BF failure

[GingerBeverage]

I'm sad. I lost a lot of blood when they removed my placenta post birth (went into shock) so didn't have the crucial skin to skin feeding time when LO was first out.
Later on in the ward I bf but the latch was bad and he hurt my nipples. By the time it was corrected they were cracked and bleeding. The pain was intense but I persisted.
Then he got readmitted with jaundice and we had to supplement with formula and expressing.
Got home and after 2 weeks of struggling and being told it was my latch ("try a different position") by every midwife, we received a tongue tie diagnosis and he had the snip.
Still huge pain in the nipples with each feed but I pushed through, crying, and he gained back birth weight.
I thought it would get better but it hasn't.
I don't have enough time to express because he only sleeps in arms, and we're so desperate to stop him crying and rooting around that the formula is being used more often after I've bf, even though each time I have massive, massive guilt about it.
6 weeks and I don't know how much longer I can continue bf because it hurts me so much.
Just want to do the best for him, he's so precious to me but he's not an easy baby (very alert) and I'm feeling like a daily failure even though he is clean and fed and loved.

I could have written this (except we had skin to skin and I still couldn’t bloody feed him). Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried. It’s heartbreaking to fail but honestly putting my ds on formula is the best decision I’ve made.
I was distraught (had severe pnd) and hired every lactation consultant plus pumped for months (eve 2 hours). He’s thriving now and it’s because he’s fed and I’m not broken.
Give him a bottle with no guilt. You’re doing brilliantly.

Please please do not feel guilty formula feeding. This was me & it ruined the early weeks of motherhood for me. Looking back now with a thriving 2.5 year old, I wonder why on earth I let myself think like I did.

Being a new mum is hard. It sounds like you had a rough time, much like me. I was really poorly & readmitted to hospital post birth. I tried so hard to breast feed but we just could not work it out. I was spiralling into a very low mood & desperately struggling with life. My daughter had a terrible latch & was a poor feeder. I also had a really low supply of milk. I started to pump & mix feed. I did that for 6 weeks, then gradually stopped pumping & just formula fed. My daughter was so much happier with a full belly & I was so much happier she stopped fussing constantly & my other half could give me a hand!

The turning point in my guilt was going to a baby massage class at 8 weeks. I suddenly met lots of mums formula feeding unapologetically. Some had tried BF & stopped. Some chose formula from the start. No-one was critical for judgemental. It was a room of 10 women all choosing their own feeding path & getting on with being happy mums. It was the wake up call I needed to stop the guilt & get on with life.

Fed is best. Happy mum is best.

Sending love OP. Don’t beat yourself up. Just do what you need to do to enjoy your baby & new motherhood! 🧡

Is it your first baby? I had these problems with my first and powered through until he weaned. It was painful until the end. Same issues with my second and i gave in after 4 months. Its not worth the pain! You bond so much better with a bottle when not in pain. Its not your fault! You are not a failure!

Even if you switch to formula now, you've done phenomenally to get to 6 weeks - the benefits to his immune system will last far longer.

I could have written your post with some very minor changes, except that Dd never gained the weight back. I put so much pressure on myself to breast fead that even when she was asleep on a night, I was awake obsessing about it.
It ruined my first months of motherhood and I realised at 8 weeks that it was having a significant impact on my mental well being and how I felt about Dd.
When I (yet again) broke down on my lovely health visitor she said to me “you seem to need someone to give you permission to stop this. You don’t. And if you do, I am giving it to you. No one can say that you didn’t try.”

I am so thankful to her. I was desperate to do the right thing and the best for my baby and so worried about being judged.
Fed is best. My daughter was like a different baby once I made the change.

If you want keep going then I am sure that you will find a way to do it. I am in awe of anyone who struggles through.
But it is not worth making yourself feel bad about and if you decide to stop, you have not failed. You have made, what you think, is the best decision for you and your family.
Take care.

This was my situation exactly, I beat myself up so badly! Just feed the baby and love him and take him all in... they don't stay little for long. Formula is fine.
I put myself through hell trying to bf and I began to resent baby for causing such horrific pain, struggled to bond and got pnd. Luckily I had pretty much recovered when I had number two, switched her straight to formula on day 5 when it was clear it was going to happen again, and it was BLISS. Had no idea how easy I could have had it if I'd have stopped worrying the first time.

If you live in a country with constant access to clean water, formula and electricity to sterilise bottles you honestly shouldn't stress about finding breastfeeding too much. In five years you'll see a picture of your DC with their reception class and you won't know how any of those kids were fed. This isn't a poverty stricken part of sub-Saharan Africa where bottle feeding can be genuinely dangerous.

Please be kind to yourself and enjoy this magical time with your warm, clean, fed and loved baby. That's what matters.

(I actually moved to a country without clean water and formula etc when my DD was 6 weeks old, so I had no choice but to persevere despite cracked and bleeding nipples for months. I'd also had an awful delivery and it was really tough. I'd have switched to formula in a New York minute and not felt a moment of guilt if I'd had the option.)

You have done so, so, so well to make it to 6 weeks. That's bloody amazing. I can relate to a lot of what you said but I switched to FF after 5 days when I couldn't take it any longer. It was absolutely the right decision for me - DS got a few days worth of colostrum and now, at 12 weeks, everyone always remarks on how he's thriving. Like a PP, I go to a baby class where it's a mix of BF and FF and nobody cares either way. I have struggled to bond with DS and a lot of that is because of how miserable I was when I was trying to feed him.

Have you tried

Nipple shields
Lasinoh cream
Fresh air i.e. be topless /just a cotton top all day
Get a sling so you can pump while baby naps on you hands free
Get a good quality electric pump e.g. medela swing and electric steriliser to make expressing as easy as possible

You can exclusively pump to break the painful latch cycle.

You can also top up with formula as you are doing. Either with bf directly or with exculsively pumping.

For your supply are you
Drinking a large glass of water at every feed
Eating well and often i.e. calorific foods no dieting
Taking or eating supplements and foods known to increase milk production e.g. oats

You don't have to give up if you don't want to.

Where does all this constant guilt come from? Give him a bottle. He's being fed so what's the problem. I just don't understand why people want to make their lives so difficult because they are not following a prescribed formula. If the baby thrives on bottle feeding then you are successfully raising your child. Good grief. You wouldn't catch a man feeling bad about it. Cut yourself some slack woman.

Have you tried nipple shields?

Thanks for all the replies. Another week has gone by and I've struggled through the pain. We saw the nurse and she agreed it looked as if he had a white tongue coating, possible thrush, so we have medicine now. It certainly ties up with my symptoms and history too.
I continue to take fenugreek, drink lots etc. Nipple shields annoy him but we did try.
I'm looking forward to 8 weeks/2 months as mentally I feel I can 'let go' then.
What amazes me is that at each stage I have had to go out and seek the answers online, while midwives, nurses, HV and a private lactation consultant all blithely blame his latch.

Have you tried nipple shields? My friend had terrible problems with her match, but started using nipple shields and managed to feed her DS for about 8 months. Without them, she couldn’t have been able to carry on.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t feel guilty about tipping up with formula. I know everyone says that breast is best, and I’m not debating that it is. Both my dds were bf, but now they are teen and tween, I really can’t tell the difference in health, intelligence etc etc between them and my friends sons, who never had a single drop of breast milk.

So try and preserve if that’s what you want, it will eventually get easier, though it may not seem like it now. But don’t let the stress of it ruin these precious times with your newborn. If it’s just now working, switch to formula and enjoy your baby.

*latch

OP you've done so well. I had to supplement for day 6 because of jaundice and huge weight loss. Expressing is hellish, especially if like me hardly anything comes out. I jacked in the pumping and mix fed but was lucky that a tongue tie snip solved the pain issues. Do whatever lets you cuddle and enjoy your baby and makes him thrive. Pretty.much from when weaning starts, this will all matter a lot less than it does now, I promise. You are NOT a failure, you are your child's mummy and that is sooo much more than just feeding

Do you have a local infant feeding group, they are often supportive.
I came across a lovely comment the other day that we should change our language from "I only managed to breast feed for x weeks" to "I managed to breast feed for x weeks" and be proud of the achievement.

I had a very similar story with my first. drove myself mad over it, and fully embraced mixed feeding from 6 weeks, which I think allowed me to continue some breastfeeding til 4 months when we fully switched to formula.

He’s 4 now. You really wouldn’t know. No one cares and there’s no difference in health between him or his peers or his sister who was mostly breastfed.

Just do what you have to do!

For DC1 your story sounds about like my experience.

For DC2 I didn't beat myself up. I did morning and evening. Still hurt like fuck but at least only twice a day.

Update on this: my left breast is incredibly painful (even when not feeding) and I am almost exclusively expressing on it. Still going on right side for feeding, and mixing in formula 2-4 times a day.
I feel much better about it now, even if we switch to ff full time, so thanks.

You should feel proud that you've tried and gotten this far. Well done to you. Personally, I'm glad you've decided to add formula feeds. I had latch problems/tongue tie issues with my first. Switched to formula/bottle as soon as I realised he wouldn't latch onto my breast properly and there was talk of potential weight loss. Also, he would/could only drink from my left breast. I expressed milk for 6 weeks so I could feed him some breast milk too. I've zero regrets. The boy is a healthy weight and rarely gets sick. He is very bright and confident. If I'd have persevered with a 'breast is best, therefore I must continue by all means' mantra I'd have driven myself into a very dark place. He would not have deserved that.

This time (I'm pregnant) I'm going to do exactly the same. Even if baby's latch is fine. Since having my child, a few close and dear family and friends have ebf their children. It's not for me, and I'm not sorry for admitting that. I believe I've faced judgement because I've told them of what I plan to do and most have tried to persuade me otherwise. No I don't want your damn nipple shields. I see women beating themselves up about breastfeeding, then I look at my son and think it's all gone a bit nuts.

Fed is best. It's not as easy on the finances but it'll grow your kid fine.

I can sympathise with pretty much all of the pp feelings.
It’s a guilt like no other and I felt. I look at dd now (18 months) and I wonder why I felt so much guilt when milk was only a big factor for the first year of her life.

I know you said you had medication for his probable oral thrush, but are you treating your nips with it too? I've had thrush in the nipples when my daughter had it in her mouth & its so so painful & you can't really tell youve got it by looking at them... also has your midwife/HV checked that the tongue tie has healed ok as they can actually occasionally reattach themselves if they don't heal properly... Just some thoughts...