Toddler DS pushing me to breaking point

[meepmoop]

Hello,

I'm really struggling with my 2.4 year old DS. He can be lovely but he's always been extremely lively and over excitable. I had real trouble with him biting, pulling hair and being very rough. It was getting better but now it's worse.

He throws everything.
I will give him a snack and he will crumble it up and then have a mega tantrum that it's broken until I give him another one.
He pesters me constantly for food and has a tantrum if I say no.
He will smash up any tracks that I've built.
If he's playing with other for example both playing cars, he will bash their toys with his.
He throws his cutlery then cries that it's gone.
He chases any pets ( our dog is constantly behind a baby gate, my mum has started shutting her dog in the bedroom)
He now rugby tackles other kids to the ground.

I believe he thinks he's playing but it's not nice play.

If he hurts others I say no and remove him from the situation. If he hits me I often remove myself from the situation

Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do. I'm in tears by the end of the day. All the other toddlers and preschoolers we know behave nothing like him and are all lovely and gentle.

He goes to nursery 1 day a week and his grandparents take him out fairly often to.

I also have a 5 week old DD but he's been fine with her.

drink wine

A new baby is going to be a big change to his life and he won't have the language or thought processes to be able to articulate this yet, he's communicating through behaviour.

You could try a visual timetable for the day so he knows when it is snack time and when it is lunch time - so if he throws his snack, you can say that's a shame he threw it away but next we're doing [activity] and then it's lunchtime. He will still have the tantrum but he will know there is lunch coming soon.

If he is throwing can you find a safe thing for him to throw? Put the baby in a sling and take him to the park to throw a ball against a wall? Go outside and see how far you can both throw sticks?

If he's enjoying smashing up tracks can you do tower building / block stacking just to enjoy smashing it up?

And talk about how much fun it is to be able to play with with a big boy throwing sticks, babies are cute but they're not much fun yet, you can't have a game with them.

Thank you for your reply,

I'm not sure if he would understand a timetable just yet but it's something i can think about.

I do say if you want to throw something, throw your ball but most of the time he just ignores me.

Trying to get out the house more is a good idea, I have got a sling but DD isn't keen.

My eldest was exactly like this. It was a nightmare.
On the upside he was a brilliant teenager and he's turned into a lovely young man.

Food that gets crushed or thrown away doesn't get replaced.
Toys that get thrown get put away.
If he hits, bites or tackles or is otherwise being rough it's an immediate time out.
Any tantrums, no matter how long or loud, get ignored. Once he's calmed himself down he can get a big cuddle.

I know it's easier said than done but if you're consistently strict with him he'll get the idea quickly and it makes life much easier and happier for both of you.

Also if he's smashing up the train tracks, he's not old enough for them yet. Put them away for awhile and get them back out when he's calmed down a bit.

This was the most difficult age for my ds and I really really struggled. He is now 2.8 and so so much easier. I was totally at my wits end and now it's mostly enjoyable with just some tough patches.

It's highly likely that this ie just a difficult phase and it will pass.

My two and a half DD is like this; she can be lovely and I love her to bits but I find it really hard with her at times. I’m also pregnant and realistically I know that some of her behaviour is feeling unsettled due to that and my patience is lower as I’m tired.
I’m trying to recognise any triggers and manage them such as when she’s tired and also be quite firm that when she throws food on the floor then that’s it and there’s no more or when she’s screaming at me for something I tell her that I won’t be responding while she’s screaming.

Thanks everyone, I do need to be more strict with taking things away and not replacing broken food.
It's just the easier option especially when he's hanging his forehead on the floor

100% agree with @biboat - as hard as it is, every time you give in after bad behaviour it just encourages him to do it again. Psych yourself up, start tomorrow with zero tolerance. You give him a clear warning for any bad behaviour and if he doesn't stop, you confiscate toy/ crushed snack or put him in a timeout (we have a naughty step for 2.5yo DS). Ignore all tantrums. He will calm down eventually - and learning to calm himself is an important skill.

DS can and does throw some epic tantrums but they are pretty rare now. Kids are smart and soon realise they aren't getting anywhere.

This was my son a few months ago. I cried nearly every day.
We had to implement ZERO TOLERANCE his behaviour was so bad towards other children. We did time out at home behind a baby gate because he would run off his time out spot. If we are out he has time out in the car. Preschool give time out with my instruction now because they were at a lose end as to what to do with him "kind hands blah blah" just wasn't working. It's taken a few months but now he realises that certain behaviour is not allowed.
If he's having a tantrum and banging his head I'd pick him up and calm him down, encourage him to use his words, be very calm and correct him by asking him to ask in the right way. The calmer you are, the calmer he will be. Don't give in to him when he's having a tantrum. No is no.

Some children just need clear rules and instructions. My son definitely has to learn the hard way no matter how many times he's told "no"

New baby is a massive change. My DS2 is 13 weeks. Just spend as much 1:1 as you possibly can. Can you increase nursery days? I feel that the time away from me at preschool is positive for my DS, it give him a break and he can have fun and make as much noise as he likes

Everytime my DS used to do things like that I pretended to cry. It worked well and he is no longer an arsehole 🙂

They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing

Thanks everyone, tomorrow I will do my best to have zero tolerance.

Where do you do the naughty step? I can't put him on the stairs as we have a baby gate across the front room to keep the dog separate.

I can't increase his nursery days unfortunately as we can't afford to until funding starts at 3.

I have been (still am) going through very similar with my ds. I was also at the end of my teather.

The thing that can be hard is finding the right method that works for both of you. Every child is different bla bla. Try things and see. I found the naughty step made my ds worse but I would echo what other ladies have said, above everything stay calm.
This has been the hardest parenting stage for me so far so I feel your pain. I'm hoping for us both it's a phase and will pass when the communication improves. What helped me was understanding that something has caused this behaviour and it could be he's frightened. In our case it was my husband working away more and he was confused by the change. We now talk to him every day about the plan for the week. It is helping and we are starting to have a much calmer household. Good luck!

It sounds like your child is demanding boundaries and structure. You need to teach him that to help him make sense of the world. He still acts on impulse and that's normal, he needs to be told and shown with love but consistency in order to form the needed associations.
My nephew was very much how you describe. Extremely lively and excitable, playing rough. Parents didn't know how to handle him for a while. Then I saw a significant change in his behaviour. I asked my sister in law what happened. She said, I sat down one night and watched a dozen episodes of super nanny
Also I noticed that whereas before when he misbehaved she first looked distraught not knowing what to do, and by the time she reacted it was too late, child was hyper and unable to stop, but now parents act right away, they can see the building up arising much earlier so I guess it prevents a lot of major meltdowns. They had to roll up their sleeves tho, be more observant and definitely consistent. He gets a warning, he is put in time out if still not listening, ( he used to run away at first ofc but they kept chasing, now he stays there) made to apologize. He knows the consequences and he knows now it's not avoidable. Result is amazing to me I have to say. He's adorable now and much happier. Caring towards others and has plenty of friends, bright and caring He is still as lively as can be and that is fab. He's just the type of child who needs very clear boundaries and consistency. He pushed and pushed and demanded them.

I second Supernanny actually. Lots of good advice in those programmes.

We do timeout on the stairs (baby gate is on 3rd step up) but any easily identifiable quiet location eg the corner of a room, will do.

Hi,
I'm also going through this stage with my 2 year old. Im a nursery teacher and as much as this won't help with the behaviors, look up schematic play. The dropping everything is what's called trajectory play and is a way of learning so ds maybe doesn't think he's doing wrong. I was at my wits end with everything getting thrown from the high chair until I learned about schemas through work and now am hopeful it will pass as dd grows. Hopefully this is the same for you. Hope this helps. 🙂

We had similar when our second was born. Regular one on one time was the only thing that helped. I took him out for the afternoon, just the two of us when my youngest was a couple of months and his behaviour was borderline angelic for about a week afterwards. His behaviour also massively improved when we started keeping him up for half an hour after his brother's bedtime, and he had both of our attention.
We tried the zero tolerance, firm boundaries and ended up in a vicious feedback loop, he'd act up, we'd be stricter and in the end we were being disciplinarians with a toddler, which was awful, because it made him so much worse as all he needed was more time and cuddles.

It gets better.