I feel like a failure

[Duvetmum]

I hate writing this but I feel like such a failure. Some days I just feel like I’m drowning. My little one (just approaching 6 months) will only sleep attached to the breast so I barely scrape together any sleep and she has now slipped to just three 30 minute naps a day (which are a complete fight to get and always on me). I feel like I’m failing her at a routine (even though I’ve tried) and failing her as I feel stressed and snappy so often. The house is constantly a mess, the laundry is either not done or done and left in piles never to be put away. I manage a shower every few days and still carry all the substantial amount of weight I gained in pregnancy. I’m not sure what I hope to get out of this post but I just suppose I needed to vent and see if I’m the only one feeling like this!

The lack of routine and comforting your child is good for them. But why are you not showering? Take DD into the bathroom with you, will she sit in a bouncer, snug chair or just remove anything dangerous and let her play.

She screams instantly at being put in anything like the bouncer and will only play on her own for a few moments, she wants constant interaction during play

Is your DH around during the evening so that you can shower? It definitely makes you feel better. My DS is 8 months and I'm still regularly only showering every couple of days, mainly because he can now crawl so have nowhere to put him.

Also, it's hard but adjust your expectations with housework. It really doesn't matter. Some babies (most babies!) need attention too often for you to get things done. Just do what you can when you can but looking after you and baby are the most important things.

I don't have much advice about the sleeping other than just try to separate feeding to sleep, I guess. Maybe get DH to try rocking to sleep for naps for a few days so that she gets used to the idea. Will she take a dummy for comfort? However, does feeding to sleep actually not work for you or do you just feel like it shouldn't be the done thing? Because if it works then do what you have to do!

This sounds harsh but you can shower quite quickly. It will not kill her to cry for 5 mins. You may be surprised that she starts to tolerate being put down. Good forboth of you

I think you may need some support in teaching her to fall asleep without you and getting established naps, they solve so many problems

I would look into two things -

Any chance she has silent reflux?
Find a cranial osteopath and get her checked out in case the constant suckling is due to a headache!

It's horrifically hard to have a baby like this so be kind to yourself!

Have you tried a wrap sling, look for a sling library to try some different ones out.

I saw a post on here the other day from someone who said they knew a social worker and the social worker said that she sees actual neglect and leaving your baby to cry for 5 Mins while you do basic essentials such as showering etc is NOT neglect aslong as the baby is safe. Try and give your self a few minutes. My baby is 6 months and I manage to shower every day he will just lay on my bed and play and I can see him from my en-suite so that helps. You’re allowed 5 mins

Just wanted to say, you aren’t alone. I could of written your post too... also having a really hard day today. I’m trying to make changes to get some better sleep and ultimately a bit more me time but it’s so hard. These babies are so stubborn and I think I’m making progress then it all goes wrong again

Sending hugs

For the daytime naps, can you put her in a sling or buggy and then walk round till she drops off? Would give you some hands free time to get things done.

For the nighttime sleep, it would be obviously better for your sanity if you can manage to get her sleeping off you. Can you use something like a bedside crib attached to the side of your bed ... give her the dream feed then really gently roll over and roll her off into it?

As others have said if she cries as you shower that’s ok, as long as she’s safe. Same applies to taking her for walks in the buggy if that gets her off to sleep.

Will she take a dummy?

He who says he can and he who says he can't are both normally right.

Just because you fail doesn't make you a failure

Of course your laundry isn't done and your house is a mess ... completely normal. Of course your baby adores you. Of course you need a shower, time to go to the loo etc, put the rubbish out. Agree with those who said pop baby in seat in shower room whilst you have a shower or in a playpen or cot. This doesnt mean you are being mean to your baby ... in fact by being kind to yourself you are making sure you are keeping healthy physically and mentally which will be much better for all. Lots of love xxx

Thank you all for your comments. I have tried most of the things suggested re sleeping....but every time I feel like I’ve taken a small step forward it all changes and feels like a giant leap back. Your comments are really reassuring though. I suppose I really need to just try and take a step back and focus on the fact I have a beautiful happy (mostly!) baby who gives me the biggest grins that make me melt and everything else I need to try and learn to be okay with not being able to do everything and not being in control of everything.....as a very organised person (not quite control freak but not a million miles off) I always knew I’d have to adjust but I had no idea how hard it would be!

I agree with what everyone says about not being too hard on yourself.

Try using the huckleberry app to get into a routine. You put in how many sleeps a day you want the baby to have then it tells you the best time to do nap time. It def helped me sort out naps. Whenever naps are getting tricky I have a week where we don’t do very much and solidly focus on napping at the right times and that helps

I just wanted to comment here because I felt the same as you with my first baby (now 2 years old). She never slept during the day of at night unless I drove round for hours (which I did end up doing most days) and I found it nearly impossible to get myself showered and sorted every day for fear of her crying. I also got PND as a result. The one thing I learned is that some babies just don’t sleep well and that’s not your fault. My daughter still isn’t a great sleeper, and she won’t sleep unless myself or my husband stay by her cot until she falls asleep and that’s the way it’s always been. I now also have a 14 week old daughter who is also not a great sleeper but this time I have I am not blaming myself. It isn’t neglect to let a baby cry for 5/10 mins while you get things done, as long as they are safe and comfortable. I take my daughter into the bathroom with me in her swing chair and give her a rattle, sometimes she cries and sometimes she doesn’t but I know she’s ok and not in pain so it’s ok. Your mental health and well-being are really important so you need to balance up your needs with your babies need for instant attention and take 5 minutes for yourself to have shower each day. Could you put baby in the pram and go for a walk each day? That way you get exercise and some fresh air and the baby may nap if you’re lucky? Can you do one house chore a day and take baby with you either in a sling or sat in a swing chair and chat to them as you do it? If they have a little grizzle never mind.

I think it’s about survival when you’re a first time mum with a newborn and it seems as though you’re doing a great job, you’re both still alive :)

Stay strong, things will get better in a short space of time and the great thing about babies is that no two days are the same, there is always the chance that tomorrow will be a better day xxx

I agree with PP that it’s survival ! I am a FTM to a 4.5 month old and it’s been rough. My little one couldn’t be put down at all for the first 2.5 months because of silent reflux. Now he can be put down but demands constant attention so if I go to the toilet or shower etc I know he will be screaming blue murder while I do so.

Do whatever works for you. So I make my husband get up with me at half 6 so I can have breakfast and use the toilet before he leaves for work. Then in the evening I can bath or shower. Some days I don’t manage that as I often do bed time.

My little one is FF so I’m not so sure about introducing a routine with a BF baby but I’ve actually forced myself to stay at home to try and nail down naps. Some of those naps are on me but I’m trying to get him used to sleeping at certain times.

I’m still rocking my baby to sleep though and can take a few hours to get him to sleep at night. So I sympathise !

Just remember - it’s survival mode and try to make time for yourself. PPs are right - it won’t hurt them to cry for a few minutes while we shower, it’s a bigger issue for us than them as I know it’s upsetting and your instant reaction is to want to stop it.

You are doing a great job, it will get easier xx

I could have written this 3.5 years ago. My daughter was bonkers (so different to her big brother). At 6 months all her naps were on me, bedtime didn’t happen. She cried ALL the time.
She’s 4, sat next to me and has slept all night I’m her bed. It does get easier but bloody hell it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it!