How do you ensure your baby/toddler is safe at nursery?

[FTMF30]

My DC started nursery when he was 1. He has good and bad days but still quite often cries when being dropped off (he's been going for close to 5 months now).

I sometimes get paranoid that something bad happens to him when he's there. This has been heightened by a new male member of staff starting who seems over friendly. My DS is in the baby room and he works in toddlers. I think my paranoia is a result of my own childhood.

Anyway articles like this www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/05/devon-nursery-closes-amid-child-sexual-abuse-investigation
make my stomach turn.

How do you ensure your child is safe at nursery when they're not yet able to speak properly? Obviously the nursery assure me he is fine and I can't voice my unreasonable suspicions. I'm aware that would be an awful thing to do to someone who may be completely innocent. I just can't help constantly worrying while my DC is there. Any tips?

Well you can't. The only think you can do is seek treatment for your anxiety AND be aware of the signs of abuse.

Sudden, extreme changes in behaviour, unexplained marks...

thing not think.

Goodness, either you’ve picked a dodgy nursery or you perhaps need to speak to someone about your anxiety. It’s never crossed my mind that anyone in our nursery would hurt my daughter. They are all a lovely bunch of staff, I love our nursery.

There are several male nursery staff at my daughters nursery & they are just like the women. They care, cuddle & look after my daughters needs. My little girl loves Phil in her room. She runs to give him a hug in the morning and they are often playing together when I pick her up. I think it’s fantastic to see men wanting to work with young children and they are such positive role models that you can do any job you want to the children.

One - is your nursery fully registered & ofsted inspected? What is the ofsted rating? Have you heard of any concerns at all regarding the nursery in the community? Our nursery for example is highly regarded in the area, I asked around before choosing it.

Two - is your little boy OK during the day once you’ve left? Do nursery report he’s happy & sociable? Have you seen his learning journey & photos of him happily playing? Is he happy when you pick him up? Some children are very sensitive to leaving parents.. crying at drop off is quite normal, he’s not been there that long & is young if he’s in the baby room. My daughter cried for a good couple months but I watched through the window after I left and she stopped once she couldn’t see me! She’s 2.5 now and runs into nursery and tells me to go to work 😂

Three - all childcare staff must be CRB checked. You could double check your nursery are doing this?

Four - if there was anything suspicious going on, you are looking for unusual marks, bruising on their bodies. Strange behaviour at home..

If you really cannot trust the nursery you’ve chosen, then switch. Find one that’s got a decent ofsted & reputation and then really, there’s little to worry about.. stop reading about worst case scenarios, there are thousands & thousands of nursery across the country. 99.9% of those are providing safe & good care to children

I'm really sorry about what happened to you in childhood that is making you feel this way. There's a high likelihood that your DC will have male carers, teachers, group leaders all the way through their education and the chances of them being a victim of abuse are very small. Although, as PP said it is possible so always good to be alert to signs and teach them about their personal safety when they get older e.g. NSPCC pants rule. In the meantime I'm wondering if you could access some help to deal with your paranoia/past.

Thank you for your responses.

I think the main thing thst makes me worry is that I was really ready to embrace tge nursery experience as a parent. I wanted to love the nursery and see my DC thrive there. It's only been a few months but I feel a bit deflated. I don't get much feedback (in my opinion) on how he's got on in the day, unless i ask. Otherwise it's routine stuff - how long he's napped, whether he ate all his lunch, etc.

I'm very aware i suffer from anxiety as I also went through a stage of being extremely concerned about his health. However, I don't know how to separate anxiety from reasonable concern and that's my problem. I'm also quite introverted and I've found it difficult to build arapport with the nursery staff, which I really want to do.

I think I'll feel better overall when DC is able to talk.

Thank you all for your thoughts though, it has made me realise I do need to have a look at getting help for my anxiety. It's something I've found hard to admit i have.

OP, it’s hard when you are shy or more of an introvert for sure. Both my partner & I are quite shy and I know I find it hard to make conversation sometimes. It’s a shame they aren’t a little more open at your nursery. I know ours are super friendly, they offer up information without us having to ask really. I think at a minimum, they should be telling you what he’s enjoyed doing that day. We get a little feedback sheet every day, tells us about naps, food & a couple lines about the day. Just a basic ‘A enjoyed painting with leaves today, splashing in puddles & playing with the dolls’ .. sometimes they’ll elaborate if we happen to speak to the person she was splashing in the puddles with etc.

I’m guessing your DS has a keyworker? Are you able to sit & have a little chat about your worries or even email if that’s easier? I’m sure she’d understand your worries about your son remaining upset on drop off & hopefully might be able to reassure you?

I would say, as a nursery worker in another life, some settings don’t suit all children. Some children prefer smaller nurseries & some thrive in large ones. Some children find separation hard until they are quite a bit older. It was common for children in the baby & toddler rooms to cry on drop off but by the 2/3/4 rooms, much less crying! If you are anxious and worried about nursery, he’ll feed off that as well.

I hope you can get some support OP. It’s a good while before talking is at a level he’ll be able to tell you about his day.. my DD is 2.5 and we are now at the sentence stage. So you don’t want to suffer for so long if you can get some help now

Thanks @Bol87. He does have a key worker but that's another thing that bothers me. She is often not there at drop off or pick up and it makes me wonder how useful she is as his key worker. I think the onus is on me to be more inquisitive DCs day with the staff when I collect him.

I’m a key person and I do shifts either 7.30-4.30 or 9 am till 6pm, so I don’t always see parents on drop off or pick up but I’m far from useless as a key person!

Just because you don’t see them, doesn’t mean they are not doing a great job and keeping your baby safe
Thing is, you either trust the nursery and the staff or you don’t
I would advise to just talk to them and build up a rapport and a relationship with them and you will feel better

@insancerre Sorry, didn't mean to offend. And i should have actually put she's often not there at drop off AND pick up. I understand shift work and appreciate people have lives. But I hardly get the chance to casually speak to her. If I contact her outside of drop off/pick up time, it feels as if I'm making an issue of something.

I just haven't been able to build up the relationship with the nursery that I would have liked.

When looking at nurseries I ask about safeguarding procedures. Things I like are:

1. Two staff going in at the same time for nappy changes / the changing room is open ie no lockable door / set time limits for nappy changes / counting nappies so staff are aware of each child’s normal amount of changes.

1. A clear policy on foods that are choking hazards. I don’t want these foods to be readily available to a child who might not be ready for it yet.

1. 1-2-1 supervision when near stairs or in open areas

Hello just want to say my mum had a terrible childhood so therefore has always been that bit more cautious with us kids and worried about us when younger. All I can say is it will get easier for you. Mine are not in nursery so can't comment on how I would deal with it sorry.

@ FTMF30 I could of written this post 3 years ago when I went back to work. I too suffer from anxiety due to childhood experiences and really worried about something terrible happening to my daughter and me being unable to prevent it. With regards to nursery I do think it's key to have at least one member of staff that you have a great repor with and feel you are able to talk to. I do think you should try talking to a member of staff about what it is that you want - to be given more information on activities, daily routine ect. As nursery will try their best to accommodate your request. It took time for me to build this relationship with my daughters nursery and also an acknowledgement on my part that I can be very closed off - relationships are a two way street . My daughter loves it there now and I wouldn't want her anywhere else. I do advise to seek some kind of help for the anxiety you will not regret it and it can really start to give you a much more positive outlook on life . Good luck x

In this day and age I too worry about child abuse, sexual or otherwise. I'm a single mum who doesn't date in case a prospective partner is more interested in my daughter. I think many of us have these worries but all you can really do is watch out for signs and a young child crying when left is completely normal/ natural even. I agree with the mums who think you would benefit from a professional's advice about your past and present/future concerns. On another note you don't seem too pleased with the current nursery in general. You can read ofsted reports online for nurseries in your area and see if any of these offer a more suitable environment to your needs and think about switching. My daughter's nursery offers a secure camera viewing app so I can log in at random for 30 mins per day and spy on my LO. This brings me a lot of comfort and reassurance and also helps me feel part of her day. Perhaps you could suggest this technology to the manager of your current nursery?