Don't rub it on your clothes !!!

[TypicalMeBreakMyTypicalRules]

....use a cloth

^ I've realised is my current most used phrase. What's yours??

Fork, not fingers!
Tissue, not trousers!

She doesn’t want to be friends, leave her alone.
Despairingly, as my toddler chases the cat, jabbering and yelling, in increasing desperation to become best friends. Variations include “she’s hiding under the table because she’s scared of you”.

(Cat has plenty of toddler-free, treat-filled rooms that she can hide safely in, she just prefers to hang around near us.)

You're not the Manager here (to DH).

Stop licking the cat 🤦🏻‍♀️

Stop putting clothes in the wash after one wear

Have you done your homework?

Will you bring the plates / glasses / cups down out of your room? It looks like IKEA in there.

Stop shouting at your friend on XBox. He's not deaf.

'Will you get down from there' to my super agile 20 month old who is always climbing and 'get that out of your mouth' and 'stop licking that' with the that always being being the most dangerous thing possible to put in her mouth!!!!
'There's no magic nappy fairy' to my sah husband when sorting the reusable nappies AGAIN after he's failed to notice they need doing! He'll put them in the machine but the rest just seems to magically do itself as far as those nappies are concerned!!!

Not for babies
Don’t throw the toast/milkies/water/snacks
No biting people
Fingers out of my eye/ears/nose please
Gentle with the pusscat
Let Mummy do the straps up
Don’t pull Mummy’s hair
No hands in the nappy
Keep your shoes on
Mummy just needs ten seconds to get your dinner/empty the dishwasher/hang the washing out/hoover your food crumbs...please let Mummy have ten seconds....

When you write it all down you realise that you have in fact slowly become your own mother 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shut the door!
Leave the hsmster alone!
Stop fighting!

"Let go, let go, Ta Ta, let go"
"No eating faces, ow, no"
"Shuuush sleepytimes for babies"

Baby has a grip of iron, three teeth on the way, and a chronic case of FOMO. Being four months old is going great.

*Little spoons. Left to her own devices my toddler can eat her entire lunch in under two minutes - this is the stuff I dream off. Mum of reluctant eater

@wooya - that made my lol

Her best buddy is the same typical - massive sympathies, I've seen what his mum goes through to get some food down him.

Get your finger out of your nose?
Where should poos go? That's right, in the potty. (So why the fuck did you crimp it out in your pants/on the landing carpet, etc)

Don't wee on your brother's head!
Don't bite your brother!

Though I have to admit that's said to the dogs... [grin

@ninecoronas

We're just over the 'where do poos/wees go' one (and Did you poo? Where did you poo? Did a dog eat your poo?)

This week's favourites are 'get down from there' and 'I can't tell what you're saying when your mouth is full/you're mumbling/whining/talking like a baby'

Leave your brother alone

“Let’s see who can be silent the longest!” With dc1-4 aged 9-4

“No! SmallestBernards, do not squeal & tantrum at me for saying no, you are not having another biscuit/banana/yoghurt/apple” delete as appropriate, “Do not pull your brother’s/sister’s hair it is unkind”, “Be careful”, “Look another drain cover, let’s go to that one” the only way to maintain forward momentum while walking. All said to dc5(2) regularly.

Stop touching/grabbing (has to touch EVERYTHING)
Wait your turn please (interrupts everyone)
Take that out of your mouth
Sit still/stop dancing (is in perpetual motion from waking up till going to sleep. And then fidgets during sleep...)
Go and do that wee
Quietly please
Hurry up
Stop picking your nose
Use your Fork and spoon, not your hands (would try to eat soup with hands if we met her)
Walking!! (Ie not running)
Stop that please
Don’t do that, you’ll break your neck (budding Beth Tweddle, but is extremely hypermobile and has no sense of the limitations of the standard human body)
Put your listening ears on
Little mouse’s bites, please (ie don’t stuff your mouth so full you look like a hamster)

Less commonly used, but ones I thought would never need to say, ever....:

Don’t lick the floor (last time: in a hospital...)
Don’t lick the mirror
Don’t scrape the mud off the bottom of your shoes with your fingernails

Fuck me, that’s a long list. Either I need to wind my neck in and get off her case, or I should record some of these so I can just play them when necessary and save my voice....

I taught reception.

In the end I would periodically say ‘get that out of your mouth’ to no one in particular. About 5 faces would pop up and look guilty.

'Don't rest your balls on the toilet seat.'
'Hold your willy when you wee'
'Make sure it's pointing down'
'Is it stuck to your balls again? That's why you should hold it. You've weed all over the floor again'

To my four year old son, not my husband, I hasten to add!

“Shoes and coat!” Needs to be said at least five times (at ever-increasing pitch) to dreamy procrastinator DD before we can manage to get out the door. I was exactly the same as a kid, only now do I realise how irritating it must have been for my parents

To my DD who is 4.

Stop picking your nose!"
"Stop jumping on the sofa"
"Stop hitting your brother"
"Hurry up and get changed"
"Finish your breakfast/lunch/dinner/whatever snack is in front of them"
"Tidy up the toys"

'Excuse me!!'

CAREFUL!
You're alright or you'll be alright (very nervous ds)
No.
Because I said so.
Are you listening?
You're a monkey.