3yr old behaviour issues - help!

[Beeperbird]

We’re really struggling at the moment with my 3yr old and desperately need new ideas / advice!

His behaviour is just getting worse and worse - refusing to go to group activities he previously loved, refusing to play with friends he previously liked, screaming fits and tantrums if things aren’t exactly as he likes it, refusing most dinners (including ones he previously loved)
I’d say it all started about a month and a half ago and has been getting worse and worse.

My strategies so far have been time outs, talking to him, talking about the next days activities the day before and the morning of to give him some warning, giving him two or three choices to let him have some control, but nothing seems to be working.
I do get cross and frustrated with him, I have shouted I must admit when he’s really pushing things.

Our background - I’m a stay at home mum to two boys (3 and 1), my youngest is going through a very very clingy phase at the moment, we’re in the middle of moving house which is stressful for us all, he’s not been sick (as far as I’m aware), he goes to preschool three mornings a week.

At the moment I feel like I just can’t cope with him! My friends with children similar age don’t seem to be experiencing this on the same level as us and I’m out of ideas!!
Thanks in advance

I should say he’s also being really clingy with me too during this time

Anyone? Sorry if it’s a boring question!

Middle of moving house - what impact has it had on him? Are there boxes everywhere?

I don't have much advice sorry, but just wanted to empathise! DD1 turns three next month and behaviour is also getting a lot more challenging. She has a one year old sister too. I do feel that as her sister becomes more of a person, she's viewed as more of a threat....

Ear ache??

Sorry no real experience yet, ds only 10 weeks but how about a sticker chart where good behaviour is rewarded with something really exciting to your dc? And make a massive fuss every time you get to add a sticker. Let the first target only be one sticker, the another 2, then 4 or something so it's not constant!

@Preggosaurus9 he was upset when we first put the house on the market about 9 months ago (lots of viewings) but has been excited about it recently as move day is hopefully in a week. There are a few boxes around yes, do you think it could be referred anxiety then about the move?

@Readytogogogo ah yes it’s hard isn’t it?! I was wondering if it’s because his brother is way more interactive now and demanding my action by screaming so maybe he’s copying!

@Cathpot no earache that I’ve noticed, and he’s normally pretty good with telling me about aches and pains as he loves calpol!

@kyles101 that is a good idea and we have tried it in the past for small things (like brushing his teeth etc)... it’s hard as it seems to be everything at the moment is a tantrum 🤦🏻‍♀️ Maybe I should go back to stickers and take it one little thing at a time... thanks!

Reduce the choices. He needs certainty and clear boundaries so he can feel secure. We moved abroad when DS was 4 and made it an adventure by telling him what was happening and lots of positive reinforcement about how wonderful things are/will be.

Yes I would say it's the move unsettling him. I agree that he will need certainty during this time, rather than choices, and understand that him reacting with tantrums or aggressive behaviour to choices he doesn't like is basically him getting his uncertainty/anxiety about the move out - he isn't doing it consciously, but moving is very stressful for everyone and he will be picking up on this.

Ignore as much as you safely can. He won't starve himself even if he doesn't eat - just take the food away, saying something like "Oh you must not be hungry DS, OK, no problem." but be sure to offer a meal about every 4 hours, a snack about every 2 hours so it's never too long until he has the next opportunity to eat. Stick to really easy win foods that he usually likes and nothing adventurous or difficult. It doesn't matter if his diet isn't quite as healthy as normal in the short term. For actual tantrums validating the feeling can help so you say back to him the emotion he's expressing "Oh it must have been disappointing to have the green plate instead of blue." But you don't have to give in. You can still present the green plate as a done deal.

When you can't ignore something (perhaps if he's been destructive or if you can feel yourself about to boil over so you need to stop it in its tracks) you want to do a dual thing where you say "I see you're feeling really angry about that. I won't let you kick people." For some reason it's less invalidating if you don't use "but" between the two sentences. Just preventing him from doing the destructive thing (by holding him still or removing him from the area if need be) should be enough, there is no real need for an enforced time out as well unless you need a minute to breathe.

The LO is probably picking up on the general atmosphere as well. Don't panic - all will smooth out once you get settled in the new house - not immediately but in time. For the short term, easy wins, lowered expectations, kindness (to them and yourself), if you do shout just apologise and move on.

I really like the Janet Lansbury parenting stuff and I think this is useful: www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/exhausted-by-a-whiny-cranky-child/

I have a 3 year old dd - bright and funny but demanding, stroppy and naughty. We have our ups and downs, not an easy age....

Firstly I'd say send him to preschool for more mornings to give yourself a break! My DD now goes 5 mornings and one afternoon, it helps me even if it doesn't improve behaviour.

We recently introduced a button jar (quite a small jar, fits around 20 buttons. She gets a button for things like getting ready without a fuss in the morning. And loses buttons for not listening/being naughty. Once the jar is full she gets a small reward. Some would say you shouldn't take buttons out but I personally feel that it helps with my DD. It really works....

Let's hope it's just a phase!

@BertieBotts Thankyou, really interesting perspective and lots to think about!

@BertieBotts thanks, really interesting perspective and lots to think about.
The more I think the more I agree it must be the move, we’ve all been on edge and he’s so in tune to my and my husbands emotions it can’t be easy for him.