Are other mums feeling like this?

[babysnowman]

Baby is 6 months old and I really feel like I’m doing it wrong. Between her not sleeping, as well as the constant cycle of dishes/laundry/looking after the dog, I’m exhausted which is to be expected. But I had visions of being on maternity leave and of being out every day for walks or coffee or baby groups. Instead I’m in my pyjamas and barely getting a brush through my hair most days. I have gone to some baby groups and did like them but to be honest most days I feel like it’s too much effort as I’d have to get ready and then drive there (which I dread doing as I’m not the most confident driver and my car is really old so the pram doesn’t fit in which would mean carrying the car seat). I live quite rurally so there is nowhere I can go without driving and the nearest family or close friends are over an hour away. Is anyone else feeling like this?

You are not doing it wrong, it's just really hard having a baby, dog and house to manage whilst being exhausted for the past 6 months. Add to this social isolation and you have a recipe for a low mood. These are my tips from my experience which helped me: planning a small outing every other morning to a baby group or to the shops just to get up and out of the house to lift the mood. Planning it all the night before, including meals. A lightweight buggy that you can throw in the car. Driving part of the way, then walking to get some exercise. If it all seems too difficult, maybe ask your HV or GP to assess your mood.

Thank you for replying. Planning the night before sounds like a good idea, means I don't have to think about it in the morning. I really don't want to be in a low mood as I was on antidepressants before becoming pregnant and don't want to go back to that place

With regards to practical things you can do, have you considered getting a lightweight/smaller buggy in addition to your main one now your baby is older? That might make you feel more empowered as it's one less thing to worry about - we've just got a mamas & papas Argo which is basically their version of the Babyzen Yo-yo and is currently £99 in their sale.

I've also found that planning my week in advance is good as then I can plan my baby's day around what we are doing - ie if I know we've got to be somewhere at 10am then I'll do his breakfast/morning nap differently to how I'd do it if we weren't out until 11.30. Most baby stuff where I live happens in the morning so if I only decided on the day that we were going it'd be too late to get organised and out. We also have some stuff that we do each week then other stuff that we do on an ad hoc basis on the days that we aren't doing a regular activity.

My baby is just coming up for 8 months btw... It sounds like you're doing much better than you think! I don't have a dog, or live in rurally (Londoner here) and still find it a hassle even though I have a bus stop literally outside my door.

Thanks @Cardboard33, that's kind of you to say. Again planning seems like the solution, I hadn't thought of a different buggy either so will look at that

Or a baby carrier like the Tula- take up no space at all and really comfortable (still carry very heavy 2yo for dog walks)

Do you have a partner?
We are generally up at 6am and my husband sorts baby out and looks after him before he goes to work at 7.30, while I get dressed, shower, have breakfast myself etc and get myself sorted for the day ahead. It makes a massive difference. I know a lot of people don’t have that luxury what with shifts / single parenting and the like.

I have to go out every day as my boy is hard work! I try to plan my week ahead.
Some days I will drive somewhere, other days we just go for a walk or a local group.
My family are 40 minutes away and I travel to see them once a week, always arranged in advance.

Sometimes we just go to the supermarket. He likes to sit on the cafe windowsill and watch people come and go.

There’s also a local sensory room about 20 minutes from me which I go to quite often.

My boy is 7 months. You’re doing a wonderful job, it’s really hard work!

it's hard OP, it'll get better!

Six months is a hard age as they want to explore but can't really get around or be plonked on the floor. Once she's toddling you can head for your nearest park or go on nice walks.

If I were you I'd get as much routine as poss - being able to get up and dressed before your partner leaves (even if you go back to bed after), planning food ahead for the week, planning when to do laundry - the more automated, the less space it takes up in your brain and therefore less boredom.

Then I'd try to find someone near you with a baby or happy to be visited by one - being able to go for tea is a godsend and cuts down isolation. Easier than baby groups.

It'll get better though, I think first 6 months are the hardest/least rewarding!

There is so much drudgery involved in looking after a baby. It is perfectly fine and natural to find it wearing, so please don’t feel guilty or worry that you are doing something wrong.
The key thing is to keep trying to find something that works for so so you don’t end up stuck at home giving in to despair.
And, lower your expectations. I felt much more successful as a mother once I decided that walking to the Co-op to buy chocolate did count as an outing if I came through the park on the way home.

Yep, it’s pretty normal to feel quite rough at this stage. It gets a lot easier as they get a bit older. Their attention span gets long enough that you can leave them and get stuff done in another room, which probably seems quite impossible right now at times! It gets better, be kind to yourself.

Can you get a car seat that clips into a frame to be a buggy? Or seconding the sling/carrier idea, a structured carrier can be very good for shortish distances.

Completely normal!

In fact by the end of maternity leave (sadly I only got five months) I had just chilled out and tried to embrace it.

In the mornings I’d get up and go for a walk, maybe throw something in the slow cooker for tea, but that was it. I considered that a pretty full day! If you’re rural and have a dog you must get to go on lots of nice walks - I live in a hot country so I couldn’t walk anywhere with the baby apart from across the road to Starbucks! But I made that my daily ritual and looked forward to it.

We were lucky and had a cleaner once a week so I didn’t have to do all the dirty jobs, but my biggest household management tip is this: set a timer on your phone for twenty minutes when the baby’s settled, and tidy as much as you can in that time! If it doesn’t get done in those twenty minutes, it doesn’t get done.

I did the same for food prep - ten minutes to chop all my veg and meat and chuck it in the slow cooker with some stock. It worked really well and made me feel productive and efficient

I didn’t go to any baby classes. They’re not really for the baby, they’re for the mums, so if it’s just causing you stress and hassle then it’s not fulfilling its function. Maybe try to go once a week, since you enjoyed it?

But yes, it’s completely normal to feel like you do. I think we all picture maternity leave very differently to the actual reality. But I wish I had had longer, so do try to enjoy it as much as you can (not always easy, I know) and remember that looking after a baby is enough work without trying to do loads of other stuff as well.

I’m exactly like you, I even bought a special coat designed to fit around a sling with the idea of going for walks with baby whilst walking the dog. How wrong was I! I never envisioned my baby would hate the pram, sling AND car seat (would scream until she is sick) which has meant I have been pretty much housebound. I have resigned myself to this as most people say they will outgrow this phase but the criticism I’m getting from family members is getting me down (being told I’m to blame and that I’m spoiling my baby which is why she doesn’t like the car seat or pram). Until my baby is ready and happy to adjust to the pram and car seat we will just spend lots of time cuddling and bonding and only go out for appointments we can’t avoid. This also means we have an excuse to avoid rude family members!

These are all such lovely and helpful responses, thank you! I’ve actually forced myself to get ready and go out today with the baby and I feel much better for it, although I did go to pay for my shopping and realised I’d forgotten all my cards 🤦🏻‍♀️.

@FartnissEverbeans you make a really good point about the baby classes not fulfilling their function if they are causing stress and hassle. I hadn’t thought of it from that perspective and it has made me feel loads less guilty!

@NotwhereIshouldbe that’s a real shame you are being criticised...I don’t think you can spoil a baby even though mine wouldn’t let me put her down without crying for the first few months! I’m sure your wee girl is very happy with all the cuddles she is getting!

@babysnowman Glad you managed to get out the house! You can blame forgetting your cards on baby brain! 😂 I’m trying to ignore all the comments as I know my baby best and everyone else is just a backseat driver 😝

It is really hard. I read this the other day & your post reminded me of it www.mother.ly/life/dear-mama-youre-not-doing-it-wrong-its-just-that-hard

My DTs are 21 months now, but I felt/feel exactly the same. Before I had them I had this mental image in my mind of all the fun stuff we’d do together going out with my explaining and showing them the world, and of my being an earth mother with endless patience and time.

Then I had kids. Despite my best efforts, the house regularly looks like a bomb hit it, I don’t have endless patience and spend my days screeching NO! to two fearless miniature versions of myself with a constant risk assessment whirring through my brain, going out is a military operation and I’ve not magically become an organised woman since giving birth, and I’ve reached a level of tired where my brain doesn’t even acknowledge tiredness anymore. We also live rurally so have to drive everywhere, and it takes me about an hour just to get us all out to the car.

You’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing it all right, and you’re doing your very best. I’d suggest like pp have said getting a smaller collapsible pram, and planning on one trip out per week to start with and organising as much as you can do the night before so you can get out on time with minimal stress. It does get easier apparently!

@HighNetGirth this is so true when my 5 month old was smaller I was constantly beating myself up thinking I needed to be taking him somewhere exciting every day. Then I realised he’s quite content playing with toys at home and a walk round the park and that is an achievement especially with the exhaustion we go through x

I feel exactly the same as you I’m absolutely exhausted and fantasise about a night to myself and a lie in but also know I’d just worry about my little one if I left him ! like I said in my previous post a walk is an achievement or popping to the shop and if you don’t make it out or to baby groups then don’t worry baby will be fine playing with toys at home at this age. But if you are feeling down then forcing yourself out can be helpful i didn’t like baby groups but made myself go to one and Ive been invited to meet up after the group which is nice. A sling might work for you if the pram doesn’t fit or fold up buggy if money’s tight just grab a second hand one off eBay/Facebook. Im guessing you’ve probably been woken up every night for the past 6 months or longer -pregnancy! I know I have and that catches up with you. Definitely lower your expectations as other people have said , you are doing a great job ! I’m writing this still sitting on the sofa in my Pjamas and unbrushed hair while my baby naps as he is full of cold an we’ve been up loads in the night so it’s not just you ! Xx