Daughter acts like she is scared of step dad

[Sagapo2411]

My DD is 5 and has had a rough start, me and her dad split when she was two because he was physically abusive towards me, I should have left quicker and will always feel guilty about that. We went through social services and they offered support.

My daughter is now 5 and has always got on very well with my partner, they used to be thick as thieves but recently she has started acting like she is scared of him. All he has to do is talk to her and she will scream and cry. She is distant from him, then an hour later she wants to play with him and is laughing and joking. I have watched this happen and its happening more, I've never seen him hurt her or shout at her It can judt start from him asking what she would like for breakfast.

I have spoken to her a few times now and asked her how she is feeling, told her that she is safe and can tell me anything and it will be OK. I've asked her if she likes her step dad living with us and she always says yes and smiles. During these conversations DD always talks highly of her step dad. I have reminded her that she comes first and no matter what she ever tells me she won't be in trubble and she is OK but she says she is fine.

I dont know if they are old feelings/memories starting to come up from the past or its something else. My other half is so gentle and kind but I don't want any risk she is in a bad situation. If she was genuinely scared of him I don't know if she would ask to play and laugh and joke with him the rest of the time.

It's starting to upset her step dad (although he tries to act OK) but most importantly I don't like her getting so upset. I don't know what to do.

I will add me and her step dad have now been together nearly 3 years and have a son which DD adores.

Interesting that you say they were ‘thick as thieves’ a little odd to happen so fast. Sounds like you moved on very quickly from the split, moved a man in and have had a baby and she is now 5. Are you sure she has always liked him? Does he look after her by himself? He may be lovely in front of you but different when your not there. It may be that now your DS has arrived things have changed too. To be honest it’s very difficult to understand what is going on but be careful about asking closed questions with yes and no answers,

Could someone else talk to her? Maybe a grandmother or auntie?

Someone who she feels safe with and could open up to?

Just in case there's something she's scared to tell you.

It was a year after I split with her Dad that me and my other half began dating and another year until he moved in. My DS is 5 weeks old now and we all adore him but came along earlier than I would have planned so am aware it was a little quick. Before my other half moved in I asked DD how she would feel about it and she asked if he would live with us before her birthday (which was a couple of months earlier than me and my partner had spoken about). I can be as sure as anyone can be that she liked/likes him. She would ask him to play, if he was going out sometimes she would ask if she could go (which she still does sometimes in with the behaviour she is starting to show)

Of course occasionally he is alone with her but I don't go out much and am home with them 99% of the time.

I have been looking into child counselling to see if that might be an option for someone for her to talk to that's not too close to the situation. I hadn't thought to ask a family member but you're right she may feel more comfortable with them and open up!

Sounds like it may be more related to your new baby. Maybe your DP is showing a lot of attention to his DS and she is feeling vulnerable and therefore responding the way she is at the moment. 5 yr olds can find it difficult to express themselves, when my DH was in hospital my 5yr old started wetting they bed and then would take to drawing, there were lots of pictures of daddy in hospital so he was just worried.

My GS is a little older but if, at 5, he had started to scream and cry if my DD's partner talked to her, I'm pretty sure my daughter would have asked the partner to leave for a period of time. This isn't normal behaviour for a 5 year old who would usually have developed good verbal skills.