4 yo telling lies - any advice on how to deal with it?

[pancakes22]

Hello, my dd has started telling lies and i am hoping for any advice on how to address it. I hate that I'm starting not to trust her and really want to establish that lying is just not acceptable.

Examples include - she had a tummy ache a few weeks ago and we said that she didn't have to finish her dinner... now if she doesn't fancy eating the rest of her meal she just says oh I have a tummy ache. We know she's lying because then she wants pudding and she has admitted she has just said it to get out of dinner. She will tell us she has had bad dreams (even when we know she hasn't gone back to sleep) in an attempt to get back into her bed. She tells us that no one has played with her at nursery or that someone may have pushed her but then when we speak to nursery they say nothing has happened.

We have tried explaining the importance of not lying about how we are feeling because if her tummy was hurting then I would need to take her to the doctor and how important it is to not waste doctors time. Similarly we have talked through about not getting others in trouble etc. We have tried punishments like no pudding or taking away iPad. We have tried reading stories like the boy cried wolf etc. We have explained over and over that trust is most important thing in the family and that she wouldn't get in trouble for telling the truth.

I'm getting to the stage where I don't believe what she's saying and I'm worried that one day she will be ill or someone will have upset her and I won't be her advocate because I won't believe her and that makes me sad. I don't believe she is doing anything maliciously, I think she's doing it for attention/sympathy and because she has a strong imagination.

Any tips how to deal with this? X

No advice but hoping someone will be along with some as i'm currently experiencing this with DSD! It's so hard to distinguish between the truth and a lie at the moment

It's not really telling lies and is completely normal. She's figuring out what works and what doesn't. You don't have to 'deal' with anything. She's 4,give her a break

She tells us that no one has played with her at nursery or that someone may have pushed her but then when we speak to nursery they say nothing has happened

Might well have happened,the nursery staff aren't watching every second of the day.

"It's not really telling lies and is completely normal"

This. Totally normal, important stage of development. She's just working things out. Keep explaining that lying is wrong, she'll get it as she gets older, but I wouldn't punish at this age, just guide.

Agree with the previous poster. The examples you gave are not telling lies as such. Perfectly normal for a 4 year old. Mine does those examples all the time and I don't think he's telling lies. She might not yet understand the concept of lies in the same way we do as adults.
Nursery staff don't see every interaction so that may have happened or she might have seen something happen between 2 other children.
She might be visualising scary things when she closes her eyes in bed, so whilst she hadn't fallen back asleep, she still thinks she's having a nightmare. The tummy ache thing is just a classic way of avoiding finishing dinner.

Yes I agree too. This is a normal stage for her age when she's trying to get out of doing things. Save your explanations on trust for serious lies, and treat these ones by ignoring them or making it into a bit of a joke.

I used to tell mine that if she poked out her tongue I would know from her tongue if she was telling the truth. If it was a lie she would inevitably start laughing or not be able to keep a straight face. Worth a try?!

Children learn to lie for convenience. They can only do so if they have developed imagination. Its part of normal development. She will gradually learn the social rules about truthfulness. If you are certain it is a lie then simply dont reward her by giving her what she is up to. There are lies and lies. These are no big deal

"I used to tell mine that if she poked out her tongue I would know from her tongue if she was telling the truth"

I used to tell mine that their eyes went green when they told a lie. Obviously they'd then close their eyes when telling porkies 😂

Agree with pp not really lies just trying to see what she can get away with.
I might try the tummy ache one so I don’t have to eat my dinner but still get pudding.
In fact there’s a school of thought ( from years ago ) that this is a sign of intelligence.

Thank you everyone. I know it's not big lies but I suppose I'm just worried that if she tells little ones now then it may escalate when she's older? But I get what you are saying that it's normal stages of development. I suppose I just panic that I'm going to miss a learning opportunity about trust and lies and I really want her to know how important it is to always tell the truth

As a bit of extra context, we have a 4 month old baby too so I think I'm just over analysing everything she's doing and worrying the baby is the cause of every change in behaviour!

OP Just stick to your guns. If she says she has stomach ache she doesn't have pudding. If she says she's been bullied/excluded say you're checking with the school (which is worth doing anyway). I like the idea of the tongue/eye "test" ... the latter only if your DD doesn't have green eyes! She'll get there eventually and it may just be a bid for your attention and sympathy if you have a 4mo and she's going to nursery. If it goes on longer I would certainly try an ed psych.

DS often came home and said nobody would play with him at school when he was that age. What he meant was nobody would play the game he wanted to play on that particular day. It took him a while to articulate the distinction.

OP I'm in a similar situation with a just turned 6 year old and a 5 month old.
He goes to bed at 8 o clock, one evening he came down twice before 8.30, in the half an hour he said he'd fallen asleep twice and had 2 nightmares.
I've been really mean and told him I hope he's not lying because Santa will know if he's telling lies and he stopped then.

My 4 year old is exactly the same. Incredible imagination. I dropped her off at breakfast club a little late when I was pregnant and I apologised and said it was morning sickness and I got "Oh so you are pregnant, she did tell us but she does tend to elaborate somewhat!" Also conned her Grandad out of £1 last week telling him a tooth had fallen out!! It's definitely a stage, just pushing their luck!

If there's a new baby in the house she's probably looking for extra love and assurance.

My 3 year old has accidentally hurt himself before and then will come out with things like ‘mummy hit me’ or ‘daddy hit me’! I’m not sure if it’s an attention seeking thing or if he genuinely gets a bit confused sometimes. I’m just going with it for now and not making a big deal of it as I don’t think he means any harm by it. We have no extra baby so could just be a coincidence in your case.