What do I do about my lazy 12 year old son? Often defiant and rude at school

[50srefusenik]

After yet another meeting with his form teacher and learning support, I am reaching out to the glorious sisterhood. DS in year 8. A bit above average academically but staggeringly lazy. Numerous reports of rude, disrespectful behaviour at school towards teachers. No particular social problems with peers. Possibly slightly dyspraxic - being tested as handwriting terrible. Academic, hard working older sister in year 11. His father and I divorced. I think he is struggling with self-esteem and performance anxiety and want to help him through it. Detentions and sanctions are not working. Would be most grateful for insights to suggestions.

My Ds aged 12 is also like this, doing the minimums he can get away with. He is not rude to staff but he is at home. My son has a dx of High functioning autism though , could there be an underlying issue that has not been identified? What was he like at primary school?
My son certainly responds better to carrot than stick, he is motivated by extra pocket money for doing well. Sanctions don't work as he has had after school detentions and it hasn't worked. He said he would rather be caned like in the olden days as it is over with instead of wasting two hours of his precious time !

I asked about SEN, ASD, dyslexia, dyscalculia etc. Not on the spectrum and I would have spotted it as my nephew has ASD.
At primary school he was stubborn and resistant to applying himself as he is now. Carrot always better as you say but stick difficult to apply without creating even more anger and resentment. School being supportive but the sanction that would really hurt would be stopping PE and fixtures as sport is his thing. Good thing that corporal punishment a thing of the past. It teaches children that violence is a way to resolve problems and it doesn't work!

You need to have a chat with him about how he thinks he’s doing in school, what the feedback is and how he thinks he can do better.
Talk about his future and where he sees himself. What are his favourite subjects and what work would he like to do?
Validate his feelings. Tell him and you know things are hard for him. It’s painful for him. But his future doesn’t have to be hard.

Give some autonomy. Let him come up with some ideas and strategies. Let him know that actually he has more control of his future than he thinks.
Let him know that You nagging him to his homework isn’t for you. You’ve done your GCSEs and whether he does it or not doesn’t actually affect you. His homework is for him and will only affect him in the long run.

This approach works with my dcs. I do have to still keep reminding them though.

Thanks Beechview for this advice. You sound very measured and calm about it all, which is not how I feel much of the time.

If it helps you stay calm, while of course you'd like him to do well I have worked with people who often haven't got on very well at school but can flourish in other environments eg apprenticeships and vocational courses. I think the classroom just doesn't suit some students and there are alternative routes to many careers. Equally I know people who were straight A students but have then struggled with employment in the real world for lots of reasons. Probably not what you want to say to him but it might help you keep a good perspective on it! I went to a really academically focused school and I wasn't really aware of other career routes than traditional GCSE/A level/uni. Def a good idea to aim to get C in maths and English GCSE though - I had to dig the certificates for those out a few years ago despite having more advanced qualifications. My kids are only little though so I haven't done that bit as a parent yet. Good luck!

I think my sons school might have a system where a teacher has to write about the childs behaviour in a diary at the end of each lesson. Could you see if the shcool can offer this and talk to your son about incentives for good behaviour?

My son can be lazy when it comes to school work and my eldest child flourished after leaving school so I'm not too worried about that but I certainly would not accept my son being rude or disrespectful to staff at school.

Is his older sister polite at school? If so, did they have different early childhood experiences or do you think he was just born with a different personality? Good idea to investigate his handwriting struggles. Do you know what's getting him wound up at school?