3 year old always saying he doesn't love me

[OneForTheRoadThen]

I feel a bit silly writing this but it's really getting me down. My 3.5 year old son regularly tells me he doesn't love me. He's not angry or upset when he tells me, it's not in relation to when I've told him off, or done something he's unhappy with or in response to me asking him or anything. He just calmly tells me that he loves his dad and sister but not me. It's been going on for months and happens several times a week.

I've had crippling post natal depression since the birth of his sister 18 months ago and this is really getting me down. I'm under psychiatric care and my psychiatrist has been trying to find a medication that works but despite trying 7 so far we haven't found one that makes any dent in how I'm feeling.

He just announced to us all again that he didn't love me and I just said I'm going upstairs where I just burst into tears.

I know I'm supposed to take this all in my stride and say 'well I still love you' or something but I just don't have the mental strength at the moment. I don't understand why he keeps saying this to me, is it possible for a child that age to just dislike their mum? I'd really appreciate any advice on what to do.

That sounds really tough OP and I'm sure your son does love you. I dont really have any advice just that 3 year olds don't really understand what "love" means. They dont have the vocabulary to describe complex emotions beyond happy, sad, angry etc. That's why he says it so nonchalantly, because he doesn't really know what he is saying.

My daughter used to say this to me when she was younger. She was a 'daddy's girl' and frequently told me she loved him but not me. I tried not to let it upset me but it did sting. She's now 13 and confides in me much more than her dad. She can't remember ever saying that to me, doesn't know why she said it and admits that of course she has always loved me. Try not to take it too personally, I'm sure it will pass in time.

I suspect he knows this causes a reaction so he's doing it as an attention thing - like a lot of boundary testing 3 year olds do.
Having said that it's not ok and he needs to stop saying hurtful things.

What does his daddy say when he comes out with this? I know my dh would tell ds off and announce how much mummy is loved by him and everyone else. Honestly we went through a funny phase with ds when he was 2 ish and kept saying he only wanted dh, and dh had to be quite firm with him but also kept saying lots of positive things about me to ds. eg "aren't we lucky to have such a lovely mummy who is so kind? We all love her so much"

My little boy does his. He says 'I love mummy not daddy' then when I say can't you love both he says no. He doesn't understand yet what love is or the fact he can love everyone. He's equally as affectionate. Emotions are just a hard concept to process

My oldest child used to say this to me when I was in the grips of pnd. It was soul crushing at the time. I think it was his way of dealing with me not doing well. He knew something was going on. This was his only way of expressing it.

Some years later, he is very affectionate and tells me he loves me often. We talk openly with him now (5yrs) about when mummy wasn’t well. He knows it wasn’t his fault and he knows he is inherently lovable.

Look with compassion and kindness on yourself. He sees you as his beloved mummy. Nothing can change that, even being profoundly unwell. Life is long and there will be time to heal anything that is hurting.

My child is 4.5 and I get the I'm not your best friend, I don't love you now, stop talking to me. Not always but sometimes. It's not silly that it upsets you. Kids can sometimes be really upsetting and selfish. They are constantly testing the boundries at this age. My DD is nearly 5 and I wonder when she will become calmer and more reasonable. She can be lovely but she can be frustrating too.

Id just say things like mummy wants to hear your kind words. Mummy won't listen to you when you say unkind things. Mummy wants you to say sorry.

I know it's hard but believe that he loves you. They don't know what they are saying at this age. They probably don't know what love you means. They just know it's something we say. When he's older he will grasp the meaning more. X

@OneForTheRoadThen Any update on this? Any improvement? Currently in the grips of it with my 3.5 year old, and it's a bitch. 'I don't love you', rattles off a list of all the people he does love. It's pretty demoralising, to be honest. So I'm very much hoping your situation has improved a lot and you might have some advice for me...?

I honestly see this a bit differently. Only a child who is secure in their parents' love can say 'i don't love you' without fear that their parents will abandon them etc. My 3 yo dd says it sometimes when she doesn't get what she wants. I hear it as 'I'm annoyed with you'.

Whenever I’ve had this (my son is now 10) I’ve always said “ah that’s a shame because mummy really loves you”! Always thought it was looking for a reaction 🤷‍♂️ Whether good or bad