Has anyone adopted from China?

[jabberwocky]

I'm not sure how many adoptive parents post, if any. We have one ds who is our biological child. Due to complications with pregnancy and childbirth I am terrified of another pregnancy. Had never wanted ds to be an only child though. I have recently thought about applying for adoption through China but dh insists that he only wants a biological child and if it's just the one then so be it. I'm so torn. I love ds dearly and think that it would just be so lovely for us to have a second. But should I just drop it with dh's attitude?

There are a few adoptive parents on here jabberwoky. DH and I are approved adoptors but haven't found our child yet. I think where you adopt from is an entirely secondary issue to your decision to adopt.

I think you probably need to give your dh time to think about it. After I stopped having IVF it took DH over 2 years before he fully accepted that I didn't want any more fertility treatment, and then about another 9 months to come around to the idea of adopting. Your dh might never change his mind, he's not necessarily being difficult some people just have very strong, deep-seated feelings about issues like this. If he is unable to love an adopted child as much as your ds then it would be cruel to the child to adopt him/her. Even if your dh worked hard to disguise his real feelings the child would still sense it.

Also you have to be approved by Social Services or an independent agency before you can adopt either from the UK or abroad and it's unlikely that you would be approved if your dh feels this way.

I think you may be rushing the decision a little, I don't know how old your ds is, but the first decision to whether or not you will ever try for another biological child. If not, make that decision with your dh and let it sink in for a while before you ask him to think about adoption.

Best of luck whichever way you decide. Please feel free to ask me any questions.

You've raised some excellent points. We live in the States and at our ages (I'm 39, he is 56) it would be quite difficult to adopt here. I had looked over the adoption situation years ago when single and had decided that, if I ever did it China would be my first choice.

You are probably right about rushing things. I think part of it is that I would have liked so much to have another one if only things had worked out differently the first time. Perhaps this is just part of the grief process, knowing that that won't happen.

Sorry jabberwocky, I just assumed that you were based in the UK.

I think that you and your dh probably need time to come to terms with not having another child. Rushing to fill the gap in your family with an adoptive child could be a wrong move. I know of a couple who were matched (within the UK) with a little girl but because the woman hadn't come to terms with her own infertility and not being able to have a biological child she couldn't bond with the child and the adoption broke down within 6 weeks which was terribly sad.

A book that I found very useful when we were considering adoption was 'Adopting after infertility' by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It has a very good first section about coming to terms with not having biological children (or another biological child in your case).

I'm not an adoptive parent myself but have quite a few friends and family who have adopted (including a cousin in the US who adopted two girls from China after having one of her own). I know there are various groups there who support adoptive parents through the process.

I do agree that it is very important for both parents to want to do this. I myself had fertility problems after having our first child but knew I would not consider adopting as I was not sure I would feel the same way about a non-biological child. Also, I have been told by an adoptive father that it is very common for adoptive fathers to develop negative feelings towards an adoptive child, even if they were initially in favour of adopting - apparently it is a sort of basic animal instinct towards an offspring which does not carry their genes. Don't know if this is true but it kind of makes sense?

Have you considered having counselling to deal with the things which happened during your pregnancy and childbirth? Don't know how old your son is but maybe in time you will come to feel able to try having another baby yourself?

We met a couple who only had one DD, a little girl they had adopted from China. You could tell that they adored her, worshipped the ground she walked on. I didn't pry, but I think they were unable to have their own... and that does make a difference, I'm sure, in terms of how you feel towards a child. Kids can be so trying, it takes a biological bond for most of us to put up with them, and really do our very best for them. So I think ... don't push if your DH isn't 100% sure he wants to adopt, too. It wouldn't be fair on the adopted child.

I'm sorry that probably isn't what you want to hear.

Hopefully Issymum, who has 2 dds adopted from Vietnam & Cambodia (I think) will see this thread .

I know all of you are right about this. I guess it's just coming to grips with not having the second one that I had hoped for. But, ds is fabulous and I am grateful every day that he is a healthy little boy.
I am in counselling as well which should help over time, hopefully.