Argh! Can't relax when baby is sleeping

[Secretlifeofme]

I'm 40 years old with a lovely and much-wanted 4 week old DD, who arrived after we had been trying for three years and had three miscarriages. She is actually a really good sleeper overall, both in the day and at night. She catnaps often but will usually have at least two longer naps in the day of between 1.5-3 hours, and at night she sleeps in stretches of 2-4 hours at a time, so I know I'm pretty lucky.

My issue is that I am finding it really difficult to relax when she is asleep. Except for between about 2am and 8am, when I think I'm so tired that if she is asleep I can drop off easily, it takes me ages to fall asleep at night. And when she naps during the day I find it hard to either relax or do anything useful because I am constantly on edge and listening in case she wakes up. It's quite draining and i feel anxious a lot of the time.

Is this normal? And how do I deal with it? I've tried talking to DH but he just said 'just try to relax, she's fine' which didn't really help

Welcome to parenting!

Mine is ten and I can't sleep until she is asleep!

The "oh but what if....." does get to the point where it doesn't consume your every waking thought, but I remember it vividly.

If it is any consolation, the one thing ten years has taught me is, despite me being a very heavy sleeper, I will always wake to even the tiniest whisper of "mummy" so be confident that the part of you that needs to be is always on duty, even if you are asleep.

I agree with Minty - the slightest noise will wake you up.

I've been known to sleep through earthquakes but now I'll wake up if DD even stirs in her sleep.

Honestly you'll start learning to sleep and then it'll be time to move her into her own room (mine outgrew her Moses basket by 4 months). You'll get used to that then she'll start rolling over in the middle of the night and sleeping on her front (we've just got to that stage and it's terrifying).

It's constant but I promise you'll sleep again soon. Not well, but better!

This can be a symptom of post natal anxiety. If it’s still like this in a week or two you could speak to your GP or HV maybe. I did and got a low dose of anti depressants which helped me to switch off and get some sleep.

Sorry to hear about your shitty journey getting here - I went through a lot too and I think it can affect you like this at first. As my little girl has gotten bigger I have become more and more relaxed - she was never unattended until six months, then we had a Next2Me cot and video and movement monitor in our room, now at 17 months she's in her own room and I'm happy with just the sound on (although I do turn on the video so I can kiss her gorgeous little face every so often).

Firstly, you don't need to do anything 'useful' while your DD is asleep. That comes later. Mine slept on me and I gazed adoringly at her/thanked god she had stopped crying. I was glad when she started to sleep off me as it meant I could have some free time. But again, that came later. At the moment, she probably will want you as soon as she wakes up, so part of what you feel is good instinct. Just make sure to cut yourself some slack - she will be absolutely fine for quite a long period even if she was absolutely wailing for you.

As for night time - sleep when you can and if you're struggling to get off to sleep, could you read a book or something else low key that you like? Just whatever you fancy really. If you can manage to do something else at times when you can't sleep whilst you all adjust to this massive change then maybe give it some time. If you are so preoccupied with worry for your DD that you can't sleep, perhaps have a chat with your HV or GP.

I speak as someone who has experienced miscarriage and lost a beautiful DD in NICU. Take it from me, as your DD gets older, this worry will almost certainly turn into an amazing bond. Most people feel really lucky to have their kids, but you will feel so incredibly lucky and fortunate every single day, it really is like you've won the lottery - don't lose that, it's incredibly special and helps get you through the tough bits.

Thanks very much - I really appreciate the kind messages and ideas. Not sure I'm at the stage of going to the docs yet but we'll see - I am an anxious person and think I would probably meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of anxiety even without the baby tbh.

@TinyBearCub for you for your lovely message of support. I'm very sorry for your losses.

Congratulations on your new baby OP. I was very similar, and was diagnosed with post natal depression & anxiety. Took Sertraline which helped massively. Within a matter of short weeks I felt calmer and was actually able to sleep / rest.

How about thinking in terms of resting rather than sleeping? Downloaded the 'Breathe' app (free) and sit quietly with your beautiful daughter and meditate/ relax while you look at her. It might do you more good than aiming for actual sleep.

It sounds like anxiety, and i think it’s completely understandable - when babies are under 6 months we are taught to be hyper-vigilant about the risk of SIDS when they sleep. No wonder we can’t switch off!

However I would also add that my ‘natural’ new mum anxiety turned into really quite bad insomnia, which made me look at all the other things in my life that were making me anxious and keeping me awake! It also dawned on me that being awake when everyone else was asleep was the only time I had got to myself in months...! So you could look at trying to carve out some moments of private time if that’s possible.

Congratulations too!