Star of the Week issue

[hayley013]

DD is 5, in Year 1 at school. The school, along with her swimming lessons, have a 'star of the week' system which I understand and have no problem with.

However, recently, I dread a Friday of which if she doesn't achieve star of the week at school or swimming lessons, there are tears. I reinforce that it's great to celebrate other children's achievements too, and that she will get her chance, but it's every week now that she gets really upset.

How can I tackle this with her?

Maybe practice at home?
Star of the week for making the bed.
Explain it could be any member of your home.
Star of the week for best hairstyle.
Do yourself some bunches!
Make sure she wins a few but let her help celebrate you winning one!!
Hot chocolate with marshmallows or something she likes!!

It's a bunch of crap and I don't know what they're thinking, really. How can it be good to do this to kids? I'm not sure what I'd do but I think I'd say to her it's the system they're operating under, it's there to motivate people but it doesn't mean anything and she's beautiful and you love her and you identify with her frustration about this.

If they're choosing a different child every week, so that each child gets a chance every year to celebrate their achievements, I don't really see why it's a bunch of crap. However, I do think some kids find it hard.

Can you still down a bit more with her into what exactly upsets her about it? Is it because she's worried they'll forget to do hers? Or because she feels they got picked for it before her because they're "better" or the teacher prefers them? Or because parents get to attend and she's missing you when she sees others' parents there? Might be worth trying to find out exactly what it is about it all that's upsetting her, and then it's a bit easier to address. I also wonder whether the teacher might be able to have a quiet chat with her and just reassure her that's she's appreciated and they won't forget to do it for her.

Poor thing - hope you can get to the bottom of it.

There are going to be more children than weeks though.

That's not why it's a bunch of crap, though.

They do generally give everyone a chance to get it at both settings.

It's mainly her initial reaction of disappointment that she isn't the one that is chosen to receive the certificate. She gets over it quickly but cries in the moment and I feel it just destroys any positive she would've taken from the swimming lesson or good week at school.

I just never really know how to react, I am always telling her how proud I am of what she does, that effort in learning how to do things is the most important thing as she'll have new skills, and that I'm sure she will receive it at some point because she works hard.

Personally I don't like it. I see the benefits but don't see how they outweigh the negatives.

The issue here is that your dd can’t accept others getting an award instead of her. It’s very very common! She’s not yet learned to intrinsically get satisfaction from a job well done.
I understand why one pp advised setting this up at home, but that could just reinforce her distress when not receiving one at school. I’d minimise your reaction to her reaction, rather than trying to appease her when she’s upset. I’ve worked with lots of ASD kids who can react in the same way( not suggesting your dd is, or that all ASD kids do) and would use social stories around the issue so they eventually understand. When she starts to show signs of being pleased for the child that does receive it, THEN heap her with praise. Reinforce the behaviours you want to see and ignore those you don’t.

Jean all that's fine but so intense. Do you remember being a kid?

Thanks for your replies, and yes I do see everyone's point of view on it.

@Soontobe60 I agree that it's down to her not learning how to celebrate others yet, so I think I will go down the route of not responding so much to her complaint but to ask her who got it if it comes up and how great that is.

Thankyou, I think I was also looking to hear it's normal, as I have been focused on the fact she's the only one that comes out crying over it and I sometimes see it as her being unappreciative or selfish when really she's only 5

It is normal! And you can help give her the tools not to get sucked in to that battle.

Erm, why intense? Just a normal way of talking through with a kid why they feel sad about something, surely. Of course I remember being a kid, and I also have kids - and often there are quite specific underlying reasons for kids being upset about something, just as there are for the rest of us. OP asked for thoughts on how to tackle it: I gave mine.

OP, I should have said that I know loads of kids who've found this hard, and it HAS got easier for them!

I meant no offense. I just remember vividly people focusing like that about why this why that.

Oh sorry - it did sound a bit full-on, but obv I wouldn't have put it quite as brusquely to a five year old! I meant more "it seems to make you feel sad - can you tell me why?" kind of thing. Ironically, my memory of being a child is no one bothering to find out how I felt about anything, really, so we're prob both coming from different angles towards the same place

it is funny, we're all fucked, one way or another

Haha yes, it is very different times. I'm gonna start by not fussing over the upset, be happy for her friends that do achieve, and drop in the odd question to ensure there's nothing underlying. I'm hoping it's just another 'phase' that will settle. It's tricky at times bringing up these emotional wonderful little beings haha

No, your child's upset is real, as is yours, These things need listening to.