Becoming a mother when your mother was extremely abusive

[ArthurandJessie]

Hi everyone ,

I was over the moon to find out I was pregnant. My husband and I really wanted children and we were so blessed to have it happen. I'm only 9 weeks in and I've just had a massive panic that I'm going to be no good :(
My mother was extremely emotionally abusive and very neglectful. She would tell me from a very young age she never wanted me and often told me to 'drop dead' , left my father for an abusive relationship with a woman ( who was also physically abusive to me) then when she'd got bored of me sent me to live with my Grandmother whose partner was sexually abusive ( and then did nothing when she found out and allowed me to live there for years longer)
Now I would never let any of these things happen to my children and I have really pushed myself to make a better life for myself. I got a degree, emigrated and lead a really stable and happy life with my husband. I'm just scared because I never experienced proper love or a good relationship with my mother I will be lacking something somehow for my children.
Has anyone else felt like this?
Can I hear your postive stories ?

Thank you :)

Firstly congrats on your pregnancy :)

Having a not dissimilar background to you I was worried about becoming a mum and whether I would repeat the mistakes of my mum.

However DS is having a completely different childhood to me thankfully, one full of unconditional love and support.

I did suffer with PND for the first 12-18 months and found it hard to bond but I went with the 'fake it till you make it' approach and thankfully DS was too young to know it was faked at the start. I found that using a carrier rather than a pram really helped as he was having lovely snuggles most of the time.

Our bond did grow and now we couldn't be closer. I adore DS with every fibre of my being and he loves me so much too. I love waking up in the morning and him holding my face and telling me he loves.

I have found having DS incredibly healing. For the first time ever I have experienced unconditional love and I now realise how powerful it is. It can be hard knowing how you feel about your own child and wondering why your parents didn't feel that way to you but overall having DS has been the best thing I have ever done and I believe that I am a good mum.

Congrats on your pregnancy! I'm 9+4 too :)

My mum had a bad relationship with her mum and there was physical and emotional neglect. It left my mum quite a harsh person to the outside world but me and my 2 siblings have known nothing but pure, unconditional love from her. She made sure she was the total opposite to her own mother. She would do anything for us has always been there through thick and thin. I think when you know you don't want to be like someone you make a conscious decision to not be. I'm sure all will be fine and you'll be a fab mum x

I agree APD every single day I find myself making conscious decisions to do things differently. Sometimes I am probably too soft but I would rather that than be too harsh.

Ime when your dm is crap it's relatively easy to be the opposite with your own dc...
I have adult dc who tell me I am a decent dm!! Even teen dc are complimentary...

Congratulations!!!!!!

Because of you history and the fact you've overcome it means you will be a fantastic mum.
Remember we all learn skills over time to be good parents... You will too!
Do you have any other good mums in your peer group. Use this time to look at how they interact with their children, phrases used etc and pick out the things you like to do with your child.
Congratulations!

Congratulations. I've got a 4 year old and a 16 month old. My "d"m was very fond of telling me she wished I was a cot death statistic, putting my playpen in the bathroom and locking the door from the outside until I screamed myself to sleep and leaving the country whilst I was at school (df was in the military, we lived abroad for most of my childhood). She's only ever been a mother in the sense she gave birth to me. When I was raped and went to her for support (stupid me, should have known better) she told me it served me right for being such a whore and that all my family would disown me if I put her through the shame of a trial.

It hasn't been easy but I knew from the start I didn't want to be my mum. I didn't want my children afraid of my mood, tiptoeing around trying to be the adults. I think support helps, I dragged myself out as soon as I could to make friends. The psychotherapist I saw between my children said that being aware of the negative elements of your childhood was one of the surest ways to avoid making the same mistakes yourself.

Hi Op, many congratulations on your pregnancy, my mother was very abusive to me too, I felt like you when I was pregnant and when my child was born. I was scared that I'd repeat the cycle with him. As pp said it hurts when you have your own and you realise just how bad a mother she was. I also made a conscious effort to not behave as she did to me.
My child is now over 40 and has his own two children, he's a fantastic father, his wife says so too so not just my biased opinion. When I watch him with his children and I think to myself, I did it, I managed to break the cycle. So trust me, it can be done.
Wishing you well for the future

Thank you so much for all your comments! Reading through them all has really reassured me ! Well done to all you amasing mums breaking the cycle ! I feel so excited now to give my kids all the love and support I never had :D

It makes you break the cycle and you do everything you can to make sure your own children have the best childhood you can give them.

The unconditional love you feel for your children is overwhelming and amazing but it makes you think how could they do it? If that makes any sense?

You’ll be a fab mum

Another one with an abusive mother here, OP. I used her as a role model of how not to parent.
I learned what love is from my darling DH, who was a wonderful hands on father to our two babies.
Sadly he died while they were still in nappies, but I did my best to raise them as he would have wanted.
They’re 29 and 30 now, and both say they had a loving childhood. I adore them both, and we have a great mum/daughter relationship, see each other regularly and still have holidays together.
It’s perfectly possible to break the abuse cycle - just care for your DC, have fair boundaries and sensible rules, and make sure they always know that they are loved.
God bless, and I’m sure you’ll be fine!

My mum was an alcoholic and had schizophrenia and was very abusive. She died in March this year and I finally feel like I’m getting to start over. I have two children aged 16 and 7 and I find I enjoy and love every moment with them and because I know what it’s like to have an awful childhood I am able to provide them with the exact opposite and bomb them with love.