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Original poster

Over bearing mother in law

21 replies

Tommy311218 · 15/11/2019 04:14

My mother in law is a very good woman with a good heart but we have always clashed. She is very over bearing and my husband (who left his home country and feels terribly guilty) will always side with her through guilt and loyalty, even when she does outrageous things, for example when she wore a huge white dress to my wedding or bought my husband his wedding ring, engraved with "love always, mum" after me telling her we wanted to buy each other's wedding bands.

Last month I had my first child and I'm really struggling with her being around. She came and stayed with us for a few days the day I came out of hospital and although it was kind of her to want to feed, change and comfort the baby, I felt like I was being pushed out and wasn't given the chance to bond with him and be his mum (I had a c-section so couldn't do much of the physical things).

He's now nearly three weeks old and she's back for the weekend with her husband. I have prepared myself for her trying to take over and thought of all the possible ways of keeping control without being offensive or possessive. However, this evening I went to bed around 12:30am and, like the last visit, I left the baby downstairs as he was awake and MIL was fussing over him and enjoying his company, I asked my husband to bring him to bed when he was coming and reminded him of all the bits he would need for the night feeds. My husband came to bed an hour later and was very pleased to let me know the baby would be sleeping with my MIL so I could get a good night sleep. Am I being awful that I'm so unhappy about this?! I can't sleep at all missing the baby and worrying that when he wakes up he'll feel abandoned by me, even though he's in the next room? I also feel so resentful as I was very polite but clear that I wouldn't want to be away from him when she had previously suggested taking him in her room for the night. I want to go and take him back but feel like that would be offensive and upset my husband, I just feel like he's too young to be away from his parents through the night and my heart aches that I'm not with him. Am I being selfish and jealous or is my upset justified?

OP posts:

Selfsettlingat3 · 15/11/2019 04:27

Go and get your baby now.

MIL sounds crazy. Spend the weekend resting with a baby in your bedroom with the door shut. Tell DH he tells MIL what is appropriate or you will and it won’t be pretty.

Horehound · 15/11/2019 04:34

Go and get your baby op!omg that is not on at all!!!
Just say husband presumed you would like that rest but really you want to be with your baby.

Horehound · 15/11/2019 04:35

And next time they visit do not leave baby downstairs! Just take him with you. You are all that baby needs and wants right now!

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lifesnotaspectatorsport · 15/11/2019 04:37

Go get your baby!!!!

alreadyinchristmasmood · 15/11/2019 04:39

Wtf. Just wtf. Please don't tell me your husband wears a wedding band that says "love always, mom".

You need to set boundaries ASAP.
And discuss with DH. This can't go on like this

Horehound · 15/11/2019 04:44

@Tommy311218 hopefully you're reading our messages?

RubyG3112 · 15/11/2019 04:48

Thanks so much! I feel better just knowing I'm not mad and that she is over stepping the boundaries of normal behaviour. I never know if I'm being unreasonable when she does these things because she always does them in such an over the top kind way!

And yes he does wear the engraved wedding ring! We nearly didn't get married because it made me so mad.

custardbear · 15/11/2019 04:54

She's way overstepping your boundaries and she always will unless you say something about it
I'd be taking my baby to bed and tough if she wants the child in her room, she had her chance - besides you have said no and she needs to respect that

As for the wedding ring - wow, just wow! I'd be buying new wedding ring for anniversary - she's not married to him, you are !

FeckTheMagicDragon · 15/11/2019 04:55

Go get YOUR baby.

Horehound · 15/11/2019 05:01

I hope this isn't real

Teaandcrisps · 15/11/2019 05:44

Morning OP, this is really distressing to.read so.along with others going to urge you to go.and get your baby.

Also, is there anywhere you can move out to whilst they are staying. This is toxic and it is worrying that you are doubting yourself.

Your OH needs to.look after you and your babys needs first, and if he cant do that then you need to get out of them or you and baby out of that environment. I'm sorry you're going thru this so soon after giving birth. They may not stay with you again ok.

IWantADifferentName · 15/11/2019 05:50

YANBU

Invest in a sling. That makes it very difficult for other people to take control.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2019 06:07

Omg he wears the ring, they’re visiting twice in two weeks after you’ve had major abdominal surgery and he let your mil have your newborn for the night! . You have a very big husband problem.

Did you go and get your baby?

SureTry · 15/11/2019 07:08

Are you breastfeeding? Also do you have any family who can visit you and speak up for you if you find it difficult?

5LeafClover · 15/11/2019 08:46

MIL is not 'just being kind', she's making up needs for you that she can solve (by holding and being main carer for the baby) and shes using your politeness/ fear of conflict as a tactic.

You need to play the same game with an equally kind, 'thank you/that's really kind of you but I prefer/ the baby needs/ it's better if.....' every time. Use her conversation style as your model so if she is smiley as she does it, you do the same.

If she starts looking huffy ignore it ( as she ignores your discomfort). If your husband tries to side with her use the same approach on him ( it's sooooo kind of MIL but I think/I prefer/ the baby needs.....). Suggest other jobs to him that she could do that would help you (meal prep, washing etc).

Remember, the most important thing is your baby and you learning to be the mum he needs. They should be supporting you in this not taking over. Stand your ground OP , you can do it.

7yo7yo · 15/11/2019 08:49

GO AND GET YOUR BABY.
You and your needs matter and count.
Tell “D”H She’s not to come back till you are ready for visitors and even then she needs to stay elsewhere.
Set your boundaries.

ArthurMorgan · 15/11/2019 09:18

I'm sorry but I can't get past the fact that he wears that ring

You need to start putting a major foot down, he'll be shipping the baby off to mils for the night before you know it!

Inerdaginnottingham · 15/11/2019 11:33

Hi Tommy,
Oh my goodness you have my every sympathy! My children are slightly older now but my in-laws were an absolute nightmare when they were born.
When my eldest DS was born and I was out shopping with her, she would physically slap my hand from his pram saying ‘Hands off, it’s my turn now’. Once we were out and whilst I was looking at a rail of clothes (with the pram at my side), she walked up behind me, unseen, and took off with him - I was beside myself as I had no idea where they’d gone.

When DS was born and we were round at hers, she came out with a big gift bag full of newborn outfits, she handed it to me and waited until I’d finished thanking her before telling me it wasn’t for me or my DS but for a friend of mine who’d also just had a baby- she wanted me to pass it on. She’d bought gifts for my friends baby but nothing for her own grandson, I got in the car and cried all the way home.

When DS was 9 months old, I had to return to work- she offered to look after DS one day a week. We used to take him with a couple of changes of clothes but this didn’t matter as MIL would undress him and put him in clothes they’d bought (which they kept at their house) and then change him back when we collected him! One day, he’d had a bit of an upset tummy and so his clothes and spare set were soiled. When we collected him MIL announced that his soiled clothes were in a bag ready to take home and put in the wash, however..... she wouldn’t allow us to take him home in ‘her’ clothes and insisted the clothes they’d bought him, stay at theirs. She made us strip him down to his nappy and we had to take him home in just a nappy and snow suit- it was winter.

There are so many things down the years that she’s done that have upset me, funnily enough we get on quite well now but I occasionally see the old MIL slip through and it fills me with dread.

My advice is to lay down some ground rules and not care if it upsets her or not- it’s YOUR baby and he needs YOU, not your MIL.
I wish I’d been stronger earlier on, as once I did come out if my shell and start saying no, my in-laws soon realised it was my family, my decisions and not theirs. It felt like a battle for a good few years before I did so.

Keep us updated with how you get on and then lease know your not alone x

Inerdaginnottingham · 15/11/2019 11:36

The thing is- it doesn’t matter if you think she’s being kind and you worry that your being unreasonable.
She’s a mother herself, she must clearly realise that she’s overstepping the mark, and no... you’re not being unreasonable.

NorthEndGal · 15/11/2019 11:40

Go get the baby. If mil says anything, just say "there was a miscommunication, baby always sleeps with me. "

MrsRoxieBB · 16/11/2019 12:46

How have you not taken your baby back?!
Your MIL has had her time of being a first mum, this is your time.
You'll never get to do over a first time so get your baby back and talk to your husband and his mother about how they're making you feel.

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