Football mad son won’t play

[Fluffywithteeth]

My 8 yo son loves football. Wants to play every second of the day. Loves to watch football.

However, not keen to watch any team that he might feel he supports - he always claims not to mind who wins but will rarely actually watch when the teams he supports ‘a bit’ are playing

Also, Joined a local team when he was 6 but asked to stop after a couple of games and said it was stressful. A year later desperate to join a team. Finally got him back into a team (really nice, friendly no pressure team!) and he’s played for a few weeks and again wants to stop and says it’s making him unhappy.

I don’t know if this is connected but he’s really good. And is popular with his team mates.

Im feeling v confused. While he’s actually playing he looks beyond happy. But last Sunday he was sobbing in my arms saying he didn’t want to play.

Of course just because he’s good at something doesn’t mean he has to do it. But I’m worried that some anxiety is getting in the way of him doing something he really takes such pleasure in.....

For now I’ve told the team he’s feeling uncertain and will take a break til Xmas. My son and I have discussed that he can say at Xmas that he still doesn’t want to play and that’s ok. And that maybe he will want to play and that would be ok too as people can change what they fancy doing.

What am I missing? What would you do?

My DH told me that about age 8 he asked his Mum if he could stop football. He said he loved it but the highly competitive nature of the other boys was too stressful for him. He hated the "desperation"

Some people aren't cut out for that highly competitive thing...others can learn. One of my DD's is so highly competitive (like me!) that she for a while, would actively avoid taking part in things she loved and was good at just in case she didn't win...which is of course counter productive.

She's 11 now and JUST learning to get on top of those feelings. For example, she wanted the lead in the school play SO badly that she decided she needed a day off on the day of the auditions! I made her go....and she got the part.

I've spoken to her about self-sabotage....which is what it sounds like your DS is doing. I would talk to DS to see if he's worried about losing or about not getting the goal etc.

And then talk to him about self-sabotage....which comes from fear. And fear gets us NOWHERE....it feeds on our insecurities and grows...so needs to be ignored.

Playing football means making mistakes, all the time. Maybe talk to him about how messing up is part of the game, that it's about percentages, backing up your team mates, putting in practice? Even top played make mistakes all the time, etc., but you just come back from them.

I'm assuming that he's feeling the pressure of not being perfect? Or just overwhelmed. Either way, football can be great for learning to handle emotions. You can't force him though obviously.

Top players, I mean.

DD finds group sports intensely anxiety provoking. So she watches them and is actually takes part in very individual sports like climbing. It's to do with focus, I think. And not wanting to let people down.

thank you all os much for your replies (and so sorry for disappearing ... life suddenly went extra mad). It's reassuring to hear you've encountered similar things....

What you've said does make me think..... he does have perfectionist tendencies but can more or less master that..... but i think dealing with his own disappointment in combination with other people's (plus potentially letting them down) puts him under.... just too much upset

He's naturally v good at tuning into others. Works hard to avoid anyone feeling bad...and it may be in these situations he feels powerless to stop people feeling bad eg if they lose. So the disappointment and his feeling of impotence just too much for him

i'm encouraging him to continue with team training and i am insisting that once a week or so we have a short ocnversaton about these feelings (he just wants to ignore the whole thing). SO i've made a deal wiht him which is he has my word he is not going to forced / cajoled into doing football when he doesn't want to, and that he commits to working together to understand these feelings.....

omg. work is so easy compared to being a mum!!

Maybe he'd be interested in getting into football tricks (I dont know what the right word for this is) as I think that's more of a solo activity but would still mean he could enjoy and use his talent? I saw a woman recently on youtube who was amazing at it and it looked so cool!

I just looked it up 'football freestyle'