I think I've wrecked my kids ability to make friends. :(

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I have 4 children and they all struggle to make friends, I don't know why (which part of the process isn't clicking)

My 15 ur old son has special needs and spend a lot of time in hospital social isolated so he struggles because of that but loves other people, I think he can be a bit full on sometimes.

My 13 yr old is better, he has a small friendship group but outside of school there seems to be no meet ups, chatting, texting and no will too either.

My 7 yr old has a few friends but again, no party invites, no play dates, park invites etc.

My 4 yr old has just stated school and is coming home really sad saying she doesn't have anyone to play with, this has lead to lots of tears at bedtime. I will of course speak to the school to support all of the kids individually.

All 4 of them having issues is an obvious sign that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I was a lonely child with very little friends and I felt it hard as a teen particularly.

I have tried and tired to join in the school gate mum groups but for what were reason my polite small talk doesn't seem to be right and it's never gone further that that, I have said to a few would the like to go for coffee etc and there's always a polite bit awkward reason why they wouldn't.
I'm fine with that, as an adult I'm very introverted and I can cope, but my kids are suffering and it's killing me that I don't know how to help them.

I can't have kids at home for play dates, I have a tiny, tiny house that is full of medical equipment and my house of fraught with stress from too many people in too small a space and DS's issues mean he can be difficult at the best of times. I don't want another child to experience that, plus if I'm honest, all the other parents seek to have show home type houses and we live in a gritty council house. It's clean and tidy but I'm embarrassed by the fact that we don't have an eating space so we eat off our laps, we don't have a garden (we have a waterlogged swap out the back) our neighbours constantly scream at their kids etc.

I have no clue what to do for the best.

Would it be possible to concentrate on each child having just one friend? I mean maybe ask each child who their favourite child at school is and then offer to take said child to the local park/ soft play/ whatever? There are many people who never have friends to the house and the reasons are numerous. You have nothing to explain to anyone. It may well be that your children aren't used to lots of socialising if they have never really seen you do it but it takes all sorts of people to make this world. Baby steps and all that and good luck

It’s not your fault!!! Goodness me, you’re being v hard on yourself. Some kids are just not social animals, and it doesn’t sound as though there’s anything “wrong” per se, nor that you have done anything wrong either! They all sound very similar really, which is about right for siblings isn’t it?

You aren't doing anything wrong, so stop blaming yourself.

Yes speak to the school about your youngest as she's unhappy with the current status quo, but if the others aren't complaining, let them be, they may just be more introverted like you & will find their own tribe in time. You cannot force friendships & I have clear memories of my own DM trying to do this for my much younger self & hating her for it as I was quite happy with my own company, by 18 I had a big group of close friends, many of whom I'm still close to today

I don't want to utter platitudes but parents of young children DO judge other parents based on things like the house and garden. They want their kid to visit a clean, safe house with parents who are in control. Hence don't write off kids visiting for your youngest two kids. Is the kitchen or living room less cluttered with medical equipment and could it be used to host? If so, I'd ask around one nice parent (not queen bee!) and their child, and host them there. Bring out the stickers and glue sticks to keep the kids occupied while you have cakes and biscuits with the mum/dad. Keep it short and sweet, and be upbeat about life. If the parent enjoys themselves too, the news will go around that this is a nice normal home and hopefully your kids will start to be included. If you really can't host at home, in summer you can do park dates but that's harder in Winter.

At secondary that happens much less because the kids are independent and often meet away from the home. I've found that between 11-13 there is less meeting these days and more social media. Then at 14 they suddenly start going places like coffee shops, skate parks etc