18th birthday regrets

[Silbury1967]

We have never had much money when our kids were growing up and when it came their 18th birthdays they just had a slightly more expensive present but we went out for a celebration meal on top which we never normally did.
Now I look back and feel mean for not spending more at the time, even though I know we didn't have two pennies to rub together. I read so many posts on here about people spending hundreds on their kids birthdays and feel like this was just one more way I let my kids down!

I don't remember what I got for my 18th from my parents - it wasn't much. I don't think about it at all because it's irrelevant. Don't worry.

There is zero correlation between the money you spend on your kids and how much you love them.

So what if your neighbour spent £650non their 3yo birthday and you spent £6.50. Doesn’t mean anything

I can't even remember what I got for my 18th, I really wouldn't worry about it!

I will probably buy a special present for my DS's milestone birthdays but we're not rich and it certainly won't be costing hundreds of pounds

Sounds lovely to me. I really wouldn't waste any time feeling guilty about this!

Our children’s friends had very variable celebrations. Most had similar to you a single twenty one tend shop to be the bigger celebration.
Our youngest was in Switzerland working for hers. We gave her present and had a meal when she came home. It was her choice.
I’m not sure I remember the others eighteenths.

Don't worry about it - your kids probably haven't given it a second thought. For my 18th (approx 20 years ago), I received the smallest and cheapest food processor available from Argos. It cost less than £25. I loved it and thought it was a fantastic present. It was a heart-felt gift that my mum knew I would like. The value did not matter... and it still works now. I wouldn't have appreciated a car or any other high value gift as I would have known that it would have put my parents into debt.

My mother died when I was 17 and my siblings pooled what little money they had to buy me a pocket watch for my 18th as my mum had bought them watches for their 18th. The pocket watch didn't cost much (nor did their watches - mum didn't have much money) but it means the world to me.

I'm telling you this because I know from speaking to people that generally they don't remember the gift they got for their 18th so I think what matters more is that you gave your children your time and attention.

@CherryPavlova are you in the UK? If so, 21 is definitely not a bigger celebration!

My 18th was last year and I went on holiday. My parents paid towards the accommodation and probably would have spent the same you'd spent for your children by the sounds of it. I had a brilliant birthday and I'm sure your children did too as they probably have really great memories of their birthdays

No idea what I got for my 18th. But I do remember my ‘party’ which was a group of friends in a pub. I organised it myself. Great memories of that, actually.

You need something more important to worry about.

AmIThough yes uk. South East. Definitely in my world twenty one is bigger. My youngest turned twenty one this year. She’s been to huge parties all over the place. Eighteenths were never a big deal because they have usually left school and are travelling or have exams looming.

I can remember lots of the children’s friends twenty firsts but barely any eighteenths. They tended to be much lower key.

I've no idea what I got for my 18th (20 years ago!). I went to a party at a friend's house and snogged a boy I fancied, that's my entire recollection of the event!

Ahh lovely, please don’t think like that. My parents didn’t lavish me with insane presents or parties etc when I hit 18, I got a beautiful necklace (which I think was £150) but it meant the world it me and I still treasure it now (in fact we were burgled a few years ago and when I realised they didn’t take it I was elated!!!). I know how much my parents loved me and that money was actually a bloody lot to them when they were working overtime every day just to make ends meet. I’d hate to think they thought the way you did. Things and wealth are not an indicator of love!!

We did similar for my 18th and I remember it fondly; to be honest I was more fussed about celebrating it with my friends so I really wouldn’t worry

I have no idea what gifts I got for my 18th birthday but I do remember my parents taking me out for dinner with my siblings. I can't tell you what I ate either as it was the memory of all being togetger that stuck rather than the small details.

When I was 18 we had a meal out, but I didn't get a more expensive present than usual. It's not something I have ever thought about, to be honest, and I certainly wouldn't start thinking badly of what my parents did just because I'd heard about some spoiled little horror having thousands spunked on the party of the century and a brand new car.

Thanks for the lovely replies. I also feel guilty that our son got a much smaller present than his siblings as he was working then and had already bought himself whatever he wanted. I had no idea what to get him at the time so just bought him something small that he had been after. I'm beating myself up that I didn't spend roughly the same amount on all of them. Does parental guilt ever end?

No need for regret, it sounds lovely. I experienced a whole range of 18th’s back when my friends & I all reached that age. My parents took me for dinner at my fav restaurant (not fancy, just a fab local Italian), I had a small family party and went for dinner with 10 of my closest mates (they paid). Suited me to the ground, I hate parties for myself. Through the year, I went to huge, elaborate parties, small parties, dinners & quiet gatherings at peoples houses for my wide array of friends at college. I never felt jealous or wished I’d done something else. I just enjoyed all the fun times with my friends! By 18, I fully appreciated my parents didn’t earn a huge amount & was just grateful for their love & support!

I’m sure your Son doesn’t even think about it! Your parental support to him as a young adult will be so much more important. Thank goodness for mine, they’ve supported me through a bad break up, changing career 3 times, not having a job for a while, moving in with them again twice temporarily (plus my two cats). Please don’t feel guilty about the past, you can’t change it anyway!

It just seems wrong that I didn't treat him the same as his siblings

Does that matter, though, OP? The key to happiness isn't treating people exactly the same - it's giving each person what they want.

i guess so. i did ask him today if he felt let down by having such a small present and he said no, it was perfect as he got exactly what he wanted and enjoyed the trip out with the family so much 💙💚💛

Well then, what more could you ask for than 'exactly what he wanted'? .

true, i guess if i'd have bought him something else or a bigger present it wouldn't have been appreciated so much 😕

Bigger/more expensive isn't always better! I bet you can think of lots of expensive gifts that you'd have no use for all - I certainly can.

Def not about the money you spend. My SIL spends lots of money on her kids but it’s all material and they don’t make memories. They get so much toys and latest gadget that they are spoilt for choice and hardly get excited. It has made me conscious to not spoil the kids and to spend more time with them doing fun and inexpensive things. I’m sure your kids look back and think they had a great childhood.