriously and as a criminal offence given the ages and the age gap. I would explain this to your sister and to your parents. Seeing the stance they seem to be taking on this matter your daughter is not losing out by not being involved with them.

EugenesAxe · 06/12/2019 07:22

I don’t think YABU. Yes, 5 years is not a big deal if both parties are adults, but they aren’t. Having said that - knowing what some 14year olds can look like (not much different to young adults), and given that men can be less mature than girls, I don’t know if I’d automatically have suspicions about the guys motives. It feels like a vulnerable age that as a parent you’d want to protect, to a degree, but it’s a tricky one - I don’t know how you’d influence without being completely hated by your teen. I’d probably let them date but not let her stay over until she was older.

I wouldn’t let a 3 year old play unsupervised in the street either. That’s nuts IMO.

PixieDustt · 06/12/2019 07:26

No it's wrong. What does a nearly 20 year old man want with a little girl?
I've seen this with one of my neighbours. The girl is now 16 the boyfriend is 21.
They stated dating when she was 14 and he was 19. The mum seems okay with it and he always stays round the house Confused. I do find it odd though and a bit strange.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 07:34

I never really know where I stand on these kinds of relationships because I met my DP when I was 17 and he's a fair bit older. But I was a very mature 17.

So it terms of calling him a perv, without personally getting to know him, I think YABU. She may well have (almost definitely did) lied about her age for a while.

However your sisters judgment is way off on a lot of things and I 100% support you not wanting him around your daughter as you know nothing about him.

I also don't understand why he has to attend every family event. Presumably you or your sister would've been expected to pay for him too?

I'd tell your mother to do one with regards to Xmas. You're being excluded for wanting to protect your niece. Something nobody else in the family seems to have the slightest bit of concern about.

This might sound extreme but if they're not protecting your niece how can you expect them to protect your daughter?

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/12/2019 07:38

Statutory rape includes children 13 and under. Consensual sex with a 14 - under 16 year old is defined as 'sexual activity with a child' and is punished less severely.

TreeSwayer · 06/12/2019 07:38

AIBU is "Am I being Unreasonable" then people either vote with the aid of a button or tell you yes YABU or no YANBU.

MN used to be a relatively small site which then grew so some categories are more active than others. Your particular problem would be either AIBU (which comes under Other Stuff on the main page) or Relationships (which comes under Body and Soul).

I think if it was me and the lack of awareness from the parent about an adult taking an interest in a such a young, impressionable, mould-able child I would notify the school she attends just to heads them up.

There is no statutory rape in the UK, that applies to the US where they deem they cannot consent due to being a minor, but it is creepy. She is below the age of legal consent in the UK which is 16 across the board (no state differences like the US) which is why I would inform the school. Be aware that this may trigger a social services investigation due to the other quite frankly terrifying parental decisions regarding your niece's safety.

I think stating that your 9 year old would think it was okay to date much older people is not an issue. I took my 9 year old son to a family party where a parent handed her 11 year old an alcoholic drink and declared all 11 years old drink 1.5 unit bottles. No they do not. Just because 1 parent allows something does not mean it is right. It didn't have my son (now 16) asking for alcohol at 11.

TreeSwayer · 06/12/2019 07:40

Sorry missed out the bit where I meant to say no statutory for a 14 year old. Teaches is right, 13 and under.

potter5 · 06/12/2019 07:56

You are right. Well done for protecting your own children. Your SIL needs to do the same but doesn't appear to be doing so. Shame on her.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/12/2019 08:08

Statutory rape is an American term.

In the uk sexual activity with a child under 13 is either rape or unlawful sexual contact with a child under 13 (most serious offences)
Unlawful sexual contact with a child 13-15 is also an offence but a different one

gothefcktosleep · 06/12/2019 08:19

I agree with your perspective and I think it’s strange your sister is encouraging the relationship.

I wouldn’t necessarily go about saying paedo, but to your own daughter I would make it clear that the boyfriend’s peers will think it’s a bit odd that he’s dating a child, even if your niece is considered oh so cool by her mates. I remember being in 6th form we have one guy a hard time for dating a 15 yr old. It’s just a bit strange. Age difference becomes less of a thing as you get older but at this age every year makes a big difference. And yes, if they’re sleeping together they’re breaking the law.