Appropriate consequences for 3.5 yr old

[Selfsettlingat3]

I have a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. Older DD’s behaviour has been unsurprisingly not great recently. Talking to her about her behaviour mostly being too rough with the baby and refusing to follow instructions isn’t working.

As much as possible we have tried positive praise and turning things into a game but it’s not always appropriate. Please help us out here.

Logical consequences carried out immediately

Naughty step?

LoisLittsLover she now know that if she puts small toys on the baby or her play mat they end up in the bin and it seems to working after one toy did end up in the bin. But if she is bouncing the baby too roughly in the bouncy chair or if she keeps getting out of her seat at dinner time and taking toys if the baby in her high chair then what is a natural consequence?

avocadoze I’m thinking I might have to do this but I’m not sure how it works?

I have a just 3 year old and a 7 month old. We use the naughty step for time out, it’s mainly for rough behaviour with the baby.

I have a timer and he has to sit there for 2 minutes. I then remind him of the rules and he goes and says sorry to the baby for being rough.

Thanks Greedy-tiger, is it making a difference?

If you get down from your chair then dinner is finished, no food until the next meal in our house.

Bouncing too roughly is harder because i think it's a tricky concept for them to understand about babies being delicate! So i would tend to go for one reminder followed by not being able to play in the same area if you can't be gentle, as dd craves attention. You can also do 'time in' where dd can't be trusted to be nice to baby so has to sit with mummy doing nothing but being very carefully supervised (eg boring!!) But you have to pick wisely for.your child ime

Thanks. The dinner thing won’t work for us as then she will be hungry during the night and I’m not comfortable with withholding food.

I think definitely time out will work better.

It might also be worth considering being zero tolerance with the bouncer. So if mine was rough I wouldn't let her near the bouncer again and explain why. Sometimes easier to just not allow the unwanted behaviour to start.

Thanks, the bouncer was just an example but she always gets carried away with the baby and I would end up with dont touch the baby.

I have a year old and 2 jars of marbles. She earns marbles for her jar for being helpful, and I get them back when she doesn't listen or is being rude. I didn't like the idea of star charts etc, but she responded really well to one at school, and now the thought of losing a precious marble is the worst thing in the world!!

• 4 year old

Have you tried positive distraction? Sitting on the naughty step/putting toys in the bin etc may give her attention that makes her bad behaviour 'worthwhile'. It may also reinforce her fears that she is less lovable than the baby.

Completely ignoring bad behaviour and starting a new activity may well be more effective. She's still young to really understand 'good' and 'bad' behaviour.

TripleSeptic we tried a star chart for getting dressed but the reward was too far away.

bluejelly positive reinforcement works really well but unfortunately is no good when she is being a danger to the baby.

I think what she needs is 1:1 time with me but the baby is ebf and a Velcro baby who cluster feeds in the evenings when DH is home.

Siblings without Rivalry or The Second Child Book - both have good strategies in. Unfortunately I can't remember offhand D:

I think you're right about 1:1. Could you possibly carve out 15 mins per day, even if it means DH takes the baby for a walk around the block so you can't hear screaming? And/or a longer block of 1-2 hours at the weekend - however long you feel comfortable leaving between feeds.

For being a danger to the baby I would not rely on consequences, I would do helicopter supervision and any time she is near the baby you basically appear and just keep both of them within arms' reach so you can moderate any activity and remove her (or the baby) if necessary. When she's behaving appropriately with the baby make sure you praise massively what a helpful/loving/kind big sister she is and how much baby sister likes that. If you need to do something and not watch them like a hawk, put the baby somewhere high up (high chair, pram) and instruct DD not to go near.

Another good technique so that the big one doesn't feel singled out is to make sure she hears you telling the little one to wait just a moment as I'm busy with DD1 (etc) - obviously baby will not understand, but big sister will, and will hear that sometimes it's the baby's turn to wait etc.

I think putting toys in the bin is too much and I would just confiscate them for the day or so. If there are particular toys which are causing a problem, put them away for a while but that's all.

Lastly try to assume positive intent to her actions - e.g. if she takes toys during dinner you could say how lovely that you want her to have toys, that's very kind BUT the baby isn't allowed toys in the highchair.

I couldn't leave my two alone together when ds2 was a baby and ds1 was just 2. He would bounce the chair too and pat baby on the head really hard. I used distraction and showed him what he could do. Eg. Tickle feet or tummy. Pull funny faces. He liked to help too.
3yo don't really get long term rewards systems. It's all about immediate gratification and distraction.

Oh yes, being very specific about what she can do to help also should help. Because when you say be gentle or you're being too rough, she doesn't know how to redirect it. Maybe have some specific toys that the baby can have and suggest she brings one of those over if she keeps putting inappropriate toys near her.

One of my earliest memories of my little sister is someone telling me she would probably like to hold onto my finger, so I used to put one finger in her fist and let her cling on to it. Of course I didn't know it was a newborn reflex, so I was thrilled and thought it meant she liked me :o

Remember lots of positive reinforcement too, ie when she is being gentle with the baby praise her for playing nicely