Rush of love or not

[Narlat]

Hi all. So quick catch up. I went to 42 weeks with my little girl. I had attended hypnobirthing classes and was adamant that I would have the perfect water birth and butterflies would dance around me as I held my child....
I was induced at 42 weeks, not allowed a water birth, had 3mg of the gel and went from 0cm to 4cm in 4 hours.
Taken to delivery suite and then went from 4cm to 8cm in 90 mins.
Epidural went wrong and I had a durma punture, epidural worked on the 3rd attempt.
Had to push out dd with no contractions due to epidural and had 4 stitches.
I was in hospital 4 nights and has to have a blood patch 1 night of which dd was not with me.
That was 6 weeks ago. I love her but i dont feel that I would kill anyone do anything for her kind of love!
I was expecting the rush of love that your told about but nothing.
Anyone else NOT have this.
I'm worried I wont love love my daughter or feel the way people tell you you'll feel.
I love her and would not change her for the world, but if I could turn her off and put her in the box for while I would.
Just being a mum is not what I expected AT ALL!!

I'm sorry you had such a tough time. Be gentle with yourself.
I didn't get the immediate rush of love with either of my children, but now they're 4 and 7.5mths I adore them beyond measure. Initially, I just felt responsibility and a need to sleep.

Not feeling that rush of love is perfectly normal. My mum warned me about it whilst I was pregnant with my DTs, (she’d experienced it with me), and it took me 12 weeks to even feel like their Mum, and that insane rush of love came when they were 8 months old and I’d started ads for pnd. Before then, I knew I loved them dearly, I just couldn’t feel it if that makes sense.

Where you’ve had a traumatic birth, it could help you to have a birth debrief and discuss it with the hospital maybe?

You’ll get hit with the massive rush of love in time I’m sure, but you’re not alone in not instantly feeling it. Enjoy your newborn snuggles, it goes too quickly!

Ended up having an emcs so didnt get the help of the hormone let down. I knew ds was this perfect tiny thing i wanted to keep safe but I didnt get the rush. In fact I spent a fair amount of his first few weeks asking myself, my family and my husband "do I love him enough?". Theres a picture of me holding him at 3 weeks that everyone comments on saying how lovely it is the way I'm looking at him as I cradle him. I hate that picture. Because I know that what I'm actually thinking is "am i good enough for you? Am I happy enough to have you? Am I what you deserve?" And I'm shocked that other people cant see it in my face.

I think in the early days, even though you have the baby in front of you, they still seem like a concept rather than an actual human being. One day (if I'm honest probably not long after we introduced formula as mastitis on top of a bereavement certainly wasnt helping) I suddenly realised that he was a little person and he was MY little person and I can't describe the love I have for him now at 16 months. He is my all.

Saying that, you have had a very traumatic experience and are probably in shock still. have you got support around you and have you spoken to your health visitor or gp about how you feel? As I demonstrated above, how you're feeling isnt abnormal, but there can be a fine line between a normal shock response and early post natal depression. Be kind to yourself.

Poor you, you're knackered and recovering from major medical events as well as caring for a 24 hr a day dependent. It's hardly surprising that you're not feeling totally dreamy!

I had the waterbirth you may have hoped for and didn't even have to go to hospital, but it was still a long labour and I had SPD and other complications and I was SO TIRED. I absolutely didn't feel that rush of love for dd1. I thought she was nice and sweet looking but I felt no real affection for her for weeks.

But it came, and a decade on I explode with love and pride whenever I even think of her. I can't put my finger on when it changed but I look back on photos of her first year and can see without doubt she was adored.

Be kind to yourself.

Yes but i can assure you that it comes!

“I love her and would not change her for the world,”

That’s perfect. I think the rush of love thing is overrated especially if you’ve had a traumatic birth to deal with. I didn’t feel any rush of love (was in shock tbh) but definately had a slow trickle of love as I recovered and we gradully bonded.

I didn't with my first, I was so traumatised by what had happened. But as a new mum I just got on with it. I watched her grow and I had to learn to love her and grow into a mum. After a couple of months I was mad in love and still am. Hang in there you've got this. Take everyday as it comes x

I loved my son and enjoyed him as a newborn, but I didn't get the great big rush at the start either. It took a few months for a strong bond to be there so don't worry OP

It didn’t happen to me at all. I suffered from PND and I distinctly recall absolutely hating DS when he was six weeks old and having this horrible urge to hurt him. It was months before I felt that I loved him more than life itself.

That is a really tough birth, I'm sorry.

I've got three children (youngest is three days old!) and only had the 'rush of love' thing with the middle one. It's still early days with the new baby so I'll not comment on her, but for sure I don't love my middle child any more than my oldest one, it just came quicker! I think it's quite normal actually, you have to get to know each other sometimes and the love grows with time.

I didn’t have the rush of love, I was in total shock after a fast unmedicated birth (not my plan at all) with some scares along the way. I was traumatised by the delivery, struggled with feeding and developed PND. I did love her and did what I needed to do for her but it wasn’t the overwhelming feeling people describe. That happened when I was going round Tesco’s with her at about 4 months, after 10 weeks of antidepressants, a debrief with the consultant and some sessions with an excellent therapist. Now I understand the “do anything for her” feeling!

I didn't either. My first birth was a shock situation and a bit scary and so I think that affects things. I distinctly remember the 'rush' (it was a small rush) coming at around 5 or 6 weeks only. And it just built slowly from there. Babies are strangers, even to their mums, until we get to know them and that easily takes months. And I am OBSESSED with my two now and would have five more if I could!

I remember being amazed by all our babies when they were born, amazed at their perfect little fingers and lips, and being desperate to keep them safe but no no no to the rush of love. Like so many PPs, I don't know when it hit but now I love the bones of them.
I so wish I had asked on mumsnet when I had my first, I felt like I had failed some how, but when it happened with all three I just thought it was just me. Now I see I am not alone. And nor are you OP

I had a traumatic birth with my daughter, she was taken away for oxygen as soon as she was born, I then had a retained placenta which after four hours of induced contractions still wouldn't pass and needed surgery. In all this time I had not been able to hold my baby. My husband put her first nappy on, dressed her, fed her a bottle. I was really worried that I hadn't bonded with her and that she wouldn't love me. For days I was too scared to hold her. I would say that rush of love feeling came on about three weeks later when I got used to my routine and started thinking of myself as her mum. Now I can't imagine my life without her, she really is my world.

I think people who get the "rush of love" go on about it more than the people who don't.
I remember feeling horribly guilty with ds1 because I didn't get it immediately. He looked completely different from his scan picture(!) and not how I expected so I felt I had been given a different baby. Possibly the C-section didn't help as I didn't see him come out. I also felt that I didn't know what I was doing and that everyone else did, was worried about something an Obstetrician had said late in the pregnancy about potential special needs and had an unsupportive H. The love did come after a few days and after a couple of weeks I was besotted but I think people should be told it's not always like it's portrayed on the telly!

I got it with my DD but her labour was so peaceful and easy

With DS, i loved him but i didnt love him but it wasnt the same overwhelming love i had for DD. I had a traumatic labour and didnt realise at the time how much it affected me.

I didnt get that rush of love until a few days after his 1st birthday

Hes nearly 3 now and it still hasnt worn off, i get such a lovey feeling when he smiles at me

You've had a tough time

Don't worry, you may not have had that initial rush, but it'll come. It took a while for me after DC1, I was a bit shell shocked after the birth & mine wasn't too traumatic.

I got there though, and you will too.

You seem like you have had such a rough time with your little one, and you've been doing so good, I'm proud of you!

It's perfectly natural that you don't feel bonded with the little one yet, but that's more leaning to the possible fact that you might not have your maternal instincts kicking in yet because you might not of had a rest from your child as of yet.

I can't offer any advise here, but even though you will feel like you're the only person in the world that feels like this; just know that a lot of us feel the same way! When we had our first child, I didn't feel anything for the child when we got home, it took weeks - months for me to just stop and look in to my childs eyes and I just broke down in tears as if my heart broken a little. I fell in complete paternal love for my baby, and I felt like nothing in the world would ever touch him.

You'll find it in your heart when you see past the crying, the fussing and the tangling. I promise you. Just know you're doing such a great job!

Do you know, I said upthread I only got the rush of love with my middle child? Well he was my easiest and calmest birth by about a million miles. My other two were precipitate births, the most recent was back to back and I went from 4cm dilated to baby born in five minutes (which sounds good but was terrifying), and were both quite traumatic.

I've never actually connected the two things before but, of course, if our births are scary and traumatising experiences then our feelings about the baby initially will be affected. This has actually made me feel better about things, especially as my most recent birth was only a few days ago and I'm still processing it all.

Wow.
I'm overwhelmed with your responses.
Thank you so much. Its reassuring to know that it's ok.
I've my 6 week check today, I'll see what the gp is like and might mention it
I dont see my hv till the 2nd December, I know I could call , but well I dont want to speak with her.
I'm doing so much better then the early days and the smiles are helping.
I think new mums are told to expect wonderful births so they dont expect and fear a bad one but they need to be made aware.
Thank you all so much!!!!

I didn't get that instant rush of love when my DD was born either. I think it crept up steadily to be the overwhelming feeling it is now. I knew I loved her, in the newborn days, but it wasn't the instant rush I had heard others describe when they first saw their babies for the first time.
I remember people saying to me while I was pregnant that I must love my baby so much already but I was a bit non-committal. I wasn't sure if I should admit that I felt a bit ambivalent about it, but I realise now that's OK - it doesn't mean you don't love your LO!
I still have times, even 18 months later, where I can't quite believe I'm someone's mum but I love my DD so much. It took a little while to get there but it's the kind of love that doesn't compare to anything else. It'll come

No, I never had a rush of love with any of my three. Lots of emotions. I think it’s a stupid romantic myth to peddle that we ought to expect this, a bit like love at first sight, or falling in love.

I had a similar induced birth with my eldest and no rush of love - too knackered and traumatised! I knew I loved her, but was not madly in love with her like I expected.

How do you feel about the birth now? You can ask for a debrief, think it's called birth reflections, if you think it will help you process everything.

I had a ridiculously easy labour and delivery with my second and had the cliched rush of love, maybe it is somewhat connected with the birth?

Oh @DDIJ that sounds hard. How old is your baby?