How have you dealt with fussy eating children?

[Sensitivesoul100]

I’ve lost all control with my DS12 when it comes to food. I blame myself and I am definitely becoming more lazy with trying to encourage him so now I’ve just accepted he eats crap but im so worried about how it’s going to affect his weight when he’s older and what damage it’s doing to his health.
He’s always been picky since about the age of 1, he weaned fine but always had an issue with textures and some foods I honestly know he doesn’t like because he hasn’t liked them from being a baby. He hates the texture of fruits with skin e.g oranges, apples, grapes and will only eat the following fruits kiwi, banana, peach (with skin cut off) strawberries and raspberries. He eats no veg. That said the older he gets the less control I have so for example he would usually eat most of the fruit in a packed lunch as a young child but now will eat the rest and leave the fruit. I buy fruit to eat at home and he will leave it to go off.
Dinner used to be limited but manageable, I would make spaghetti with passata, chilli with the sauce blended to disguise any trace of veg etc but he keeps adding more things from the stuff he would eat to the things he won’t. Dinner is now an oven pizza, chicken nuggets or at a stretch a chilli or spag Bol which he will mostly eat the plain pasta/rice bit and leave the sauce.
I know I should refuse to give him what he wants and make him try something new but he is so stubborn he won’t try new things. He’s just started secondary school and refuses to take packed lunch so is now living on crisps for lunch so he can buy a fizzy drink from the shop on the way home. I can’t stop him from doing this, I’ve asked him to buy a decent dinner but he won’t.
I’m setting him up to be an unhealthy adult and feel like a failure.

Not much advice really just sympathy as a version of this is going to be us in 8 years time.

I think probably the best you can do is teach him about nutrition (what are the food groups, why it's important) and the effects on his body of having a good or bad diet. Then it's up to him to find ways to do the best he can around the things he doesn't like.

I am also a fussy eater and did get a lot better as a teenager but not really as a result of anyone nagging me. I think it was partly getting a bit less phobic with age and partly needing to deal with the social consequences of not liking things at other people's houses.

Firstly don't buy the crap food.

At 12 I doubt he has the funds to top the shop up. If you don't buy it then it isn't an option.

Posting for sympathy. I suspect I will be in your situation in a few year’s time.

@Dandelion1993 I know you’re trying to be helpful, and while that does seem an obvious and sensible place to start it might not work... presumably at age 12 he has pocket money so might just spend it all on junk at school. Personally, I didn’t have dinner money, but I used to take people’s bags back to the form room so they could go and get a good place in the dinner queue, and in exchange they would give me some of their chips and sometimes buy me an ice cream after school! Kids can be devious!

My DD is currently 3 and is an extreme picky eater. She would genuinely rather starve than eat vegetables - we have been under a dietician as her weight got extremely low when I only offered healthy food!

Seconding @Aria999. How much time does your DS spend at other people’s houses? I definitely used to eat things I wouldn’t eat at home so as not to be rude - I would never have touched salad at home but did at my best friend’s house.

Would it be manageable to do the unhealthy stuff, but do a smaller portion of it and do something a bit healthier with it? Perhaps do slag Bol but do less pasta so he might be hungry enough to eat the sauce? But I wouldn’t try to force him as such, he’s likely to dig his heels in.

Good luck!

You as the parent are paying for and cooking the dinner meal, which means you are still in control.
Set some reasonable rules together. For example, ice cream is allowed if it is eaten with fruit. That and other such rules are likely to become habits that stick.
Discuss food and nutrition frequently. Link healthy eating to looks and sporting/intellectual performance rather than longevity and health. He will roll their eyes, but some of your advice will stick.
Get him to help with menu planning and cooking.

My sister had a ds like this and he was also overweight - gp managed to get him on some sort of early intervention scheme and they sorted him out. I know it’s a bit extreme but might be worth seeing if you can get a dietician etc referral - sometimes it helps if the messages aren’t all coming from a parent.

I’m wondering about the food control being a reaction to the secondary school transition too. When we feel anxious we get more controlling about other things.

I had issues with my ds and limited food choices but he is younger so it was easier to change with a reward system, I doubt it would be as easy with a 12 year old.
In your case I think that I would be trying to make healthy versions of his dinner choices. Homemade nuggets with proper chicken breast, homemade pizza with less grease than a shop bought one. And if he usually has chips with it then switch to homemade chips aswell.
With his lunch, is he spending his money on the fizzy drink and then only has money for crisps at lunch? If he didn't buy the fizzy drink, would he have enough money for a decent lunch?
For what it's worth, when I was in secondary school my lunch was 2 packets of crisps a day (it's all I could afford) but I have turned out to be a healthy adult.

DD9 has been slowly turning into a fussy eater in the last couple of years - I recognise a lot from pp. Meal times were a flash point, misery for all the family.

I have been poorly for a few weeks and physically unable to put hot dinners on the table. It has been more like reheated left overs, raw veg, fruit, nuts, cheese, yoghurt, cold meats, tinned fish, toast etc, eaten in the living room in front of the TV so I could keep an eye on things while doing bed rest on the sofa. Not ideal but we had to get through this bout of illness somehow.

Well she has blossomed. I haven't had the energy to nag or encourage her but she has eaten more, and a much wider variety, than she has in years. She even asked to try spinach and declared she loves it, has gone back to eating meat etc.

Both my DC have fussy traits, annoyingly they like different foods, DS15 was extremely fussy until about 12, DD11 was starting to get fussy. Last few weeks we’ve been having a Gousto box delivered, they can help choose the recipes and cook, they’ve both tried and enjoyed different things, I’ve no intention of continuing it every week as you can easily pick up the ingredients to recreate at home, some weeks though, when I’m looking for inspiration will get one delivered.

I have two teens who are fussy but differently so. They have been since they were toddlers and would vomit or food refuse all day if I insisted.

It is getting better. DS1 is a vegan now and cooks all his own meals. (Mostly quorn plus vegetables). The first weeks of vegetarianism I thought he would make himself I'll without chicken nuggets but he has stepped and sorted it. We also buy protein shakes, which he takes for lunch.

DS2 refuses fruit and vegetables. He is 13, 6ft tall, plays two sports and radiates health. He has agreed to try fruit and veg every day (5 peas, 1 green bean, 1 grape) with the idea to teach his brain that these foods are not a threat. After weeks he has stopped wretching. He asked me to insist he eats the food even if he protests.

My point is they both chose to improve and we're going slow. People can be so judgy. Just keep offering.

@MythicalBiologicalFennel I had a similar experience to yours. At 8, my older son got fussier and fussier. I was so tired of cooking meals that didn't get eaten and dinner becoming a dreaded time, that I switched to 'picnic dinners'. Just lots of options, like you describe above, and everyone just helped themselves. A warm picnic dinner might be a large bowl of rice, roasted squash, sweetcorn, spicy beans, salsa, avocado, lettuce, grated cheese. Everyone 'builds' their own dinner. I stopped commenting entirely. It immediately stopped the tension. Initially, my son might have had (of the described dinner) rice, sweetcorn and cheese. 4 years down the line, he'll have everything but the avocado.
My biggest advice is stop talking about food at mealtimes, talk about nutrition at other times (perhaps show your child what their favourite sportsperson eats), give choices, but make those as healthy as possible, don't ever comment on what they eat. It will take time but you can turn this around.

My 15 yo ds was a fussy eater.

Weirdly the thing that changed it all was a love of all this Japanese. So we started trying sushi and eating in a Japanese restaurant occasionally. It's made a huge difference. He will now eat pumpkin, because he tried it in a bento box, for example.

Also, he was dead funny about sauces and stuff. So I'd do a spag bol and he'd have a tiny portion of th proper meal and have a bowl of plain spaghetti. Eventually we managed to increase the normal meal portion and reduce the plain spaghetti portion. Last week he said I don't need the plain stuff now mom. Yay!

Also, I always put out something he will deffo eat. So. Cucumber sticks, or whatever. And we ate a lot of DIY meals, like halloumi wraps with all the salad veg cut up. He could help himself to the stuff he liked with no battle.

We also give him a decent vitamin and if he refuses the spinach or whatever, he has to have a spatone instead. He prefers the spinach by a country mile!

Perseverence was the key, but not in a battle ground kind of way.

Don't buy in the crap food, and he can't eat it. It's your responsibility to feed him the correct foods. If he eats bananas etc, great. He can have that for dinner if he refuses to eat what you've made. The whole family will have to be on board with no pizza etc, but it's perfectly doable.

Have you explained about how food will effect his hair and skin?

Building up muscles with protein?

His teeth?

I really feel for you.

Have you tried cooking with him? If he likes pizza, could you try making pizza with him and blending veg into the sauce?

I can give you a masterclass in how NOT to approach it.

I was uber fussy as a child. (Literally only had about 10 foods I liked) Had a family member who subscribed to the 'you don't leave the table until your plate is empty' school and would literally try to force feed me. I vomited at the table several times and Became terrified of mealtimes - used to go to extreme lengths to hide food (remember secreting sausages up my sleeve etc).

Whole thing resulted in a huge food phobia thing that affects me to this day. I have a condition called ARFID which means I am literally terrified of eating certain foods (primarily it's a texture thing.) It makes it hard to eat a balanced diet and I take a lot of supplements.

With my son, I've tried to take a more flexible approach. He has to try everything on his plate at least once. If he doesn't want to try it more than once, I let it go. It means he doesn't view mealtimes as a huge issue. And is (usually) a bit more receptive to trying new foods. Have discovered one or two things he genuinely cannot stomach and I'm respectful of that (he gags with cauliflower), but most of the time his reluctance can be overcome in time.

I know some parents advocate hiding veggies in sauces etc. If that works for you then good - alas my son got wise to that quite quickly and is quite suspicious of sauces for that reason 😂

Thank you everyone for the replies and the sympathy! I’m not naive to think that none of it is my fault because I have let it get out of control and I know it won’t be easy to regain that. Especially the age he is now, I don’t always have control over what he eats at school etc.
I have attempted to make pizza and home made chicken nuggets before with him, although blending veg into the pizza sauce isn’t an options because he won’t eat it. The chicken nuggets he wasn’t keen on because obviously they don’t taste of the birds eye crap.
@Diy2019 he has plenty of money for lunch, I am happy to give him whatever he needs for a decent lunch so even if he is buying a fizzy drink he would still have plenty for a meal, I think he just buys the crisps as it’s quick and easy and he can get out the canteeen and hang out with his mates. His friends do the same so it’s not like he’s the odd one out.
@YouJustDoYou I think you are right, if I don’t buy it then he can’t eat it, I need to implement some proper rules so that he can earn a treat after dinner.
If I sat down and wrote what he eats in a week it really makes me feel ashamed because there is no goodness going into him.
I have a 7 month old and have just started weaning, I’m so determined I won’t end up with 2 fussy eaters and also that his bad eating habits don’t rub off. I don’t want me and my youngest sitting eating a different meal to him every night because he refuses to eat what I’ve made.

@DonPablo my DS even refuses to have a multivitamin! He won’t have the chewy kids ones because he doesn’t like the taste and he can’t swallow tablets, I’m sure he is probably deficient in many vitamins 😔

Please don't load guilt onto yourself! It won't change the situation, and it will make you feel way worse about how things are, and if you have a 7mo you have been rather busy over the last 15mo or so!

Some children aren't picky because they want to be, but because they genuinely can't stand the taste or texture of things.

He's old enough to have a meaningful conversation with you about addressing his physical health needs. Let him guide you about what he can tolerate, try and include things from his list at every meal, so he can eat something safe. I'm sure he knows which foods are healthy and which are unhealthy- schools seem to drum home that message from a tiny age.
Would he eat stewed fruit alongside his brother if it's a texture thing- my youngest can't stand anything but apples, unless it's stewed, and he will go for rhubarb, plum, nectarines etc. Not ideal, but at least they can both eat it?