Confused by it all - grandmother

[Themagicnumbers]

I suppose I just need some advice and an impartial view.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I was so excited but when speaking to my mum she would tell me that my girl would hate me like I hate her.

After the birth every time my mum was out with the both of us she would call me weird if me and my daughter had an inside joke etc. She would then go on to say how I've hated her since I was 2 years old. I just think it's really strange as I wouldn't be out spending time with her and my daughter if I hated her. My daughter is 3 now and she is becoming increasingly more jealous of our bond to the point where I feel like she may try and sabotage this.

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother so I go over and above to invite her on days out with us etc. It has got to the point that these meetings with the 3 of us are just awkward because she keeps watching my parenting then picking holes like the other day I was getting my daughter in her car seat after a long day visiting various family members, she was grouchy and crying refusing to be strapped into the car seat. My mum made a comment "why is she crying like that, she is crying as if you are going to hit her".

I now drop my daughter off just so that my daughter has a relationship with her grandparents while I do a food shop etc. This means that I don't have to spend time with her as I'm really on the verge of saying something and falling out with her. My daughter came back from a visit the other day and said grandmother had called her shy, and my daughter has started pulling funny faces, the same funny faces that my mum used to pull at me. She also called my daughter 'starey' the other day where she was so tired and just staring into space. I didn't mind so much as she is only 3 but if she starts calling her random names at say 10 when she understands I know it will hurt her.

I am only nervous about the name calling as I was called fat, short, a lesbian, dyke, ugly, teeth like my father etc by her growing up (just to name a few).

Both myself and my husband laugh about this now but we are increasingly nervous that our daughter will go through this.

I know this is really confusing but I really don't know what to do in this situation. They are amazing in every other way, will buy her anything that she wants and never refuse to have her if we need to do something.

We're now trying for number 2 and she doesn't seem happy for me at all.

Just realised I'm rambling, thank you if you've read up to this point, so what would you do in my situation? Should I just be grateful that she has doting grandparents and nobody is perfect?

I understand that you would want your child to have a lovely relationship with her grandparents, but your parents are abusive and poisonous! What will she learn from them that will enrich her life?

Please stop enabling this damaging relationship. You are worth so much more than this!

It sounds rather toxic tbh. I wouldn’t want my daughter being made to feel inadequate. My MIL was always happy when things went her way but when it didn’t she literally cut us off including the GD she claimed to love above all else. It happened regularly and in the end the last time she did it I didnt respond and if I’m being honest I’m glad. I’d do anything to keep family in contact but not at a detriment to the happiness or my daughter or my husband. I guess it’s down to whether you are happy being treated like this but also whether you think there’s a chance she will damage your relationship with your DC.

Sorry to say this but your mother is a toxic witch and I think I would stop letting your child spend time alone with her.

Have you looked at the stately homes threads?

Your mother sounds emotionally abusive. Calling you ugly as a child?! What the fuck? What decent parent does that?

It must have caused you some great damage, to the point where you still want to have a relationship with her.

Make no mistake, she is sending you all the signals that she will do the same to your DD. When she is older she will be subject to the same abuse. Do you really want to subject her to that?

I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Your mum is an unfit parent. Just because she kept you alive, fed, watered and clothed - that does not a good parent make.

Your daughter will only go through that if you let her. She sounds toxic.
Your instincts are kicking in. My parents spent my childhood arguing and moody. The first time they had an argument in front of my child was the last. I picked her up, got in the car and left. That was my line.

I agree with PP's I'm afraid OP, this is the latest stately homes thread, lots of useful stuff on there www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3727835-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-October-2019-onwards-thread

The name calling started when I was around 7, it started with fat and ugly then by around 12 or 13 it turned into lesbian and dyke as I decided to joined the local football team. The strange thing was I never felt like a child, even at 7 I can just remember feeling older.

join*

Op you are subjecting your dd to abuse ffs!! Stop the visits today.
Or imo you are failing her as her dm.

Your mums emotionally abusive, you need to wake up to the fact and stop willingly submitting your DD to the same abuse.

You know you know your mother is vile and abusive, how can you let her anywhere near your child?
You didn’t have a choice growing up but now you do so stop putting your child through what you went through

I understand that you want your daughter to have a kind and loving relationship with a grandma who loves her dearly.

Unfortunately it sounds as if the only relationship on offer is the same one that you had with her.

It’s up to you to decide if you want that for her.

Your mum abused you.

Your mum continues to abuse you

She is abusing and will continue to abuse your DD

Please cut contact with this vile woman who raised you. You can see, as an adult, how harmful this was to your child-self. Don't allow the cycle to continue. Please.

I’m not completely naive to it, I suppose I just need to hear it from someone impartial. Never underestimate how much it will make you question yourself.

I’m just trying to find the right middle ground I suppose to maintain a relationship. We have started putting measures in place, we are in the process of purchasing a house over an hour away and are due to complete in the next few weeks which should give us some distance. At the moment we live 5 minutes away.

The strange thing was I never felt like a child, even at 7 I can just remember feeling older.

That's because your mum wouldn't allow you to be a child because she made everything about her and denied you the nurturing environment a child is rightly entitled to.

Meant to add op, my dm was crap. I went nc with her when I had dc and she showed to continue her theme and was a crap dgm also.
No regrets at all.
You owe her nothing op.
You do owe your dc a decent child hood.

Agree with PPs. Your mom abused you and continues to do so.

My MIL always tells me I'm a brilliant mom, you can see DD adores me, etc. It's really lovely.
That's the only reason your mom should be commenting on your parenting IMO.

Protect your daughter so she doesn't have to endure the abuse you endured.

I could have written your thread OP. Funnily enough I am in a very similar position to you but my DC is still only tiny but he's learning to talk and really understands everything so I see this only going the way you describe and I am dreading it. I am planning the steps to cut all contact.

I've PM'd you if you want to chat.

I’m just trying to find the right middle ground I suppose to maintain a relationship

Well, for the love of God, stop! No relationship with a GM is better than a relationship with an abusive one! The only acceptable amount of abuse is none. There is no middle ground here.

You need to stop contact between your DD and your mother, and to minimise contact with her yourself, as well as spending some time in therapy unpicking all this. Your mother has done a number on your head and it's stopping you from seeing the abuse. You need to protect your DD and stop the cycle.

Thank you all for your replies. They’ve been very helpful.

There’s no wonder you apparently hated her since you were 2 when she was calling you all those horrid names.

Your mother is a POS, protect your daughter from her. She’s just jealous of your capacity to love and mother your daughter unconditionally, something she clearly wasn’t capable of.

My mum is the same, 'no one likes a fat girl's, 'no man who is sane will ever love you being overweight, when you marry someone there will be something wrong with him', 'dont you ever say that again, I am not your friend and never will be, I am your mother' (after I questioned why we didn't go for trips out together like my friends and their mums).

I am currently 36+1 and dreading how my mum will interact with my son. I think better because he wont be a girl. My advice would be to remember how you felt as a child and to not let your child suffer in the same way. My mother's interactions with me as a child really fucked my self esteem for a long time and I truly hated myself until I was around 23 because I wasnt thin. I have since learnt to accept myself and now value myself as a person.

Would you want your daughter to grow up with the same insecurities as you? Tricky one. What would your mother be like if you were to say something?