Teaching my son to be man/boy

[Meme2019]

My husband is not your typical male, he is not a man’s man, he is a gentle soul. He doesn’t do manual labour of any sort, doesn’t do DYI. He will happily watch me break my back doing all the things one would expect a man to do.

I am not the typical female either, I am a tomboy, I can do most things myself because my husband can’t. I have accepted that that is who he is, and whatever I can’t do, we pay someone to do. What is scaring me is that I have a son (7) he has taken after his dad, he too is gentle soul. There are no male role models in my life that can take my son under their wing and teach him how to be a man/boy, this is scaring me.

Is there such a thing as clubs that teach boys to be men?

If he has make sex organs, he is a boy.

Other than that he is an individual and will develop in his own unique way.

Don’t project your frustrations about your partner into this new, unique little person.

Why would you want to stop your son being gentle?

Huh?

Yes it’s great he’s taking after his dad. Gentle men rule. Look at our culture - aggressive, selfish men rule. We need less of them, and more like your son.

If your partner is passive and isn’t doing his fair share around the house and with parenting, address that directly with him.

Whoops by which I mean gentle men are wonderful, and aggressive men rule society (literally)!

“ He will happily watch me break my back doing all the things one would expect a man to do. ”

In what century?

You can't change his personality, all you can do is prepare him for adult life by making sure he knows how to do what he needs to - cooking, washing, plug wiring, basic DIY etc. Give him all the life skills he needs, as well as support to be true to himself, whatever kind of 'soul' he is.

I tend to do the majority of the housework and the DIY. If you feel your husband is lazy and unsupportive in these things, you need to get your son involved early and make sure he understands it's a team effort, and speak to your husband to explain that it's important that your son sees this so he needs to stop watching life pass him by and participate.

I’m confused. What can you not teach him?

You sound like a well matched couple. Your husband being gentle obviously didn't put you off him, so I don't know why you're worried about your son being similar.
Having said that, some children enjoy a single sex space without their parents around. My daughter loved Brownies and Guides and my son went to Boys Brigade for years (Cubs and Scouts also available).
Congratulation by the way on being an adult tomboy - it's a huge club! Maybe you need to think about why you feel that your son should conform to some narrow version of what a boy is. This isn't the 1950s and you and your DP are living proof that those stereotypes are totally out of date.

Why would you want your son to be a different person from the one he is? Or your husband, for that matter?

(Unless this is actually displaced resentment towards your husband for not pulling his weight in the relationship - in which case your issue is that your husband doesn't pull his weight, not that he's not a manly man.)

Erm. The only thing I would expect a ‘man’ to do is be an equal parent. Change nappies, do the housework, take on all responsibilities relating to kids. If you can do DIY (I can!) and your partner is shit at it then why wouldn’t you do it?! If you need his help, ask him to help. DH is eternally shit at DIY so he doesn’t do it. I am terrible at suitcase packing. So I put stuff out and he packs it beautifully. None of this has anything to do with our genitals.

I am also a ‘tomboy’ and I always have been. I have two generally calm, sensitive boys. That too has nothing to do with their genitals. That’s their personality. I have no wish to change who they are to match some preconceived gender stereotype. I hated gender stereotypes being applied to me so I wouldn’t apply it to my child.

Would you send your daughters to ‘princess’ classes to learn how to be more feminine?!

Your husband and son are both male, despite not conforming to the arbitrary stereotypes you think they should. Encourage your son to be all the things he is. We need more kind and gentle men in the world.

Your husband is not gentle, he is weak and lazy. Weak because he would rather watch you do stuff (that you had to learn) than try to learn some of it along with you. Next time you are doing something that does have a traditional masculine role attached to it (and of course diy has long been seen a man's job, it's daft to pretend otherwise, just as cooking and sewing are stereotypically viewed as feminine) get your son to watch you do it, hand you a screwdriver etc. You can be their role model of how to be a capable, independent adult, it's not about being a man.

Is your husband gentle or lazy? Why would he sit and watch while you do the backbreaking work? My husband was a gentle soul that hadn’t a clue about diy, but would gladly have mucked in to help me, because he wasn’t a lazy prick. He did most of the housework and was a brilliant cook. I lived doing the diy, building, etc. Are you implying my husband wasn’t a ‘real’ man?

Not sure what you are expecting a man/boy to do differently. Sounds like he has the best of both worlds right there. Skills such as diy, sport etc can be taught by anyone and it is not a man’s domain. As long as your husband is not teaching him to be a lazy sod and expect others to do everything for him.

Let your son do sports and activities just like you would normally. I don’t think you have a problem otherwise. FWIIW. I do heaps of DIY and gardening and DH does as well. He also cooks and cleans as I do. Our DC has learned to not fall into any stereotypical holes because neither of us are ‘typical’ for UK stereotypes.

You want a club to teach your son DIY to make him a man

I think you are at risk of emotionally damaging him with this mindset.
There is nothing wrong (and a lot right) with being gentle.
Why do you think it is bad?

Don't be silly. He's unique as he is. Why do you want a 7yo to be macho man?

Don’t put that expectation on him just as you wouldn’t put the expectation on girls to be stereotypically ‘feminine’. It’s better for people to develop all round skills including physical, intellectual and social. If he is less good at useful physical skills like gardening, DIY then teach him and if necessary attend classes with him (just like you would for a daughter!). Don’t let anyone tell him he is less of a ‘man’ for not being good at ‘manly’ things. But some ‘manly’ things (and some ‘womanly’ things) are useful and everyone can get better with practice.

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Let your son do the things he is interested in.

Sounds as if you have no respect for his father.