Second child...what is it REALLY like?

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Would love some honest advice here from anyone who has been in a similar situation...will try and keep it short.

Just found out I'm pregnant with #2. Kind of planned but had no idea it would actually happen in the first month of trying (dumb I know!). Have a son who is nearly 5 and a husband who works away for sometimes up to 2 weeks at a time. Which has always been the case and will always be the case. The thought of having this baby and looking after two for the foreseeable is something I simply cannot comprehend right now.

I am really struggling to make this work in my head. I love my life so much right now, everything is easy with one child, have plenty of money, enough time to exercise, cook healthy meals, travel lots, do my hair and make up every morning... etc. I really don't want to go back to slobbing around in milk stained leggings and drinking crap coffee at baby groups with a load of new mums 😩

As a three we just totally work and my son has lots of friends and family members so not missing out by not having a sibling I feel.

A termination is something that has entered my head but also a really tough thought. But I feel like I'd be doing it to protect myself and my future mental health.

Really...How hard is it having two? And would anyone admit to regretting having their second child? anyone in a similar position with single parenting at times?

This is single hardest decision I've had to make in my life, I just keep going round and round in circles. Grateful of any advice. Thank you x

Honestly, it's fine, but takes some adjustment at first. I assume DC1 is in school? Do you have any help while your husband is away?

I did find it a bit of a jump to go back to having a newborn (we had a 2.5 year gap), but after a couple of weeks it was fine. The milk stains and baby groups are only quite a short phase in the grand scheme, especially if you're planning on going back to work after a year or so.

I wouldn't terminate in the basis that it might be hard or your life might not be as good - chances are it'll be very different to what you expect, but it'll become normal pretty quickly.

I felt a little like you when I fell pregnant with 2nd DC.

Oh my god. How wrong I was. She enhanced all of our lives, and not least her older sister.

Yes, at first, it will be knackering, but having said that, I found having a newborn 10x easier second time round. I just found everything easier because I had more confidence & seeing 1st DC interacting with her baby sis was just incredible.

They are SO close now (14 & 11) & I thank god I didn't make the other decision.

I'm 7m into two. My eldest is almost 4. It's actually great. I didn't have to learn how to look after a baby this time, I just remembered the basics and didn't care about a lot of the stuff I worried about 1st time around. I haven't been to one baby group yet, just seen my friends and family and done what I wanted to do, with baby coming along too.
The hardest bit so far was labour and a hospital stay, I didn't want to be with the baby, I wanted my eldest. We got through that and I fell in love with the baby by about 3wks.
I'm really glad we have two. They clearly adore each other.

Thank you these posts are all really encouraging and lovely to hear.

Have no help really whilst husband away. It's two weeks of every month I should add, so he's away half of the month every month.

I just wonder if anyone had walked in my shoes for the last 5 years would they really go ahead with this. Wish I could see into the future 😩

Following as also got pregnant quicker than expected with planned number 2, and it’s all very scary.
Worrying if they will get on if we’ll manage in 2 bed house.
Financial worries.
Everything is so easy right now.

But then I tell myself how quickly the hard part went with number 1 and realise that we can do this.
And at least we’ll have some idea of what we’re doing this time

(I didn’t bother with NCT classes before)

DH is often away and I do solo bedtime with three who are four and under. It’s fine and just takes a bit of organising.

We had 2.4 years between ours and very little family help, so DS1 spent longer at nursery in the early months of having them both, just so I could cope. DH worked very long hours and often away. I also went back to work pt at five months for my sanity and a break!
They are now teens and having a second child has been the best decision we ever made. It many ways it was easier than the shock of having DS1 with no experience. I can see the benefits of their having a sibling every day. Their relationship has been the single best part of parenting.

I have a 6mo and 1yr10mo and it was really hard for the first three months and I still get very little sleep as the eldest doesn’t sleep through yet. My husband also works a lot and is away a lot and I have little help. I’m just about to go to sleep so that by 5am when the eldest gets up for the days I’ve hopefully had 4-5 hrs sleep 🙈 BUT I have not regretted my choice for a single moment . My girls already play together , faces light up when they see each other and they both give me so much joy it’s 110% worth it !

Congratulations The chance to have a second has now been taken from us so DS will be an only. He's nearly 6 and doesn't show any interest in siblings which has helped massively but i still worry about the future as we are older parents. If i was in your shoes i wouldn't ever terminate as it will be the best thing you ever do and with DH away alot, you may need the baby groups for your sanity! Good luck x

I also have a 6 month old and a 1yr 10m old.

Very often, I wish I hadn’t had DC2. It’s relentless and I’m exhausted. PND is crippling me and affecting my family. We have no money so don’t have any opportunity to do nice things together as a family. Also DH & I have very little time to ourselves, either separately or as a couple, so have no chance to relax and are constantly stressed.

But I have a much smaller age gap and in sure your experience will probably be very different.

With that age gap, it will be fine. There is 5 years between my 2 and actually the 2nd one was definitely easier than the first. Your older one will be independent enough. The trickiest bit when you are alone is bedtime but a then 6 year old can entertain themselves quietly in their room for an hour while you sort out the baby.

My dh and I both travel a bit for work. I am away pretty much 3 days a week (I sleep at home but get back from work only in time for bedtime). He manages fine alone, as do I on the days he’s away.

This is such a cliche but you will be astounded at how time really does fly with DC2.

With DC1 you have the good and the bad, the gazing into your newborns eyes and the terror of being actually responsible for a small human. My early days with DC1 felt endless, with DC2 they were gone in a flash.

With DC2 you feel you’ve got the hang of things much much earlier and that confidence tends to bolster how you deal with DC1, so IMVHO having a second is tough to get used to and the first few weeks balancing the two are flying by the seat of your pants but honestly, you’ll find your normal and then the time will whip by.

It's always going to be a bit of a lottery what kind of baby you get OP! Some are just harder work than others.

DC2 is six months and DC1 is 3. It's been nothing like as hard as first time round. Much less of an adjustment because you're already used to the responsibility and know a lot about kids.

Yes it's hard balancing their needs sometimes but they also entertain each other which takes some of the strain off. Second babies also apparently are usually more chilled because they're not the centre of attention.

I have a 6 year old and a 4 month old. My dh works away from home.
I understand what you mean about life being comfortable and manageable and now it will change for you.
To be honest the second child is much easier than the first. You don't have time to laze around because you'll have to be up and get your other child to school. I always have make up done before going on the school run.
We do all the things we did before but just have an extra person to bring with us.
My 6 year old has been amazing. The age gap has really benefited us with dp being away. It means the 6 yo can be independent when I can't give him my attention. This week I noticed he is the happiest I have ever seen him.
The odd time I do think back to how everything was easy before the baby arrived, but honestly I am so in love with this baby, his chubby cheeks and hands, his gummy smile and he is so worth it.

I remember thinking that it couldn't be physically possible for my love for DC1 to replicate equally to another DC (I mean, I knew people said it did, I just couldn't see how it was possible). I just couldn't imagine it. But my god it did. From the instant I laid eyes on her.

I have a similar age gap between my two.

I was very apprehensive as to how it would work but honestly, it has been fine. I think what makes it easier is that life already has a routine. First time round I'd often still be moping around bra-less when DH got home at 7pm but you can't do that when you have a school run to do, you have to get up and out the house. You can't survive on whatever crap you have lurking in the back of the cupboard because you have to have proper food in to feed the older one, so you have no excuse to not go to the shops.

With regards to baby groups, they've been a non issue. With DS1 it more an opportunity for me to actually find people with babies who I could talk to during the 14 hours DH was out of the house. Now I have school mums to talk to twice a day at pick up and drop off and spend time with them and their babies during the day.

Also, don't underestimate how helpful (and willing to help) your older child will be. DS1 will happily spend ten minutes making the baby laugh in his cot while I get ready.

The second child has changed the relationships of everyone in the house for the better. I had so many doubts but things really have worked out marvellously.

Ahhhh thank you so much for everyone who took the time to post and tell me about their situations. It's really lifted my spirits and reassured me so much. It sounds like you get into the swing of things quicker with number 2. I do hope that is the case for me too.

Dc 1 woke every 2 hours until he was 15 months and I had to resort to sleep training so I'm really hoping I don't get a repeat of this as it still haunts me now.

Thanks again everyone really heart warming to read this morning

there are tricky times with a second, dd1 was 3.5 when dd2 was born, dd2 was v easy baby and I wore her in a stretchy sling a lot. bedtime was tricky, but at least with a 5yo they can get themself dressed and are more understanding.

I'm sure the sleepless nights will be challenging but at least with dc1 at school you can rest and focus on dc2

meant to add dd1 and 2 are playing beautifully in front of me and the bond they have is wonderful now that dd2 is 2.

Mine are 2.3 years apart. It was hard for sure at times, but a lot of that was dealing with a baby and an insane toddler at the same time.

My eldest is now 4.5. I feel like if I had a second with him being this age it would be a whole different ball game as he is so much more independent.

Will your DH get paternity leave? How much time would you take off work? Do you have any family who could help you out? Only you know what you can do, but although I do look at 1 child families and feel some envy at how easy it seems, I wouldn’t actually change my life

I found it hard at first, especially the first few months but it was so, so worth it. The relationship my children share is so special, they are best friends and want to be with each other all the time.....watching them together makes my heart ache with love at times.