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Parenting

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Best friend’s daughter is bully.

15 replies

Mumtum79 · 18/11/2019 03:39

I have a friend that I actually met as another school mum but over the years we have become very very close. Our older sons are fairly good friends but we became even closer when our daughters who are the same age started school together. Our husbands get on and we’ve been away as families and spent New Years together etc. My friend was a SAHM as she actually had an older child as well but over the last 18 months has started work. I’m a working mum too and understand the stresses associated with this and she has had to go c bc ack pretty much full time due to the nature of her work. We always helped each other out with pickups/drop offs as the boys and girls are at different schools. I’ve always loved her kids and I can honestly she and her husband are the nicest, kindest people I know. However over the last year her daughter (aged 7) has become a horrible little girl (and I really do deserve judgement on kids as I know their personalities tend to flip-flop at that time). She has said incredibly mean things to my daughter culminating this Friday in an episode that has kept me awake most of this weekend. As we walked to meet her father, she was singing something to my daughter whose hand she was holding tightly. As I drew closer, I realised she was singing in a ‘cutesy’ voice ‘Nobody likes you, nobody likes you’. As soon as she saw me, looking shocked at what I was listening to, her manner changed and she started laughing. She has previously said horrible things to my daughter in my presence but this was the downright meanest. My daughter is fairly thick skinned and about a year ago told me about the problem (they used to be best friends) and spoke to a teacher about it who moved her in the lunch room. I questioned my daughter over the weekend and ,oddly, I think she now lets this behaviour wash off as it’s a fairly large year and the two girls aren’t in the same class plus my daughter has her own friends. My main fear is that I have witnessed this behaviour and feel that this little girl now thinks she has free rein to do as she wants in front of me. She continued to sing this song in spite of me watching but stopped when we bumped into her dad a few seconds later so she knows it’s wrong. I love my friend and she is very important to me but my daughter comes first. Even my husband (who is a lovely man but really wouldn’t notice an anvil falling out of the sky unless it had a Man Utd sticker on it) has also witnessed a change in behaviour and has suggested backing away from drop offs/pick ups. We were planning a half-term getaway in Feb but I’ve made some excuses. I’m sure my friend is also hurt that I’m not offering to look after her kids more now she’s working which I don’t want to put my daughter in an unhappy situation. I have tried to tactfully talk to my daughter about how this girl is to other girls at school. She is in ‘ School council’ which is an elected post suggesting she is fairly popular but equally my daughter did say that this girl is good at giving a good election speech whereas other girls that age tend to be shy. I don’t know if and how to broach this subject with my friend. I can’t imagine that it only my daughter this girl is like this too but I feel if I don’t do anything then my daughter will become an easy target as this other girl will think I am a weak parent who won’t protect my child!!! I have previously interrupted when the back seat chat has become particularly viscous with ‘ shall we be nicer to each other girls?’ Etc but now feel I really ought to let the mum know but don’t know if it’s my place. Help!!!

OP posts:
Mumtum79 · 18/11/2019 03:42

Loads of spelling mistakes 🙈....sorry! Currently awake with a sick son!

OP posts:
theruffles · 18/11/2019 10:47

I think you need to let your friend know. You don't have to make a massive thing out of it but could say "I overheard your DD singing this to my DD and thought it was a bit odd". That sort of bullying behaviour should be nipped in the bud at the earliest opportunity in my opinion. If your friend's DD is doing that to your DD, imagine what she could be doing to other children at school.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/11/2019 10:52

I would tell your friend too.

Shelbygirl15 · 18/11/2019 11:59

Hello. She was being abit mean. I find when managing someone else's child I just say it as an all rounder to everyone. I say things like lets only say nice things to eachother. Or I don't want to hear silly words like that.

I'd just act abit dumb and ask your friend if her daughter's mentioned they had bickered or anything. Say you overheard her DD saying that to her and wondered if someone had happened.

It sounds like they are lovely people so hopefully you can keep it balanced and mention it in a casual way to start with. In the future though I'd definitely say something to the child about being nice and saying kind things.

Sometimes kids don't always get on. My friends daughter was a nightmare and never was that nice to my child. I avoid my friend now as she couldn't see anything going on and clearly wouldn't of done anything to alter he daughters behaviour. It's important you don't let her think she can treat your child like a mean bully though. I know kids can be silly but if it's s regular thing I'd nip it in the bud x

Wattagoose90 · 18/11/2019 12:08

At this age kids often don't know the difference between a joke and saying something that can actually hurt another child. It's important for them to learn now what's nice/naughty and acceptable/unacceptable. You don't need to discipline your friends daughter as such but you could've explained why it wasn't nice to say such things and how other children might be really upset by it.

Given that the moment's now gone, could you say something along the lines of "I heard you daughter sing this, she's probably heard it from another child and obviously I don't think there was any malice behind it but I'm not sure our kids realise that words can hurt. I'm going to chat to my kids, would you mind mentioning it to yours too?"

I mean I could be wrong and she might well be turning into a bully, but benefit of the doubt and all...

isitxmasyet · 18/11/2019 12:14

Is that the only example OP?
Only whilst I know it wasn’t nice it wasn’t horrendous and I’d have told her off at the time rather than ignore it.

Your DD is not at all bothered and has other friends so no current risk to her by sounds of it

So rather than back away from the friendship why wouldn’t you tell this girl her behaviour isn’t acceptable when you hear it and then mention to her mum ‘just to let you know I’m case X mentions it but I did tell her off earlier as she was being unkind- it isn’t the first time I’ve heard it so didn’t feel I could let it go and wanted you to know what happened’

NorthEndGal · 18/11/2019 12:20

I dont understand why you didnt stop her right away, with a firm "Hey! That's mean, and you need to stop now".

If it happened at school, you'd want a teacher to stop it , right? So why wouldnt you do the same yourself, when you were right there?

Otherwisebaldandunconvincing · 18/11/2019 22:59

My best friend's daughter did something mean to mine when they were around 6 which led to her having nightmares for weeks. I told my friend. She was mortified but glad I'd said something.
I'm sure your friend would rather know that her child is saying these things.

Scribblescribbles · 18/11/2019 23:07

It doesn't mean that because her friend is popular that she's nice. Sometimes kids are friends with the popular person because either they want to part of something or because the popular child is horrible to them otherwise. I'd mention it to your friend saying that you realise that no child is perfect all the time but that it's affecting your child's confidence. (even if it's not it gives you a good reason to mention it and ultimately it could do) Good luck whatever you decide. Tricky one.

Mumtum79 · 20/11/2019 11:56

Thank you so much for all your replies. Have been kicking myself that I didn’t just say something at that time but it happened so quickly and I was so shocked that I couldn’t speak and then we bumped into my friend’s husband so in the greetings, etc the moment was lost to say something. I like the idea of using it as a ‘we don’t act like that’ opportunity so think I’ll keep a close eye on the situation and if it happens again I’ll be sure to jump on it and then also prob follow it up with letting my friend know. You’re right that popular children aren’t necessarily have to be nice children....I hadn’t thought of that. It’s not been the first time but it was the worst so far. I think the time has come for me to bite the bullet and say something to both the child and then my friend.
Thanks so much for all your help xx

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 20/11/2019 15:40

It can be hard to find the right words if surprised, for sure. Flowers
Just remind yourself that you have a voice to be used, there's no point in having it otherwise .
You are the adult, and your number one goal is to set an example of how to move through life. That's what raising kids is about. Your dd sees how you handle things, and will learn from you.

You have every right to form boundaries, and to decide what is acceptable and what isn't. If something isn't acceptable, it's up to you to enforce that boundary. It gets stronger every time you use it, just like a wearing down a path .

When you show her how to set them, she sees it in action, and it will mean more than any platitudes like "tell a grown up if someone bullies you".

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 20/11/2019 15:54

I googled healthy friendship boundaries for a personal reminder earlier today. In the image tab we're lots of educational poster-type materials aimed at children.

Danascully2 · 21/11/2019 11:45

My son and a friend had quite a volatile relationship for a while and as they were in the same class at school I pulled back from out of school playdates as I felt my son needed a break from the other child. This child had some particular and genuine reasons for behaving badly and I am very friendly with his mum so was sad to stop meeting up but I felt I had to put my son first. Another time a child wanted to take home a Lego creation they had made at our house and I nearly let him as it was only small and didn't have any special bricks or anything but then decided it was my son's Lego and it wasn't fair to let the other child take some away unless my son said he could. Assertiveness doesn't come naturally to me but these are times when I have had to make slightly tricky choices. Could the 7 year old be reacting to her mum going back to work? That doesn't make her behaviour ok but maybe might explain it?

PepsiLola · 21/11/2019 11:52

I think you need to tell your friend exactly what happened and discuss past events.

Tell her you love her and her family but you can't have someone doing this to your daughter.

yasle · 21/11/2019 11:57

You need to tell your friend as nicely and tactfully as you can and ask her to speak to her dd. And accept that your dd is more important than your friendship, if it came down to it.

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