Ladies with husbands/partners who didn't want a baby.

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I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby. My husband and I are both 30 and have been married for just over a year. He has always said he never wanted kids and I was the same until 2 years ago when my mind just switched and that's all I could think about was having a baby.

I found out I was pregnant a week ago because of the pill failing and it's been a tough week. Husband obviously not happy and wanted an abortion (which I completely understand), but after a long talk yesterday, we've decided to go through with the pregnancy and he seems to be fairly happy about it though scared. His concerns were loss of freedom, lack of sleep, no time to himself/us, scared he's too impatient for a baby, scared of not loving them, scared he will be a bad dad, he's also never been brought up or has been around babies or kids so his perception of kids is from the outside. Kids having tantrums in shops, babies crying in public, everything you see in movies, all the bad bits about parenting etc.

Basically my question is, how did your reluctant OH's react or deal with being a dad when your baby arrived?

In our case it was me, so slightly different. It's been hard but I had a second one.

What was his childhood like? Some of his concerns make it sound like possibly it wasn't great. Might be worth talking about that before baby arrives. Mine was awful and was one of the reasons I didn't want kids.

He had a good childhood and talks of it fondly. The only thing that sticks out is that his dad was quite strict as he was in the army and I believe had some anger issues.

But different but DH and I had a year where we were kind of make or break due to me wanting kids and him not. It was very sad as we loved one another and no one was wrong. In the end I concluded I couldn’t end the relationship over it, and that I could wait to see what developed. I was 33 and planned that I had a bit of time to foster or adopt if nothing changed. Anyway, he did change his mind but was worried about life changing in a similar way. He adapted far better to having a baby than me, I think because he was less attached to the idea and idealised about how it would be. He was far more realistic and for him it wasn’t as difficult as he had envisaged, but for me it was shockingly hard as I thought I knew what I was doing.

He sounds like he’s being honest with himself and you about his fears - that’s great. Everything he’s worried about is normal, but honestly 9 months is a good length of time to mentally and practically prepare. I’m sure you’ll both make wonderful parents.

He had a good childhood and talks of it fondly. The only thing that sticks out is that his dad was quite strict as he was in the army and I believe had some anger issues.

That ties in exactly with what you say he's afraid of. My dad was military too, distant and prone to yelling at me I was one of his minions. I wouldn't rule out it's fear of being his father which is the issue. Fear of being my mum was a huge factor in my desire not to have children and I would have listed pretty much those same things.

My OH didn't want children. He was 40 when I got pregnant (unplanned). He has been a great father to our two children but really crap at the baby stage tbh.

My DH never reached children. Always was childishly 'grossed out' by them.

Wasn't very good throughout pregnancy. But once the baby was born, he changed and has become a great dad

I felt exactly the same way!

DS has been a wonderful surprise. He has made my life so much better. Harder, and more tiring, but better.

For example, at weekends I used to sleep for hours in the morning and get up at maybe 11 or 12. Now I’m woken at 5:30 (‘It’s morning time, mummy! The sun is back!’), we go through to the living room, watch Peppa Pig under a blanket, then make pancakes and have a ‘pancake picnic’ on the floor. It’s the highlight of my week.

Congratulations OP, it’s lovely news

My DH was terrified - so was I to be fair after a very difficult childhood of my own. The nerves never really disappeared but rather my DH’s excitement grew bit by bit until it overtook the fears (if that makes sense?) even when we got to our first scan and found out we were having twins! he took that revelation way better than I did. I’ll be honest he was pretty crap when they were tiny babies because he had no idea what to do for them (but tried his damndest) now he’s great with them 😊

He had an extremely short temper before having the twins, not into aggressive territory or anything nasty, just a bit impatient/snappy when under pressure, but he’s been very controlled and when he knows the pressure is building towards his temper flaring, he will step back from the situation, take a few deep breaths and then come back in

When I fell pregnant my husband wanted me to terminate as he said he didn't want kids. He even booked me an appointment at a clinic. I was devastated at his reaction as it was so unexpected. He did come round eventually but he's never been massively hands on and I do feel like he would rather be child free sometimes. I did all the night feeds and the bulk of the child care. He does love his sons (yes, he actually agreed to have another!) and they love him. He's very patient with them, probably more so than me!

As a previous poster mentioned, my husband was terrible at the baby stage, he's definitely got better as the kids got older.

It's not about us OP. It's about up two talking and maybe doing your research together to resentment-proof your marriage as this unplanned pregnancy is a potential threat to your couple.

Don't just have a hope for the best approach. Become a team and work on things now so that you can hopefully enjoy parenthood together.