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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unfair to my son?

31 replies

auntysocial · 17/08/2007 20:52

My son has confidence problems and is currently seeing a councellor through the school to help him with this.

He has few friends due to being "different" from other boys, not as rough for instance.

He is bullied pretty routinely by various boys at school because he does not stick up for himself.

He spends all his free time on the PC chatting on forums or playing games, up until recently he was getting little excerise.

I decided enough was enough and I started taking both my kids swimming every tuesday night, I also enrolled my son in karate class (for the 3rd time, he has quit 3 times already and quite taekwondo once too).

This time I told him that if he joined he would be staying for a year at least, he agreed.

Anyway he went last monday and said he liked it but was not too impressed with getting beaten in every sparring matches he had, I explained that this would happen if he stands there and doesnt defend himself or counter attack!!

I asked him if he was going to continue going and he said yes, he wants to reach black belt this time.

He's just been again for his second lesson and again came out chatty and told me about a new friend he'd made...but then told me that he'd again been beaten in all of the sparring matches. I told him that this was why I enrolled him in the first place, to teach him how to defend himself.

I asked if he was going to continue and this time I got "umm probably" as a reply.

Deep down I think he wants to quit again, he's lazy and misses the time he spends on the pc. Thing is there are so many benefits to karate, especially for a kid like him that I'm really determined not to let him quit this time. I never thought I'd "make" my kids do a sport though and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

He's still saying he wants to continue but I'm sure he's only saying it for my benefit. I asked him if he would like to go to an extra class on wednesdays (this would make it 3 times a week karate training) and he gave a straight and instant "No".

It's just lazyness with him, I know it is...should I stop asking him so many questions and just treat the classes as routine giving him less chance to moan about it or let him quit (again) if he wants to?

Pretty soon I need to buy the suit and license so this is another factor to consider.

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WanderingTrolley · 17/08/2007 20:54

I'd ask him to choose his own sport/activity.

Hathor · 17/08/2007 20:56

Sounds like karate is not his thing. If you can find a sport or physical activity he likes to do then encourage him to join a class/club - it will boost his confidence to do something active that he finds enjoyable.
Good idea to try and get him off the PC and into the real world.

cousinsandra · 17/08/2007 20:59

get him to choose something halfway - eg gymnastics. Perhaps he feels he shoudl be doing it as you keep returning him to it ( not being mean, but I know I latch on to anything ds shows any interest in). If he feels physically intimidated, this sort of activity is totally counter productive. What about life saving, or scouts or something a bit less macho?

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MaureenMLove · 17/08/2007 20:59

How old is he?

meandmy · 17/08/2007 20:59

the more lessons he has the better he will get! his sparring partners have probably been there a while so keep encouraging him

harpsichordcarrier · 17/08/2007 21:02

yes, I agree about getting him to choose his own thing. not everyone wants to do this kind of physical activity. and not every boy wants or needs to have to defend himself
what does he want to do? what does he enjoy? what about an instrument? scouts?

Original poster

auntysocial · 17/08/2007 21:02

I took him to scouts and he quit because he didnt like the shouting.
I asked him to choose a sport of his own and he said rugby so its not as if he's shying away from the macho thing (he starts rugby next sunday) and the annoying thing is, he is improving in karate very well and he's quite good at it, its just the actual sparring thats putting him off but one of the boys that he's made friends with goes to his school and has told him he will "coach" him (I'm hoping this doesnt mean he will pick fights with ds at school however).

I just want him to give it a proper go because I know its all because he "cant be bothered" and because he'd rather be on the PC but when he's there he seems to enjoy it until it comes to sparring.

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 17/08/2007 21:04

lol at didn't like the shouting
if he doesn't like the sparring, then tbh he doesn't like karate.

Original poster

auntysocial · 17/08/2007 21:05

He needs to be able to defend himself because at school he is treat like a rag doll, dragged around, pushed over and hit for a laugh by the other kids, DS just stands there and laughs and sometimes plays along rolling around on the floor while they kick him and dive on him, its so frustrating to watch. (I've been in about bullying too many times to remember but its not just the school, the same thing happened when I let him play out with the local kids etc)

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 17/08/2007 21:06

I don't think teaching him to physically defend himself is the answer, tbh.

cousinsandra · 17/08/2007 21:07

as long as he doesn't see giving up karate for gaining PC time, then you should be able to gauge what he's into- if he thinks by giving this up that he will be able to get equivalent time on PC then that's the prob. - Tell him Sat 3pm (you know what I mean) is the time for an activity and he can choose it - as long as PC isn't involved.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/08/2007 21:08

hmm, god I don't know auntysocial, I don't really think teaching him to fight back will help. I think he just needs to find another group of friends. I mean, does he really want to hang around with people who behave like that? do you want him to?
how old is he?

oregonianabroad · 17/08/2007 21:08

Ouch! that's gotta be hard for both of you. It might be something that he'll grow out of tho?

Original poster

auntysocial · 17/08/2007 21:09

he's 8.

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 17/08/2007 21:13

does he enjoy music? would he like to learn an instrument? that can be be very confidence boosting.
imo I would concentrate on building up his confidence rather than teaching him to be physically aggressive. not all boys are like the boys you describe, surely. he needs to be able to walk away and extricate himself from those situations.
sorry if you think I am being unsympathetic, I am really not.

oregonianabroad · 17/08/2007 21:15

It sounds like he needs activities that will build confidence, not necessarily physical strength, imo. if the karate is making him feel good about himself, great; but if sparring is making him feel like a loser, well, that's counter-productive, isn't it?

cousinsandra · 17/08/2007 21:15

agree with harp that something that he enjoys/boosts confidence is better than actually trying to teach him to fight back - dh can vouch that those kind of stand offs never work; there's always some nutter with nothing to lose. Perhaps his teachers can help you clarify what he's into??

MaureenMLove · 17/08/2007 21:18

So, he's going into year 4 I guess. I understand that you are worried about the bullying aspect, but don't you think that maybe you are pushing too hard? And the harder you push, the further away from sport he's going to get. Would it not be better to let him just be, whilst he's at junior school? Thing is, they change so much during the last few years at primary, you might find he finds some sport he's interested by himself.
Also, once he gets to secondary, he will have so many more sports on offer, at no cost, I'm sure he'll find one that HE wants to do and not one that YOU have chosen for him.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/08/2007 21:18

actually I find being able to defend yourself physically is an overrated skill I have got this far in life without it
I had a pretty hard time at school tbh for lots of reasons (I was massively conspicuous and used to get a lot of flack) but I got through it by pretending to be confident and finding some real, decent people to be friends with (other misfits in the nicest possible way) and then hey presto I was confident! and all the misfits I was at school with are coincidentally happy and successful people these days

nightowl · 17/08/2007 21:45

i didnt send ds to karate to teach him how to fight back. he was being bullied at the time and i thought karate may give him the confidence to know he could defend himself if he needed to. i thought perhaps that confidence may lead to him not being such an obvious target (ds is very timid). i never actually thought he would ever have to use karate. does that make any sense?

coppertop · 17/08/2007 21:49

What about a different style of martial arts? Not all of them have such a strong focus on sparring. FWIW much as I loved karate I was never keen on the sparring aspect of it.

nightowl · 17/08/2007 21:52

sorry forgot to say auntysocial, your ds may like his karate but i think 3 lessons a week is a lot for an eight year old. ds would feel very pressured if i suggested that. ds is happy with his karate at his own pace to enjoy (which he does). there's no pressure at all. he doesnt allow me to watch his gradings for the same reason and yet he has passed every one. do you stay and watch his lessons? could that be the reason?

Original poster

auntysocial · 18/08/2007 14:02

Thanks for all the replies, I have decided to keep the karate on as a routine activity but backed off completely about it too, no more questions, no more pressure. 3 times a week is a lot, I think I would resent having to do something 3 times a week tbh.

So I said to DS that I would like him to continue but he can go as many times a week as he wants, he said he would go for a compromise - the week he goes to his dads house at the weekend he would do karate twice a week, when its my weekend with them he will go 3 times a week the following week if that makes sense?

I do feel it is important to be able to defend youself (boys and girls) but more important to have the confidence to know that you could defend yourself should you ever need to. I have explained to him that the more he goes the better his sparring will become, he's a bit paranoid about his teeth so I have said I will buy him a gum shield.

He is also learning to play the guitar and today asked if he could start football with his brother so I will look into that for him too.

We do the swimming together and ride bikes together most places we go, ice skating together etc so we do do quite alot as a family too and I am also considering joinging his karate class like he keeps on at me to.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

oregonianabroad · 18/08/2007 14:23

I think you are really trying with him, and that is the most important thing. Good luck!

madamez · 18/08/2007 14:29

Apologies if I'm not getting this right but: if your DS is laughing and rolling around when the other boys jump on him, is it possible that they are all playing a game togehter rather than him being bullied? Mind you, FWIW laughing off bullying is sometimes a way of stopping it, as well.

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