Lose/lose?

[scrapaja]

Is it better to work or be there for your kids?

I mean if work required you to sacrifice parents evening for example. My babies aren't in school yet and I'm a stay at home mum but since having darling twins, I want the best for them and my ambition is through the roof. I was ambitious in my 20s but a string of redundancies and a failed PhD had left me a depressed. My confidence is high right now.

Is it a lose/lose scenario as if you don't provide enough of what they need as they grow older they'll blame you, but if you're not there for them all the time when they need it , they'll blame you too.

Actually I think working is a win/win. I’ve found it’s a chance to use my brain, to do things I enjoy, have more balance in life, and have more time to myself. We are financially secure (realistically, unless you’re living off rich parents or on benefits, people
have to work to survive). And I don’t feel like I or my kids are missing out on anything. Either dh or I walk them to the school gate in the morning and one of us is there at 3pm every day. We stagger our hours and our days, so we never need extra childcare, except a few days over school holidays (we usually take off a few days but also work a few as well). We are both there for every school play, every parents evening (it’s today actually), every sports day. That’s what flexible working and annual leave is for.

Now it depends on the kind of work you do how much flexibility you have (dh is self employed and I’m an academic), but it really never has been an issue. We both enjoy our careers and are successful, but it’s not to the disadvantage of family life. We have really good balance. Also the balance means dh doesn’t miss out on these things. We can share the work of the school runs but he gets just as many afternoons home with them as me (wouldn’t be possible if he was the only one working supporting us all).

Another thing to think about is that life changes when they hit school age. When they are toddlers and you’re home, you get to spend the day with them. As 5 year olds, you’ll be alone 30 hours a week, then there will be clubs, play dates after school (that you’ll no longer hang around for), birthday parties that are all Saturday afternoon. You really don’t spend that much time with them anymore. I would think of how you can make the most of the time you do have but also what you’ll do for you in all that time without them. That might be work or if you can afford not to work, that might be something else, a new interest, degree, etc.

Thank you for your answer. Flexible working is the answer.

Would working part time be a solution for you?

I work part time, 3 days a week. DD is 8 months and I went back to work when she was 7 months. I’m working towards professional qualifications, I’m using my brain and I feel like I can get stimulated conversations.

My DD goes to a good nursery one day a week and an amazing childminder the other two days. She does things that I’d never have thought of doing with her if I had her on my own. I also am not relying on my husband financially.

There is a downside though. As I work part time, when I’m off if DD is too sick to go to daycare I feel like it impacts my work more. I also feel like I’m inconveniencing my work by being part time and that I’m not there enough.

I’m currently pregnant with DC2 and will go off maternity leave when DC2 is 7 months and will probably work 4 days a week when he or she turns 13 months.

I do worry about missing parents evening and sports days but DD has two parents so we can always alternate where possible.

My mother never worked but all my friends mums did growing up so I felt like a bit of an oddity.

Part time work is an absolute winner for me. I could not have been a stay at home mum. I work 3.5 days & I’m a better mum for it. Those 3.5 days, I get 8 hours of sitting down, talking to adults & doing my manager thing. I’ve got a very logical, problem solvy brain & boy, did I miss you using it on maternity leave! Babies/children are just the opposite, illogical and it’s hard to solve their problems! And the adult company, chat, lunch in peace & break from thinking about all things child.

I work, I get refreshed & I’m ready to be fun mum for the rest of the time! And I do still get valuable time with my daughter on the days I work. She’s up at 5am , so we cuddle in bed with some TV until we need to get up. Then I pick her up around 5pm and we go home and play, cuddle, have fun with a bath and stories at bedtime until 7.30ish! I so appreciate that time. Whereas sometimes on my days off, I’m counting the minutes to bedtime 😂

So far, between my other half & I, we’ve been able to juggle things like nursery parents evenings & events, illness etc, my work are thankfully very flexible.. illness is hard sometimes, you do feel guilty about one thing or another but it’s generally short lived!

Both working also means we are financially pretty stable. We can afford to do nice things at the weekend without worry etc.