Father of child hardly helps

[hannjocelyn]

I have a 7 month old and his father and myself are still together (not married). But he hardly ever helps me with him, he moans when I ask him to feed him, hardly ever changes a nappy, CONSTANTLY SITS ON HIS PHONE. When he cries or moans he just says shh.

I panic when I have to leave baby with him incase something happens or my baby gets in a state.

Any ideas what I can do? I've told him so many times to help me. He always says hes tired from work but he doesn't understand looking after a baby all day..

Just give him things to do. He is tired from work outside the home you are tired from looking after the baby. You both work. So when he gets home childcare and chores should be split 50/50.

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation. Are you going back to work after maternity leave? What will he do then?

I can't believe you have let this go on for 7 months.

@AmIThough I have spoken to him quite a few times trust me, and he does it for a while and then slowly slips back into his old way. I mean we currently live with my mum so she does help me but it's not her responsibility it's his. I mean don't get me wrong she loves helping me but he should be doing what she does.

@Lentilbug I do give him jobs to do and that's when he moans so I just do it myself cause I don't want the baby in a wet nappy, or I just feed him myself and skip eating myself

@AmIThough I don't know what I'm doing about work yet, I still got a few months to decide

You shouldn't have to do this but what happens if you say "Dave, LO needs a nappy change - it's your turn" or "Dave, LO is upset. Can you find out what's wrong please?"

Or just go out for a couple of hours.

And stop thinking of it as helping but as 'parenting'

Leave him with the baby for the day to see what it’s like and he’ll be begging to go back to work.

Can you set up a routine so he knows what he has to do and when. For example my hubby always does the morning feed and entertains him for an hour before work while I get ready. He does bathtime / bedtime feed too and as soon as he comes in from work is daddy playtime for 30 minutes.

Set something up so it’s the same each day.
You shouldn’t have to ask him. It’s 50% his responsibility. And he should want to spend time with his son!

Talk to him. Also smash up his phone!!

Leave him with the baby for the day to see what it’s like and he’ll be begging to go back to work.

This my DH got cross when DC was three weeks old and said the house was a state and I wasn’t getting anything done. I had a difficult birth and midwife said to just potter around the house for 6 weeks, so I couldn’t even get out etc.

He had the baby for an evening and was surprised how little he could get done. I told him to have a go and he attempted to continue working with baby on his lap. He soon realised....

OP who cares if he moans. They're just useless noises coming out of his mouth. Get some ear plugs. Just keep repeating it: "it's your turn now". If you've fed and changed the little one take yourself somewhere for an hour or so. Take a bath. It will get easier and you'll be able to have more and more time to yourself.

OP I mentioned this thread to my husband and he disagrees with my advice to you so here's his: he thinks your husband hasn't had a chance to properly bond with your baby. It could be that he feels he is playing third fiddle to you and your mum so is opting out instead.

Husband suggests that you gently bring him into a routine (like a PP has suggested) and also get your mum on board to help him. It could be that he doesn't feel confident and is too proud to say anything.

gently bring him into a routine

What is he, a toddler?

I'm sorry, OP, he's being shit. I would tell him very clearly that he is a father now, he needs to actually care for his son, and if he keeps on opting out of everything he's going to have zero relationship with his own child growing up. Carve out a few tasks that are Daddy's job by default, like bathtime or breakfast or something, and just be really matter of fact about the routine things. "I changed the last nappy, this one's your turn." "I'm tired from work!" "I changed the last nappy. This one's your turn."

(and if he honestly does feel like he hasn't bonded with the baby, then the best way to fix that is to do things to care for the baby, not sit around on his phone complaining.)

What 53rdWay said ^^

I reminded my husband that the baby has two parents. He would come in from work and announce his evening plans, I would say that maybe I had plans. Now we check in with each other.